Posted on 08/08/2017 5:01:22 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Things Not to Say to a Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police oficer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are
12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy; just him and his
granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly
drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
“Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?” he asked.
“Not really, Grampa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun at all.”
Hillary Clinton phones President Trump with the news that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has died and asks ‘Could I take her place?’
Trump’s response: ‘It’s OK with me, if it’s OK with the undertaker’.
Ok, that’s a classic.
LOL!
But, just picking nits...the tail of a kite adds no lift. It adds drag. The tail acts as a stabilizer to keep the kite more vertical.
This one’s my favorite!
Two young men from Boston decide to travel the US before leaving home for college.
Things go fine as they travel down the east coast.
After heading west from Florida they finally get pulled over in Mississippi at 3 am.
The state trooper asks for the drivers license and car registration.
After checking the ID and registration the officer writes a speeding ticket and gives it to the driver for his signature.
Seeing that he was cited for reckless driving:excessive speed the young Bostonian quips “gee officer, you mad because we woke you up from your nap?”
The officer slaps the driver across the mouth. The trooper says “We don’t allow that kind of backtalk around here.”
The driver meekly signs the ticket and the trooper tells him to stay put, walks around to the passengers door and taps on the window.
When the passenger rolls down the window the trooper gives him a smart rap across the mouth.
“What was that for, I didn’t do anything” the surprised passenger asked.
Calmly the trooper answers “Son, you and I both know that two miles down the road you would look at your buddy and say He sure is lucky he didn’t try that crap with me.”
Triggered
I’m mowing my yard. My neighbor, a 30+ UAW man hired a Mexican roofing crew for a tear-off and re-roof.
They’re having lunch in his front yard, jabbering back and forth in Spanish.
Tempted to go find my green and yellow Border Patrol cap, but not sure where it is.
And I’m expecting the lawn service any minute to spray my yard.
They’re all Americans.
Neighbor comes home, I say, “Hey Bob, you guys are always urging us to buy American cars.
What’s wrong with an American roofing crew?
They could use jobs too.” He replies, “I saved money.”
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