Posted on 01/29/2018 1:21:11 PM PST by sodpoodle
Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, and an old "Vote for Hillary" tee shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers all wearing "Go Trump" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! "he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Party supporters, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "It's reported that he has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know s--- about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"
So, there I was, walking down the street one day, when I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I began to wonder, and I say to myself,” what exactly is in a Muslim book store”? MMmmmm…
So, I went in.
As I was wandering around, the clerk gave me the stink eye and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?"
The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Which makes me wonder, which side do I dangle my ball when I wear my Santa hat ?
Grin!
A srecent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that after he had surgery there, “he had lost all interest in sex”
A hospital spokesman responded, “Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”
An explorer came across a pygmy standing on a dead elephant.
“What happened to this elephant?” the explorer asked.
“I killed it. With my pygmy club.”
“Amazing! How big is your club?”
“Oh we got a out twenty guys.”
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, and an old 'Vote for Hillary' tee shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers all wearing 'Go Trump' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest head.
The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him, and proudly proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!"
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Party supporters, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied.
"It's reported that he has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know s--- about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"
Hahahahahaha...love it, thanks for posting it.
News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the village one day when they were captured by ISIS.
They were asked by the head ISIS: Any last wishes ?
Dan Rather said, “I’d like one last bowlful of hot, spicy Texas chili.”
Jesse Jackson said, “I want to sing “We Shall Overcome” one last time.”
Cokie Roberts “I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen.”
And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt,” said the Marine.
“What?” “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,” insisted the Marine.
So the ISIS chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the rest of ISIS with gunfire. In a flash, they were all dead.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?”
“What!?” said the Marine, “And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!”
Those were great! Thanks!
Slightly off topic, but herewith is MY favorite Pope joke:
One Sunday afternoon, the Pope was pondering over the Sunday Times crossword puzzle.
Furrowing his brow and tapping his pencil on the table, he asked his buddy, the Cardinal, “What’s a 4 letter word for woman that ends in _UNT ?
“Why, AUNT, of course”, replied the Cardinal.
“Oh, yeah, right”, replied the Pope.
“Can I borrow your eraser” ?
Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll keep you posted.
A sudden gust of wind blew the Pope's pontifical headgear into the water. As the Secret Service scurried to launch a small boat to retrieve the hat, DJT interrupted them with, "Never mind, guys. I'll go get it".
And before they could react, he jumped over the side of the yacht, walked across the water, picked up the hat, walked back across the water, jumped back in and handed it to the Pope.
There was stunned silence as all jaws dropped nearly to the floor.
The next day, the NYT, the WaPo, LA Times, SF Examiner, CNN & MSNBC scrolling banners, etc etc etc, all sported the same headline:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
Which reminds me of something that happened to me...
I was walking down the street yesterday and ................. wait, never mind, that wasn't me.
Bush & Cheney are headed in a motorcade to an airport one morning before dawn. And they see the lights of an all-night diner.
"I haven't eaten yet, and I'm hungry. How about you?" "Yeah, me too. Let's stop."
The waitress is flustered, to say the least, to see these two suddenly appear out of nowhere, along with a boatload of Secret Service types.
She swallows her nervousness and asks, "Mr. Vice President, what can I get for you?" Cheney replies, "Two eggs over easy, hash browns and toast".
"Very good. And what can I get you, Mr. President?" Bush smiles and replies, "I'll have a quickie".
"Mister President!!! I can't believe you just said that!! Why, why, why, that's something I mignt have expected from your predecessor, but not from you! How dare you?" And she stomps off without taking his order.
Cheney leans over to see what item on Dubya's menu he had his finger on, and he says, "Uh, George. I believe that's pronounced 'Quiche'".
I don’t care who you are, that right there is funny!
Thank you.
Steve Wright - Is that you?
Yes, but I'm not that Steve Wright.
Not really, I'm just foolin' with ya.
Actually, you wouldn't enjoy the exposure you'd have if I exposed my real name to you.
For your own protection, you don't want to know my real name.
Bkmk
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