Phyllis Dillerisms

email | 3/1/2019 | unknown

[sodpoodle]

Thanks for the memory!

For us "older folks" to enjoy.

The younger ones will go "Phyllis Who?"

Phyllis Dillerisms...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. -Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. -Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. -Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. -Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. -Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' -Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller

[ImJustAnotherOkie]

Missed one...
If I have one more face-lift I’ll have a Goatee.

[ETL]

[SMARTY]

AND…’You know it’s a bad day when you get, put your underwear on backwards… and it fits better.”

[SeekAndFind]

She always made fun of her own physical looks (as did her comedy peers), but many men found her attractive. She was married twice and lived with another man till his death. She had 6 children too !

[sheana]

I had lunch with Phyllis Diller. I was tending bar at Stockdale Country Club when they first launched the Bakersfield Business Conference. It started out as a small affair, maybe 100 people on the back lawn behind the clubhouse. She was one of the entertainers for the day. Once lunch was served to the guests the waitresses and I sat down at a huge table in the clubhouse just inside the back doors to eat. Phyllis got her lunch and came over and asked if she could sit with us. Nicest lady! And kept us laughing all the way through lunch.

[SeekAndFind]

Diller often portrayed herself as a horrible cook in her stand-up routines.

In real life, she was reputed to be an excellent cook, and in the late 1980s, a recipe she had devised for chili was licensed and canned; “Phyllis Diller Chili” would be sold in supermarkets across the United States.

The reason why people loved her is because she laughed at herself ! Being self-deprecating is a special kind of humor.

[Larry Lucido]

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller

Or shortly thereafter.

[the_Watchman]

Need to get ants out of the kitchen? Pour sugar on the living room rug! — P. D.

I know it’s time to clean the oven when I’ve only got enough room for a cupcake. — P. D.

[Galatians513]

If my husband didn’t toss and turn in his sleep, we would have never had our daughter... -PD

[elcid1970]

In 1975 Phyllis hosted a two hour TV special called “Phyllis Diller’s 102nd Birthday Party”. The setting was a huge Hollywood mansion; all the comedy superstars were there doing a celebrity roast where the guests circulated and dropped their one liners and my gut hurt for days afterward I was laughing so hard.

Belongs to another time. Anything similar today would be an all night Trump hate fest. Wait a sec - they just did the Emmies.

[tet68]

I remember listening to her on the radio.
Her dog was named FANG, I think.

[jjotto]

Fang was her ‘husband’.

[FalloutShelterGirl]

Her dog was named FANG, I think

FANG was her husband! Or at least the husband she used in her comedy routines.

Back when comedy was actually funny.

[Huskrrrr]

“My living-bra died of starvation.”

[llevrok]

Here she is on the old Groucho Marx “You Bet Your Life” TV game show c.1958 She was just starting in the biz....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnzT46uTQ0s

[tet68]

I stand corrected. She was a funny lady.
That was back when you could make fun of everybody.

[TomGuy]

And ‘Fang’.

[bgill]

That was back in the days when comedians were funny. Today’s comedians aren’t.

[CtBigPat]

A Very Dragon Ball Z Christmas is absolutely hysterical!

https://youtu.be/i9S7w7sq5d4

[sheana]

I met quite a few of the older ones working at the club. Ronald Reagan, Charlton Heston, Robin Williams and Henry Kissinger. And many more. I consider myself lucky to have met a bunch of them.