Posted on 03/10/2018 7:18:24 PM PST by SeekAndFind
Over the last few decades, we’ve seen a revolutionary change in the way marriage works in America.
In your great-grandparents’ heyday, relationships were more about raising a family and making a living than love. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t any love involved; it just means the motivations were often a little different than they are today. Women wanted to get out from under the same roof as their parents and have kids. When a woman found a decent man who treated her well and seemed like he could provide for her and her children, that was often enough of a foundation to build a marriage. After all, the country was much poorer then, so her parents couldn’t necessarily support her and she didn’t have a lot of job options. A husband was the best financial option most women had back then.
Today, most women can take care of themselves and those who can’t have the federal government helping them, so they don’t NEED a man to take care of them financially. Combine this with the fact that financial opportunities for uneducated and unskilled men are dramatically reduced from the pre-shipping container/pre-computer age and marriage has been forever changed. That male dockworker can no longer support a family by himself and even if the wealthier, more educated female executive were to marry him (and she probably wouldn’t because he has less status than she does), the marriage would be far less stable because financial need wouldn’t hold them together.
This has a lot to do with why divorce happened much less frequently in the past. Not only was it a little scandalous to get divorced, a woman had a lot more worries about how to pay her bills if she decided to go her own way. That combination of financial need and social stigma held people together. Consider that “the 1967 crude (divorce) rate was 8.7 times as large as that for 1867” and it becomes obvious that marriage was a much more certain bet for previous generations of Americans.
As the need for financial security has fallen away, “love” has become the primary motivator of people who want to marry. The problem with that is that love can be one fickle b*tch.
For most people, that hot, passionate love driven by hormones that makes you crazy for someone else typically doesn’t last forever. Additionally, as people say, “familiarity breeds contempt.” When a woman is on year three of sex with the same person, she just picked his stained underwear off the floor again and what she thought were cute little idiosyncrasies early on have started to get on her nerves, “love” has turned out to be a much less effective cement than financial necessity. That’s very important because almost 70 percent of the time the woman is the one who files for divorce.
Given that we have a justice system that rewards women and punishes men at every opportunity during and after a divorce, it’s no surprise that women are more likely to be the ones ending the marriage. Courts heavily side with women over men when it comes to custody of the children. Chances are if you’re a man in a battle for custody, you’re going to lose and then you’re going to be forced to pay through the nose for the privilege of not getting to spend as much time with your kids as you like. Speaking of which, financially, the courts still act as if we’re in the thirties. Certainly, there could be a situation where a significant alimony payment would be the only fair solution, but that should be a fairly rare occurrence in this day and age.
Imagine a secretary who makes $30,000 a year who marries a CEO making 10 million dollars a year. Five years later, they get divorced. How much does she deserve? Most women would say “half.” At least “half” of what he made while they were together. The honest answer a lot of men would give you would be “nothing.” You know how much she contributed to the man’s success in his career? Nothing of significance. How much is she worth in the working world after the marriage? About the same as she was before, plus she’s had the advantage of having her much richer husband buy her things for years that she’ll take with her. Do you know what he should owe her in that situation after five years of marriage that didn’t work out in the end? Nothing, just like she owes him. Yet and still, in many states, her husband would be expected to keep her living in the “style to which she has become accustomed.” This is exactly the reason that any MAN WHO ALREADY HAS MONEY is crazy if he doesn’t insist on a prenuptial contract before a wedding. Is that romantic? No, but neither is giving a woman who hates your guts half your money. Does it imply you’re not 100 percent sure the marriage will last? Yes, it does, but in a world where divorce is so common, no one can really be sure a marriage will last anymore. You can claim otherwise if you like, but you’re just whistling past the graveyard. I’ve known women who divorced a husband because he lost his job and had trouble finding another one; because she wanted to relive her party years at 35 years old with two kids; because she decided her husband wasn’t manly enough; it goes on and on and on. What I am telling you is that there are no guarantees and your sweet, reasonable honey who loves you to death may decide she wants out of the marriage and turn into a monster once she has a lawyer whispering in her ear during the divorce. Guess what? Usually, the guy never sees it coming.
This can lead to a situation where you’re paying for the lifestyle of a woman who doesn’t want to be with you anymore and is using your kids as a weapon against you while you struggle financially. I know more than one man who has been in this situation. Almost every man does these days. Some people would tell you that’s just the price of marriage. “Hey, if she’s not worth that, then don’t get married.” But how often does the opposite situation happen? How often is a woman stuck paying the bills for her ex-husband while he has the kids after he decided he “just wasn’t in love” anymore? I’ve never heard of a situation like that, although I’m sure it has probably happened. This is an enormous risk that marriage entails for men, but generally not for women.
You also can’t underestimate the impact of having reliable female birth control and women pursuing their careers. Between college and many women trying to climb the career ladder, marriages are occurring later than ever. There was a time in American history when 80% of people were married by 21. That is no longer true.
Barely half of all adults in the United States—a record low—are currently married, and the median age at first marriage has never been higher for brides (26.5 years) and grooms (28.7), according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of U.S. Census data. In 1960, 72% of all adults ages 18 and older were married; today just 51% are. If current trends continue, the share of adults who are currently married will drop to below half within a few years.
The longer you wait to get married, the less of a chance there is that the marriage will produce children. Take the potential of having children out of the equation and marriage is even less appealing to many men. Keep in mind that single women can now easily avoid pregnancy and have become much more promiscuous than they used to be. Does that mean every single guy is getting laid left and right? Not at all, but it does mean that sex is much more available to the average single man than it was 100 years ago. In other words, even if a man never gets married, he doesn’t have to forego sex. In fact, he has the opportunity to have sex with multiple women, an attractive proposition to most men that would be denied to him if he were married. On top of that, he doesn’t have to take on any burdens. He’s not financially responsible for his girlfriend. He doesn’t have to take care of the kid she had with another guy five years ago. There’s no potential for a brutal divorce if things don’t work out. Typically, women are the ones who grew up dreaming of the perfect wedding and the commitment that followed. Most men just grew up dreaming of having sex with beautiful women.
At one time, those two fantasies had to merge. When our society was less promiscuous, the man needed to get married to have regular access to sex. He got what he wanted and she got what she wanted. Is that still true today? The numbers say “No.”
Back in the early 1990s, the average American had sex about 60 to 62 times per year, but that number dropped to less than 53 times per year by 2014. Among married couples specifically, the drop was even more dramatic - from about 73 times per year in 1990 to 55 in 2014. This actually brings the sex lives of married couples below people who've never been married, who have sex about 59 times per year as of 2014. So if you’re a man, getting married may very well mean LESS SEX and with the same woman instead of potentially sleeping with multiple women. It also means risking a soul-ripping divorce where the court system will be stacked against you. Oh, and don’t even mention the old, “Getting married? Wow, I’ll be treated like a king!” fantasy that men had once. Today, you’re more likely to be treated to demands that you do half the weekly housework.
When you look at that sort of thing, it’s easy to understand why some men are simply opposed to marriage. I am not one of those men, but I will tell you the scales have tipped too far against men in marriage. By that, I mean that unless something changes that shifts the institution of marriage back onto more favorable ground for men, marriage will have great difficulty recovering in America. Since marriage is one of the most important building blocks of a successful society, that’s something none of us should want.
That’s 90 percent true...many women here sadly loved their husbands dwelt and the husbands have died
And they tend to idealize and defend us and I for one sure appreciate
There are however a dozen or so who are pretty bitter and accusatory
Especially about the nature of men and that we are all porn addicted and selfish and so on
And yes there are a couple of men who I think are lonely rejected and bitter
There is only one cure for a heart broken by that harridan you used to love
That is to find a good woman who wants you emotionally and physically
There is no substitute
It’s ALWAYS been why I breathe....why I live pretty much and the life we create together
No question....it’s just like the bible...my rib
It ain’t always easy.....but life with not even a gal to come over a couple of nights a week and take trips with and care for you when sick or dying
I can’t imagine
You get sick bad you better have daughters who love you or sweet daughter in laws who love you and have a sense of duty
Or you’ll be in some state home
I’ll agree with you on the upbringing WD, but innate knowledge: not so sure about that one. I think its more an “intellectual awareness” than a, God forgive me for using this term, “feeling.”
My wife spent twenty years climbing the corporate ladder. I was finally able to prevail on her to start her own business after a layoff. A few years later, we decided to adopt.
Now she says if she had known what family life was like we would have stayed in her hometown and she’d have started “squeezin’em out” at age 20!
Dial 1-800-butthurt. Asian women are waiting for your call. They don’t care about your assets or anything. They just want to be with a bitter loser for the next 35 years. :-)
I don’t have one. I saw it somewhere (maybe here) and it struck me as being illustrative of human nature.
Your poor husband is a saint to put up with that mouth.
Leaving the man should mean leaving the man’s money and everything that the man’s money paid for.
When we came out and informed them we weren’t fighting and were sleeping they should have left right there. End of story!
“Notice one of Ambrosia’s comments: “...children must be taken care of financially. So our laws do favor women in that area....”
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Below link from USDA.gov shows it is about $12,000.+ per year to raise one child, and that does not include college.
Two children is about $18,000+ pr yr, no college.
WHY are you attacking me about my comment? Those figures show it is expensive to raise a child alone!
Browser search ‘cost of raising a child in USA’:
Cost of raising a child in the US
It will cost an estimated $241,080 for a middle-income couple to raise a child born last year for 18 years, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture report released Wednesday. That’s up almost 3% from 2011 and doesn’t even include the cost of college.
YOU, SIR, are an ARSE! PERIOD! You have no idea who, or what I am, or have done in my life... God does, and that is all that counts!
My husband told me to leave you poor cucks alone because its not a fair fight. He thinks I’m hilarious but then he’s an alpha. LOL!
I didn’t consider my screen name during the divorce- I like the Al Bundy suggestion. Though it’s not a Dodge Dart with a million miles- my 2004 GMC Sierra with 303,460 Miles is doing great!!
Nope.
3rd party recordings are inadmissible evidence - it doesn’t matter how incriminating. I did have the satisfaction of eventually looking him eye to eye and inviting him to take his best shot. Made him shamefaced.
Then let Christian, God fearing men stand in the gap by starting to love women, children and people as God's will is. Let them begin to really pray for the healing of male, female relationships. Let them model for society their love for their wives. They are the God appointed heads of their families, let them shine as such, by faith. Let them begin to share with others salvation through Jesus Christ our LORD. Let the men of Christ be men indeed!
OK, I revisited the thread. 90% of it is women bashing. I don’t think it is illogical for Freeper women to be irritated by a thread that is 90% women bashing. That’s all I am saying. There are always a few extremists on either side of the discussion. There are always troublemakers. I mean, we have guys here saying all women are bats__t crazy. The misogyny on this thread kind of invites the response.
Now don’t get me wrong. This is normal human nature. Guys in a bar are going to be ragging on women generally due to the high frustration level. Just like any group of only women are going to rag on guys. It is normal human nature.
The problem comes when we use a public forum like we are sitting in a bar ragging on women. It becomes public and of course they are going to push back.
“Can’t live with them, can’t live without them” sums up the entire life experience of the battle of the sexes and has for eons. There is a lot of frustration level. At least in the olden days, they often avoided the mixing because all the guys would be in one room smoking cigars where the women couldn’t over hear them griping about women, while the women were all knitting over tea in the parlor griping about the men. And so the intermingling didn’t happen all that much and our groups could gripe while preaching to the choir.
I don’t see anything on this thread that isn’t human nature and hasn’t been going on since ancient Egypt ruled the known world.
Other than that, the author is right. For a lot of men, it just makes little sense to marry today. That applies for a lot of women too. They can make a good living and not have a guy pawing at them for sex every night.
It is a miracle men and women get along at all. But we do and it is fantastic whenever it works.
What form/forms of coercion are you advocating, to control "the natural proclivity of women to vanity and duplicity"? Laws? Cultural? Some mix of the two?
Some of us have prayed for that to happen for years.....crickets! I’ve seen too many men NOT spend time with their children, NOT pay support, and go on in life, as if they were still single. I’m not a feminist, and very traditional. There is much that needs to change on both sides of marriage. When God truly is first, the rest follows.
Now, my husband is godly man, loving, and does pray with me, so let me clearly note, I am not speaking of him. Finding someone that nice is NOT easy!
I think most women, from my conversations with them, would prefer a strong, spiritual man, who takes the lead. Who is able to handle the finances, and make right decisions. YET for all the men’s female bashing, and whining...it seldom happens. Women pay bills, buy the groceries, and make decisions with very little input from the man... along with all domestic work, WHY? Who knows!
I wonder how many men really treat their wives ,as they did while dating? Flowers, Movie at home, or surprise gifts? And they wonder WHAT HAPPENED? Seriously? They do not get it! No doubt, God scratches his head from time to time on this ridiculous ‘pass the buck’ nonsense!
I am NOT Catholic, yet I think Mother Teresa said it best “What America needs is Love’...paraphrasing here.
Ephesians 5:25 Let men love their wives as Christ loved Church, and gave himself up for her.... NO WOMAN with any sense would leave a guy who was loving, kind, and protective. That makes zero sense.
A person’s character doesn’t change much over the years. We mature and experiences shape us, but our true character is fairly constant.
“Yes, dear, of course you’re hilarious, dear.”
Same here, though we can get annoyed and short with each other, it’s resolved quickly.
One thing this article neglects is pre-marital cohabitation. I’ve seen other stats showing that shacking up increases the chance of divorce significantly. Even premarital sex with others will affect a future marriage negatively.
I decided at a young age that I would not cheat on my future husband before I even met him. I didn’t know it at the time, but the more sexual partners you have, the less bonding (biochemically) sexual intercourse becomes. Once again, we have scientific evidence that God’s way really is the best way.
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