This Scot goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t taken a poop for a week. The doctor tells him that there is nothing to worry about, so the doctor gave him some pills and told him to come back in a week. A week later, the man tells him that he still hasn’t vacated himself. The doctor gives him a stronger laxative and tells him to comeback in another week.
A week later, the man returns and says, “Dawctor, you gave me garbage pills. I still haven’t gone.” The doctor replies, “Those were strong pills.” After thinking a bit, the doctor then asks, “Tell me, what do you do for a living?”. The man replies, “Why I’m a professional bagpipe player.”
The doctor nods knowingly, “That explains it. Here, take this ten pound note and go get something to eat.”
I had a first-generation Irish-American great-uncle who was a wholesale liquor salesman (can you say stereotype???) that had an entire repertoire of Irish jokes he told customers. He was especially fond of “Pat and Mike” jokes which was funny to the family since that was what his sons were named.
pong
Ping for when I’m awake.
After Mrs. O'Malley stopped crying she said "Well, I suppose I should take some comfort in the fact that he died doing what he loved and didn't suffer long."
"Aye," said the foreman, "He certainly died doing what he loved. But I'm not so sure about the long part. You see, he climbed out three times to go tinkle before he managed to fall back in."
A guy is leaving work when some friends ask him to join them for some drinks; he declines, because he has plans with his wife. They convince him to tell her he’s working late, and they all head to the bar. While they’re carrying on one of them vomits on him, and he’s despondent because his wife will catch on as to where he went. Another says, “Don’t worry, put a $20 bill in your pocket and tell her a co-worker got sick, puked on you, and offered to pay for the cleaning”. He does this, and the next morning his wife asks him about the soiled clothes and money in his pocket; he gives her the BS story cooked up by his friend. She asks, “Why is their $40?” - and he replies, “Oh, he sh!t in my pants, too...”.
Mrs. DeplorableAmerican is part Irish..so she is laughing at those jokes...
A young Southern Baptist minister is touring Ireland. One day, on the train, a passenger pokes his head into the carriage and loudly asks, “Is there a Catholic priest on the train. We’re looking for a Catholic priest.”
A bit later the man returns. This time asking, “An Anglican priest! Is there an Anglican priest?”
Soon after he returns again. This time calling for a Jewish Rabbi.
The young Baptist identifies himself and asks if he can be of service.
“I’m afraid not, Reverand.”, he replied. “We’re looking for a corkscrew!”
A Scottish military regiment was so notoriously frugal, its randy troops were forced to share one condom among all of them. After months of use, including one particularly demanding leave, a trooper came to the sargent and noted that the prophylactic was worn out.
Sarge took the implement to a local tire shop and asked if it could be patched.
“Aye,” said the shop owner. “But there’s nae sayin’ hae long she’ll last.”
A week later, Sarge assembled the group.
“Lads,” he addressed them, “I’ve news ye all need to hear. After a long and careful consideration, the Rrrrregiment has decided to rrrrreplace.”
Ping
SNL - Irish Drinking Songs
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/irish-songs/n9892?snl=1
LMAO!
Love these threads. Bkmk.
That last one’s a doozy!
An Irishman Walks into a Bar…
An Irish guy started to frequent a corner tavern. Each day, he sits at the bar, keeps to himself and orders two shots of whiskey. He slowly sips each whiskey, alternating a sip from one glass and then from the other. When he is finished sipping both whiskies, he gets up and leaves.
After a few weeks of watching this daily routine, one of the regulars ventured to ask the Irishman why he always drinks this way.
“I miss me brother in Ireland,” he explained. “It’s many a year we had a drink together every day at the pub. Now that I’m here in America, havin’ the two drinks lets me feel a bit each day that I’m still sharing a drink with me brother.”
A logical explanation. But one day in the spring, the Irishman came and sat by himself, as usual; and only ordered one drink. He paused between sips like before, but never ordered the second shot.
After several days of this new behavior, the bar’s regulars started to wonder — maybe the brother had died? Or was there some kind of a ”falling out”?
Concerned, one of the regulars asked the Irishman why he was now having just one drink - had something happened to his brother?
“Me brother is just fine, thanks,” said the Irishman. “But I myself am givin’ up whiskey for Lent.”
______________________________
Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone.
“Is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.”
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“I can.”
“Is one Harry O. McGinty a member of your parish?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will!”
______________________________
HOSPITAL BILL
Houlihan suffered a serious heart attack at the pub. The barkeep called an ambulance.
The unconscious Houlihan was rushed to the nearest Catholic hospital.
He awakened from open heart surgery to find a nun seated next to his bed, holding a clipboard and a pen.
“D’ye have health insurance?” she asked.
“No,” rasped Houlihan.
The nun inquired further, “D’ye have any money in the bank?”
Houlihan replied, “No. No money in the bank.”
“Sure an’ ye have a relative who could help with the payments?” queried the nun.
“I have one sister, but she’s a poor spinster,” Houlihan replied, adding, “She’s a nun.”
“Nuns are not spinsters!” snapped the nun indignantly. “Nuns are married to God!”
“Fine ‘n’ dandy,” said Houlihan. “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Ping.