Posted on 12/03/2017 10:56:19 AM PST by Simon Green
Christmas is the best. It is, after all, the most wonderful time of the year. While I stand by my decision to start Christmas carols in October, I accept that some of them are just terrible.
Here are five Christmas carols that need to not exist, in descending order.
5. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?'
Ostensibly about Christmas, this is really just a thinly veiled smarmfest by charity group Band Aid. The premise of the song is that people in need may not know it’s Christmas, because they…well, I’m not sure why they wouldn’t know it’s Christmas. That’s the insulting part. These people are without many things, but they don’t lack awareness.
The song is in five parts. The first is about how nice your Christmas will be, followed by a sucker punch that assumes you never think of other people (also insulting) but maybe you should try it for once, you selfish jerk. Then comes the melodrama of overwrought lines such as “Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears” or “And the Christmas bells that ring there. Are the clanging chimes of doom. Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” Because you’re a bad person who wishes ill upon others, you see.
Next, we have the question of whether the people in Africa know that it’s Christmas because, as the lyricist appears to think, Christmas is all about the stuff. There’s no mention of Jesus, just stuff and, without said stuff, how are they to know? The final part, in case the rest of the song wasn’t heavy-handed enough, exhorts the listener to “feed the world.” Just in case you’ve forgotten what a terrible person you are in the 30 seconds since you were last reminded.
Smug, smarmy, and self-congratulatory. It’s the anti-Christmas trifecta, but somehow still less annoying than…
4. ‘Last Christmas’
The refrain goes: “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but, the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.” Let’s unpack that, because all I have is questions.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Okay, that makes sense.
But, the very next day, you gave it away.
Can a heart be regifted? How, exactly, does that work?
This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.
Is this a Christmas tradition of which I am unaware? Does one need to give one’s heart every Christmas? That aside, was last year’s recipient not special? Because, that might have been why that didn’t work out.
This is a terrible song. Why does it exist? Why does it get so much air time? The only redeeming quality is that it isn’t a truly horrible message for children, like…
3. ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’
This is essentially a song about a kid (Rudolph) who is ostracized for being different until the cool kid (Santa) accepts him, so the rest follow along. Basically, it’s like “Mean Girls” with anthropomorphic animals except, in the TV special, even his parents are jerks to him for being different. It’s a terrible message, and I’m not sure why we’re still singing about it.
This song has a terrible message, but at least it doesn’t fail at the Bible like…
2. ‘Mary, Did You Know?’
Yes, she knew. She obviously knew. For a song that’s trying to be biblical, you really don’t know much about the Bible. Between Gabriel and Isaiah, she definitely knew. Thanks for checking.
Perhaps the only positive thing to say about “Mary, Did you Know” is that it isn’t the absolute worst Christmas song in the word, a dubious honor that goes to…
1. ‘The Christmas Shoes’
This is a hot mess of a song. When it comes on, the only reasonable thing to do is to turn off whatever device is playing, smash it, burn the pieces, scatter the ashes, and salt the earth so nothing will ever grow there again.
What in the world is happening in this song? If you’re lucky enough to have never heard this song, it’s about an incident that takes place on Christmas Eve. A boy’s mom is dying, so he buys her a new pair of shoes so she will look pretty when she meets Jesus.
Okay, what?
His mom is very close to dying (the song indicates she might die that very night), so he goes out shopping instead of spending the time with her? Where is his dad, who should have told him his mom didn’t really need special dying shoes but would probably like to spend time with her son? Did he drive the kid there? Did the kid sneak out? What is going on? The kid seems to understand something about death and Jesus, but it seems that everyone failed to mention that Saint Peter wouldn’t really be checking out her footwear at the pearly gates.
On top of all that, it isn’t even a good song, and it isn’t sung well. There are no redeeming qualities to this song. It is the worst of all Christmas songs and, potentially, the worst of all songs that have ever been known to man since time immemorial.
You are correct - I just happen to like that version. Cheers.
I adore that song. You're right, Pavarotti's interlude is what makes it so extraordinary.
I'll give you #'s 1, 3, 4, and 5....but #2, ‘Mary, Did You Know?’ has just a wee bit to do with that subject.
This is not the version I remember of bizarre song, but it will do. The one I remember was sung by a young boy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-iFsxSNN2c
add Boudreaux’s Christmas - same melody.
Pa-rum pum, pum...rum pum, pum, pum
Pa-rum pum, pum...rum, pum, pum, pum
Pa-rum pum, pum...rum pum, pum, pum.
"Shall I play it again?"
No thanks !
Leni
That and "The Restroom Door Said, 'Gentlemen'"
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Came out in WW2. It was a rather realistic look at Christmas during wartime, dealing with soldiers being away temporarily or permanently.
Yeah I understand WHY she thinks they should be included, but I like Rudolph and Mary, did you know. At least Mary is about the birth of christ and not just a song trying to tag along on Christmas.
The other 3 I’m ok with. I definitely agree with 4 & 5 - I can’t stand those songs. Cant say as I’ve heard the shoe song, but it sounds like I’d feel the same.
Agreed. And attempt at Biblical but it is so way off, it is annoying
A lot of great Christmas songs came out of WWII, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”, “White Christmas”, etc.
You haven’t heard Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer until you’ve heard the Jimmy Durante version....enjoy.
Fine. Be that wsy.
The one Christmas song that my dad, a WWII vet who served it the SPT, really didn’t like, or at least made him very sad whenever he heard it was “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”.
All it reminded him of was all his buddies who never made it home for Christmas, they never came home at all.
I can sure understand that. I bet most people today who hear it, won't know the origins of it.
Back Door Santa. One of my faves.
A Clarence Carter song:
They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day
They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day
I make all the little girls happy
While the boys are out to play
I ain’t like the old Saint Nick
He don’t come but once a year
I ain’t like the old Saint Nick
He don’t come but once a year
I come runnin’ with my presents
Every time you call me dear
I keep some change in my pocket, in case the children are home
I give ‘em a few pennies so that we can be alone
I leave the back door open so if anybody smells a mouse
And wouldn’t old Santa be in trouble if there ain’t no chimney in the house
And Santa was strokin'. Just hope Patches didn't catch him in the act.
I LOVE the Elvis Presley version of that song. Slow, sexy, smokin’ Christmas song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBi6QynmYPs
Shoppin’ around for a Christmas tree
at the grocery parking lot
Every thing over 4 foot 3
is ‘bout hundred bucks a pop
Schleppin’ around for a Christmas tree
and I still haven’t found a thing
In a trailer I met some drunken’ guy
and we did some haggling
People get that ornamental feelin’ every year
Moms and dads and kids all happy
Till they get their hands all scratched and sappy
Shoppin’ around for Christmas trees
What a crappy holiday
Today they smell so fresh and green
They’ll be dead on Christmas Day
You will get that ornamental feeling every year
When you find a tree that looks real jolly
If you turn it round, it’s as brown as Charlie’s
Choppin’ down my Christmas tree
In a true old-fashioned way
Toppin’ it off with a spotted owl
And make a hasty get away
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