IN!!!
Top 10!
Made it!
Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me crazy, Tyrone; can’t you learn anything?
One day Tyrone’s mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Tyrone’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Hillary.
TOP 20!! Happy Silly Friday!!!
Fester Meatface
HA-HA! Good name for Monkey Face, yes? LOL!
Grunty Scabs
Might as well start with a 
theme:
UGLY WITCH!!
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
** Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
** Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
** Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
** Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
** Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
** Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
** Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
** Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
** If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- Ice-scraper
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight or lantern with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon can of gasoline
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables
I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
That way everyone in the country can get drunk drinking "Responsibly."
And all the other alcoholic drink makers will be advertising for me on their packaging with the slogan "Please drink Responsibly."
Nibbles McBrains
Go Cubs!
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kind’a cute! You gotta phone number?”
I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”
She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?
Paraprosdokians
First time I heard about Paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
(Winston Churchill loved them).
1.. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2.. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it’s still on my list.
3.. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4.. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5.. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
6.. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7.. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8.. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9.. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify... “ I answered “ a doctor.”
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Sadly this is true!!! So....
Spread the laughter, share the cheer, let’s be happy, while we’re here.
Meaty Parasite....sounds like a obama zombie lol
Crawly Scabs??? Ick!
