Posted on 05/25/2017 2:39:24 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Buddy replies, "The film said 18 or over."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that! 2:30 a m Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and has climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise for me to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
Ping for later.
I never remember jokes so I’ll be back to steal these so I can send them to my son. THANKS Y’ALL!
Stolen from a Breitbart poster:
Attorney riding in his limo sees a family on the side of the road on their hands and knees. He tells his driver to pull over and see if there is a PI case there. The driver informs him that the family is so poor they are eating the grass. The attorney tells the family “ get in the limo, I will feed you!. I will take you to my home. Later the mother asks “ are you really going to feed us?” And the attorney says “ hell yes, I fired the Gardner two weeks ago and the grass is out of control”...
Little girl comes down a country path pulling a great big bull. A farmer coming the other way says, “What are you doing?” “I’m taking this bull down to the cows so he can mate with them.” “Well, can’t your father do that?” “No . . . it’s gotta’ be a bull.”
Guy goes into a taxidermy shop with two dead rabbits. “Do you want them mounted?” the taxidermist asked. “No . . . just holding hands.”
The air is always different to a midget on a crowded elevator.
Guy sitting at a bar tells his buddy that he got a job as a diesel fitter in a pantyhose factory. “What’s that?” “Well, I take the pantyhose off the machine, hold them up, and say, “Hey, Diesel Fitter.”
Fun!
There are lots of sites on the internet. Like this one.
http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/joke-of-the-day
They don’t call us “goofie-newfies” for nothing! Laughs aside, I’m a Newfoundland girl, and I resemble that remark! (giggles!)
A doctor, an engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the programmer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But where do you think all the chaos came from?”
omg...I’ve seen your name many times before and thought that perhaps you were a Newfie girl but then I thought nah, probably stand for North Florida! HAHA
My Dad was a Newfoundlander. I spent many summer vacations there, in Round Harbour. Full of fond memories.
I was blessed to first go there before the TransCanada was built, had to travel by the Newfie Bullet
then by horse-drawn wagon to the coast and by boat up the coast of Notre Dame Bay.
It gave me an opportunity to see a world that would soon disappear.
One of scrub boards, oil lamps, and chamber pots, of weekend get-togethers in someones’ kitchen with fiddles, squeezeboxes, and spoons.
Climbing rocks, taking the punt out to jig for cod, gutting them when I got back, throwing pieces in the cod oil barrel,
sitting around a drum as the mussels and lobster cook for a feast.
My body might be somewhere else but my heart will always be in Newfoundland.
Born in Ontario, spent 9 years growing up on the US and then back to Ont.
I’ve finally broke free and just moved to NB in March. Some of the same attributes here as in NF. Enjoying it immensely.
A trip to Round Harbour is on by bucket list, I hope to take my children and grandchildren to visit.
Not too may people left there now, think I’ve heard they are no longer going to maintain the road.
The nun from the nursing home ran out of gas a mile from the gas station. The station attendant said she’d have to wait, b/c the gasoline can was being used.
So the resourceful nun searched her car, found a bedpan and filled it w/ gas.
As she filled her tank, one passerby said to the other,’ If that car starts, I’m converting to Catholicism.
Erle is the Gardner. He doesn’t pull weeds.
Most of the funniest stuff is sexual. There are nice exceptions, like: “What is red and smells like blue paint?”
PAUSE
“Red paint.”
But the best is: What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
PAUSE
Snowballs.
Questions from a semi-intelligent, public school graduate
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
>Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
>Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?
>How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
>How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
>How young can you die of old age?
>Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?
>If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
>If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
>If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
>If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
>If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
>If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
>If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
>If youre born again, do you have two belly buttons?
>What if there were no hypothetical situations?
>Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
>Will your answer to this question be no?
>If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?
>If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
>Is there another word for synonym?
>Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
>Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
>If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?
>Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?
>If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
>If swimmings such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?
>If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
>How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
>Do we make bombs better or worse?
>Why dont sheep shrink in the rain?
>If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?
>Can you learn to read from a Reading for Dummies book?
LOL!
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