Posted on 12/06/2017 2:49:19 AM PST by sodpoodle
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' .......................................................
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven? The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.' ......................................................... Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians..' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?' ....................................................... Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' ........................................................
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' ........................................................ Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.' .......................................................
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing? 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
This Scot goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t taken a poop for a week. The doctor tells him that there is nothing to worry about, so the doctor gave him some pills and told him to come back in a week. A week later, the man tells him that he still hasn’t vacated himself. The doctor gives him a stronger laxative and tells him to comeback in another week.
A week later, the man returns and says, “Dawctor, you gave me garbage pills. I still haven’t gone.” The doctor replies, “Those were strong pills.” After thinking a bit, the doctor then asks, “Tell me, what do you do for a living?”. The man replies, “Why I’m a professional bagpipe player.”
The doctor nods knowingly, “That explains it. Here, take this ten pound note and go get something to eat.”
I had a first-generation Irish-American great-uncle who was a wholesale liquor salesman (can you say stereotype???) that had an entire repertoire of Irish jokes he told customers. He was especially fond of “Pat and Mike” jokes which was funny to the family since that was what his sons were named.
pong
Ping for when I’m awake.
After Mrs. O'Malley stopped crying she said "Well, I suppose I should take some comfort in the fact that he died doing what he loved and didn't suffer long."
"Aye," said the foreman, "He certainly died doing what he loved. But I'm not so sure about the long part. You see, he climbed out three times to go tinkle before he managed to fall back in."
We'll wait until you have a cup of coffee,
and please get those band-aids off the mirror !
A guy is leaving work when some friends ask him to join them for some drinks; he declines, because he has plans with his wife. They convince him to tell her he’s working late, and they all head to the bar. While they’re carrying on one of them vomits on him, and he’s despondent because his wife will catch on as to where he went. Another says, “Don’t worry, put a $20 bill in your pocket and tell her a co-worker got sick, puked on you, and offered to pay for the cleaning”. He does this, and the next morning his wife asks him about the soiled clothes and money in his pocket; he gives her the BS story cooked up by his friend. She asks, “Why is their $40?” - and he replies, “Oh, he sh!t in my pants, too...”.
Mrs. DeplorableAmerican is part Irish..so she is laughing at those jokes...
A young Southern Baptist minister is touring Ireland. One day, on the train, a passenger pokes his head into the carriage and loudly asks, “Is there a Catholic priest on the train. We’re looking for a Catholic priest.”
A bit later the man returns. This time asking, “An Anglican priest! Is there an Anglican priest?”
Soon after he returns again. This time calling for a Jewish Rabbi.
The young Baptist identifies himself and asks if he can be of service.
“I’m afraid not, Reverand.”, he replied. “We’re looking for a corkscrew!”
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
A Scottish military regiment was so notoriously frugal, its randy troops were forced to share one condom among all of them. After months of use, including one particularly demanding leave, a trooper came to the sargent and noted that the prophylactic was worn out.
Sarge took the implement to a local tire shop and asked if it could be patched.
“Aye,” said the shop owner. “But there’s nae sayin’ hae long she’ll last.”
A week later, Sarge assembled the group.
“Lads,” he addressed them, “I’ve news ye all need to hear. After a long and careful consideration, the Rrrrregiment has decided to rrrrreplace.”
Ping
Dot remoinds me of a real Doozie of a Pat and Mike joke;
Pat and Mike are enjoying a pint at the pub in their small town when Pat says to Mike, "Ye don't seem yerself Mike. What's the problem?"
"Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis. I've cheated on me dear wife of 25 years with me neighbors wife." says Mike.
Pat says, "Good heavens, does yer wife know?"
"Good heavens, no Patrick."
Pat tells him, "Then you must go immediately to see Father O'Malley and confess yer sins. Right now."
"Yer right, yer right." says Mike.
So off Mike goes to see Father O'Malley to confess his sins. He steps into the confessional and starts, "Bless me Father for I have sinned". Mike begins to tell the priest of how he had intimate relations with another woman.
Father O'Malley says, "Good Lord Michael, who was this other woman?"
Mike says, "Father, she is a married woman and I simply could not say, lest her reputation be ruined."
"Of course, Michael. I understand." says the priest. But then he adds, "Now, was it the lovely Mrs. O'Toole?"
Mike demurs, "Heavens no Father. I just can't say."
"I understand son...but now...was it the fine Mrs. Collins?"
"Mike acts aghast, "Surely Father, y'know I mustn't say."
"Truly, I understand me son." But even still, the priest persists, "Well, could it have been Mrs. Davis over on Killarney Lane?"
Finally, Mike states in a louder voice, "Father! Please. I just won't divulge that!"
"Very well my son. I want you to say 3 Hail Marys, 1 Our Father and an Act of Contrition. No go and sin no more."
Mike leaves the church and heads back to the pub where Pat is still there waiting. Pat says, "Well, did you get absolution for yer transgression Mike?"
"Aye, I did."
Pat says, "Good. Now, I know Father O'Maley well. he must have asked you who was the other woman. Did you tell him?"
"Heavens no!" says Mike. "But I will tell YOU...I got meself 3 new leads!"
I heard a Minnesota scandinavian singing a very old “Paddy Fell into the Ditch” song. I’ve tried to find it on the internet, nothing. Does anyone know “Paddy Fell Into the Ditch”?
SNL - Irish Drinking Songs
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/irish-songs/n9892?snl=1
LMAO!
Love these threads. Bkmk.
That last one’s a doozy!
An Irishman Walks into a Bar…
An Irish guy started to frequent a corner tavern. Each day, he sits at the bar, keeps to himself and orders two shots of whiskey. He slowly sips each whiskey, alternating a sip from one glass and then from the other. When he is finished sipping both whiskies, he gets up and leaves.
After a few weeks of watching this daily routine, one of the regulars ventured to ask the Irishman why he always drinks this way.
“I miss me brother in Ireland,” he explained. “It’s many a year we had a drink together every day at the pub. Now that I’m here in America, havin’ the two drinks lets me feel a bit each day that I’m still sharing a drink with me brother.”
A logical explanation. But one day in the spring, the Irishman came and sat by himself, as usual; and only ordered one drink. He paused between sips like before, but never ordered the second shot.
After several days of this new behavior, the bar’s regulars started to wonder — maybe the brother had died? Or was there some kind of a ”falling out”?
Concerned, one of the regulars asked the Irishman why he was now having just one drink - had something happened to his brother?
“Me brother is just fine, thanks,” said the Irishman. “But I myself am givin’ up whiskey for Lent.”
______________________________
Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone.
“Is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.”
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“I can.”
“Is one Harry O. McGinty a member of your parish?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will!”
______________________________
HOSPITAL BILL
Houlihan suffered a serious heart attack at the pub. The barkeep called an ambulance.
The unconscious Houlihan was rushed to the nearest Catholic hospital.
He awakened from open heart surgery to find a nun seated next to his bed, holding a clipboard and a pen.
“D’ye have health insurance?” she asked.
“No,” rasped Houlihan.
The nun inquired further, “D’ye have any money in the bank?”
Houlihan replied, “No. No money in the bank.”
“Sure an’ ye have a relative who could help with the payments?” queried the nun.
“I have one sister, but she’s a poor spinster,” Houlihan replied, adding, “She’s a nun.”
“Nuns are not spinsters!” snapped the nun indignantly. “Nuns are married to God!”
“Fine ‘n’ dandy,” said Houlihan. “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Ping.
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