Air Traffic Control

email from a friend | 8/9/2018 | unknown

[sodpoodle]

And now a few gems from Air Traffic Control:

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles ." Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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One day the pilot of a little Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a big DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. The tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, “Wasn't I married to you once?" ==========================

[Jamestown1630]

These are hilarious and I don’t even know much about planes.

[SkyDancer]

Old but great! One pilot I know has loaded Arnold Swartzenegger's (spelled that without spell check!) loaded into his iPhone and when things get hectic he'll pop one off such as when cleared for T/O he'll pop out "Aal be beck!"

>ping to list

[Portcall24]

I’m sitting in a darkroom on a mountain top in Vietnam when a flight of F-4’s check in on my frequency. “Portcall, Hammer 51 (pronounced five one) 345 for 60 off channel 71 and we have the numbers.”
“Roger Hammer 51, Portcall 24, squawk flash for positive ID. Weather is winds from west at 10 knots and temperature 91.”
“Rogers Port call, I said WE HAVE THE NUMBERS.”
OK I had been controlling for several months and this was the first time anyone had played this card on me. “Roger, radar contact.”
Pretty soon on my freq, “Portcall, Sharkbait 21, 270 for 45 off channel 71.”
“Roger Sharkbait 21, Portcall 24, squawk flash for positive ID, Do you have the numbers?”
Very long pause and finally this weak voice (probably the GIB) comes back, “Roger Portcall, tail numbers are 63-7542.” When I got off scope we were all laughing about it and it never happened again.

[Sequoyah101]

Might be old but still good for a laugh.

thanks.