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Pentagon awards contract to United Airlines to forcibly remove Assad
duffelblog.com ^ | 4/11/2017 | Paul Sharpe

Posted on 04/11/2017 2:11:50 PM PDT by Gamecock

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced Tuesday it had awarded a sole-source contract to United Airlines for work related to the forcible removal of President Bashar al-Assad from Syria.

The contract, worth $2.1 billion, tasks the airline company with locating Assad, grabbing him from his seat in the presidential palace, and “dragging him out of Damascus by his arms.” The contract also notes that Assad should be “asked several times, politely” to give up his seat of power, though if he refuses, United workers should bloody his nose up a bit, according to the posting at FedBizOpps.

The award comes just days after President Donald Trump authorized the launch of cruise missiles at a Syrian air base, in response to Assad’s use of chemical weapons. Two Navy ships launched 59 Tomahawk missiles into Syria, which destroyed roughly 20% of its operational aircraft and a Green Beans Coffee shop being used by the Russian army.

Soon after the strikes, some in the Trump White House began calling for regime change in Syria. Nikki Haley, the US ambassador to the United Nations, told reporters that peace in Syria “could not be achieved” with Assad remaining in power.

Though US military officials have struggled in recent months with a plan for removing Assad, United Airlines cleared its final hurdle for the military’s request for proposal on Monday, when it ordered police officers to forcibly remove a passenger from a flight that was overbooked.

Monday’s test run was “more successful than we could have hoped,” said Charlie Hobart, a spokesman for United.

United will be sending one of its aircraft to Damascus sometime next week, where it will land and carry out the plan called for in the contract.

It’s not yet clear whether United employees will actually carry out the forcible removal of Assad. One source said it’s possible the company may subcontract that portion of the work requirement to the Chicago Police Department, Wells Fargo, or Comcast.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: satire; unlabeledsatire
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To: Gamecock

Hilarious.

Makes me wish we had tried Preparation H to rid the nation of the Obamahoid.


21 posted on 04/11/2017 3:53:10 PM PDT by Fightin Whitey
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To: Gamecock

I just shared this LMAO!


22 posted on 04/11/2017 4:25:51 PM PDT by fedupjohn (The Alpha Male Chosen By The People to #MAGA....President Trump...)
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To: Gamecock

LOL


23 posted on 04/11/2017 4:41:27 PM PDT by Rusty0604
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To: Lonely Bull

The intent of the rule is to avoid misleading readers.

Did anyone really think this is true?


24 posted on 04/11/2017 7:16:04 PM PDT by Gamecock (Twitter: What a real democracy looks like.)
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To: Gamecock

Most people live in the real world.

I thought the headline was funny.

United may have been within the law but some serious redress should be made to this policy. A prop plane could have had the UAL crew to Louisville faster than this fiasco.


25 posted on 04/11/2017 7:32:50 PM PDT by eyedigress ((Old storm chaser from the west))
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To: Gamecock
The intent of the rule is to avoid misleading readers.

Did anyone really think this is true?

I'd hope not, but hope is not a strategy.

26 posted on 04/11/2017 9:31:48 PM PDT by Lonely Bull ("When he is being rude or mean it drives people _away_ from his confession and _towards_ yours.")
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To: Lonely Bull

If people can’t spot blatant satire then the joke is on them.


27 posted on 04/12/2017 8:30:45 AM PDT by TexasRepublic (Socialism is the gospel of envy and thse religion of thieves. Socialism is governmental theft!)
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To: TexasRepublic
If people can’t spot blatant satire then the joke is on them.

Maybe so, but even if I were trying to fool others here more often, I like the policy for still other reasons.

The label allows me to filter a little faster when I'm scanning titles. It also reassures me that the original poster has not mistaken "satire" for a serious report and treated it accordingly, especially after the recent increase in unfunny "news satire" sites.

28 posted on 04/12/2017 2:26:27 PM PDT by Lonely Bull ("When he is being rude or mean it drives people _away_ from his confession and _towards_ yours.")
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