Posted on 06/18/2016 11:57:16 AM PDT by nickcarraway
We four women are well into our second drink at the bar when the war on men begins.
“ … So he walks in ten minutes before the guests are supposed to arrive, still in his gym clothes, and asks if there’s anything he can do,” says my friend, a Long Island stay-at-home mother of three. “The table’s already set, the kids are already in bed, so I just tell him to get ready. And where do I find him five minutes later? Munching on the apps!”
“Oh my God, at least he asked to help,” sniffs another mom. “My husband wouldn’t notice we’d moved unless I told him.”
I chime in: “I know! I’m sure the baby will still be up when I get home. ‘She was playing,’” I say sarcastically, as if imitating my husband.
The joke — that my husband is a wuss and an imbecile who can’t be counted on to put our daughter to bed — kills just like I know it will. Never mind that it’s based on a largely false picture of my marriage, a picture I regularly dine out on among my friends in what is admittedly a betrayal (however innocent) of my husband. If it is, in fact, sometimes true that my 10-month-old daughter is up late when I get home, it’s not because my husband is an idiot but because he favors a gentle approach to bedtime (playing guitar to lull her to sleep). Whereas I, usually tired and impatient at the end of the day, often allow her to cry it out. Expedient? Yes. But I’m no shoo-in for Parent of the Year.
And yet I still throw my partner under the bus. To my friends. To mothers in day care. In secret mom groups on social media, which are ostensibly devoted to parenting tips but often devolve into complaint sessions about Dear Hubby (or DH, one of the various, sometimes snarky, acronyms peppering parenting boards, which also include DS, DD, and, occasionally, DW).
Here’s a representative example from a fellow mom:
“DH decided to take the baby for a walk this morning and I came home to find my one-month-old slumped over in her carriage. Poor kid probably hit her head on every bump. Then I discover he’s got her wearing two different socks….” An especially poetic entry:
Husband - * promises to do dishes* * watches TV* *falls asleep” *gets up to pee* *tells me not to remind him because he knows* […repeats 1-4] “I’m just really dizzy, I feel like I should go to bed…” Me—“Oh totally fine. You can do the dishes tomorrow.” [picture of tony but messy kitchen, sink filled with detritus]
Fun visual:
The specifics of the complaints may differ, but the discontent is the same: My (pick one) lazy/inept/thoughtless husband is a real idiot/jerk/asshole who doesn’t have a clue about taking care of our kids/house/life, while I, the martyred wife and mother, have to do everything.
Husband-bashing is such an integral part of the mommy boards that the posts require no introduction, much less grammar or spelling:
“When your kitchen is a complete mess because your hubby cooked your bday dinner. I just want flowers. [sneering emoticon]” “When you’re almost 41 weeks and your SO still asks you what’s for dinner every night. And I just finished baking cookies for his mom for her birthday then cleaned the kitchen. But he needs to lie down because he threw his back out. And when I say leftovers he’s like [sardonic face emoticon]. “My husband has never cleaned the bathroom(s) the entire time we have been together. I’ve asked and he said he would then I’ve caught him trying to clean the toilet with toiletpaper –yea that ended quickly.” It goes on and on. I won’t mention the names of the bulletin boards lest I find myself banned. But for fans of the genre, there’s also a nifty a Facebook page.
It’s true that on average women still do more housework than men, according to the latest data from the Bureau of Labor and Statistics, a situation that has remained more or less unchanged for the last 15 years.
But even women who are lucky enough to be in equitable partnerships sometimes find themselves trashing our partners.
“I try not to do this,” said Katherine Stanley Obando, a mother of a 3-year-old who lives in Costa Rica. But when she realized en route to school that her husband forgot to pack the diapers in the preschool bag, she slipped. “When I dropped her off, a whole group of moms was chatting right at the entrance with the teacher in charge. I announced to her — and therefore the group — that I had no diapers with me for the day, and it was because my husband had packed the bag. This was true, but I instantly thought, If we are a team, was that really necessary? Why did I have to say that? Of course, all the moms clucked understandingly.”
When Jeannine Walls’s two kids were little, she thought she’d automatically have a million mom friends. But she found it difficult to bond with her peers, she recalls, because she actually thought her husband was okay. “Going to the playgrounds around the neighborhood, I’d always run into other moms who would sit around the sandbox and complain about their spouse,” she says. “I remember the circle coming around to me, and I kind of started and said, ‘No real complaints here!’ and the other moms looked at me like I was a freak of nature.”
No doubt there are some awful husbands out there. But there’s also a lot of exaggeration. The question is why.
“When moms get together and complain, it’s almost like group therapy,” says Lisa Barr, author and editor of the popular suburban parenting blog Girlilla Warfare.
“It’s part of the sisterhood. A woman feels angry and alone and shares her pain because she needs to,” says Shelley, a U.K.-born journalist living in Tel Aviv. “… So you try to make her feel that she isn’t married to the only schmuck in town — and most times you’d prefer to share how your guy is a million times better than hers, but where will she go with that?”
Where, indeed? Imagine if, when I was at the bar with my girlfriends, I’d said, “Oh, my husband’s at home with the baby— ” be careful to never, ever apply the sexist term “babysitting” to dad, since no one ever says it about mom “ —and he’ll probably clean the house and cook me dinner, too!”
That’s the truth, but expressing it would have stopped the conversation dead in its tracks, not to mention gotten me barred from the next gathering, where the conversation would presumably turn to me and what a condescending showoff I am.
To be honest, I’m just insecure about my own failings. Thanks to his army training, my husband can clean the house and organize it far better than I can, even though I’m the primary caregiver. (We are both freelancers, but since his marketing career is more lucrative than my writing, I’m with the baby most of the day.)
I’m not the only one cloaking my lack of confidence by slagging my partner. “In the beginning of our marriage, he was a better, more skilled cook and had patience to calm children in the middle of the night,” my friend Amy Wolfe, a mother of four from Brooklyn, admits of her husband. “Once we were staying at friends’ for the weekend, and the wife commented how amazing it was that my kids called for my husband before me. I immediately searched for some domestic fault he had and pointed it out.”
Still, we appear to be in the minority. Most moms are quite certain they do a far better job than their hapless husbands — guys who are competent in their careers but are useless around the house purportedly unable to fulfill a simple “honey-do.”
“Women tell their husbands, ‘I’d like you to do this, this, and this,’” Barr says, noting that they often treat their husbands like the babysitter or nanny, but they’re pissed when he doesn’t follow the exact instructions — bath, book, bed.
Are men actually idiots? Are these guys who manage to run their own businesses or show up to someone else’s workplace and competently carry their careers suddenly unable to slap a PB&J sandwich together just because they got married and had kids? Or are we just taking our cues from pop culture?
“In recent years, the image of the manly man hero, breadwinner and outdoorsman have been displaced by images of men as bumbling husbands and dumb dads,” Thomas Bivins writes in a chapter titled “Stereotypes in Advertising” in the book Persuasion Ethics Today (Routledge 2015). “The usually humorous portrayals of men, particularly in home settings, show them as confused and incompetent and in need of rescue by a calm and reasonable mom.”
Yes, they’re all Ray Romanos, Al Bundys, and Homer Simpsons, and we’re the frustrated wives, rolling our eyes at their ineptitude, excoriating them behind their backs.
“Dear Husband: You’re Not Dying, You Have a Cold,” read a recent article on yourtango.com, just one in a series of “Dear Husband” pieces deploying the stinging sarcasm that is typical of the husband-bashing genre.
On one board, a woman whose spouse was sick for a week texts his wife to let her know he finally slept through the night. As she writes:
“Wow that’s awesome, I haven’t slept though the night in over 2 years!!!!! So yea, tell me one more time that you slept through the night and how amazing it was [[angry emoticon]]” Here’s the problem. I “liked” that post. And I related to it. Sometimes I too want to kill my husband because he can sleep through the night rather than having to wake up to nurse. But I shouldn’t complain. If what everyone else says and writes about their husbands is true, mine is a prince.
And yet: He doesn’t actually know what food to pack in the baby’s bag. He puts her diaper on so loosely, she poops all over the crib. He leaves the precious breast-milk bottle out to spoil after putting her to bed. Etc. And so I complain. Because I’m tired. And while I love being a mom, and I know my husband’s a terrific partner, parenting can be hard. I need to take all this frustration out on someone. And it cannot be the kid.
Then again, I can’t take it out on my husband either. Not to his face. Not if I want to stay married. So I go out for a drink and lambaste him to my mommy cohort — never mind that he could probably say far worse about me.
Then again, what are DWs for?
Mate, I meant no offence. Please read some of My other postings for a sense of who and what I am.
But your postings at the moment are more than a bit disjointed, and I mean no offence, again.
So,
take My ramblings at face value, and not as a personal attack, please.
I merely wish to point out to you that your message(s) are not all that clear at the moment.
Cheers.
Son.....every man who mentions a woman is attractive doesn’t intend to bed her...I mean I think Kate Upton is delicious but I fear I’m outta the running
But I’ll play along....the heartache is way to fresh in this young woman who is my wife’s friend and who’s 23 years my junior
I am not on the hunt ....trust me..lol....the couple of dozen folks here who know me personally know that fact
I’m obnoxiously in love with my wife and faithful for two decades ...something I never thought possible
But in the theme ....of the thread...even she can be a royal pain in the ass
It’s no secret I like to wax about girls....they intrigue me....they are very complicated
Which is prolly why ladyjane pinged me.....
Yreka.....Eureka...Arcata ...Crescent City....Mendo.....Boonville....,Susanville.....
I know my way around there a bit......since you mentioned intoxicants
And I acknowledged my disdain for booze.....I did once enjoy your fair crop from out there
If my wife still liked I’d prolly smoke on occasion with her
But I really loathe excessive drinking....it’s personal for me....I won’t be around it beyond social drinking
Stoners for all their hapless apathy and procrastination don’t bug me near as bad as selfish destructive drunks who never ever stop their shit as it destroys everything around them till It affects themselves....then lo and behold they care....they might die.....oh my....I’ve ruined all around me but since it’s affecting me I’ll quit
The ills of pot use compared to that ain’t nothing.....contrary to all the caterwauling about weed here
Besides NorCal would be Mississippi without it...pore
Yes I am guilty of rambling
Like Belushis speech in Animal House
I just don’t take the time to make neat paragraphs
Tom Wolfe meets Hunter Thompson meets poor writing skills and bad eyes and non mastery of an iPhone 6 Plus keypad
I guess the title of the thread is an invitation to trash women, and that’s the path that’s been taken. Give us a break. That door swings both ways.
Hi, wardaddy. Enjoyed your posts - you do have a beautiful wife, I’ve seen the photos. Please say ‘hi!’ from a New York freeper.
There has always been an anti-woman strain among some male freepers. Just check out the selective service for women threads that popped up here about two days ago. Then there’s the bitter divorced men’s club that sometimes thrives here. My favorites are the guys who send away for mail-order brides in Thailand because every single woman in America is awful, lol.
I have a great husband. He puts up with all my nonsense and never complains. It’s true he isn’t all that great around the house but he does the bills, I do the wash. Old-fashioned but it works out very well. He does the grilling and I bake the bread. Sourdough starter is bubbling as we speak so I better say bye!
You know exactly what I meant, scooter. If you’ve got a couple of ex’s I think we can logically deduce you may be the problem and not them.
Awe well, that’s a shame.
You didn’t hit a nerve just your blatant hypocrisy. You’re bashing women on a thread about bashing men.
Women like that - that’s why the divorce rate is so high.
I bet a lot of the women complaining about their husbands “not helping” are stay at home moms and their husbands work 40+ hours a week.
as i understand it that means no punani
Then that means women still have power over you.
They also can have power over your heart
Despite their imperfections it’s hard not to want to love them
I remember came back from San Fran in the mid 60s after a convention with dad and she brought back sourdough starter
She made it frequently the next 40 years
I still like it for things like turkey and Swiss or tuna melt
Indeed
Men and women need one another
It’s Gods plan if folks would just listen
I listen.....even with the heartache the five women I’ve loved in my life( three of those five it was monumental affection and heartstrings) and the many I simply got to what we used to call.....date ....all except a couple enriched my life’s experience
I am grateful they all felt me worth the time....cause they sure were
The sourdough is sitting on the hood of my car. Say a little prayer it rises a second time ‘cause that’s part of dinner.
Well, it sounds like you were lucky to find so many lovely ladies - perhaps you receive what you give out.
I only achieved happiness with men (aside from my men friends) when I met my husband. That was about 25 years ago now.
My mom has the strategy that beibg overbearing nag to her children spurs self improvement.
It’s never worked, but she’s sticking to her strategy as her children are in their forties
HERE HERE! I do NOT hang out with women like this. I have few female friends, mainly because of this behavior. Hubby and I have been together 33 years, married 24 next month. Have never understood women who feel the need to constantly bash their guys. It’s not healthy.
Basic motto: Keep his belly full, his ego boosted, and his balls empty and he will worship the ground you walk on. And it’s worked all these years.
“Why is that?”
OOPS!! Should have said “Not” demean!
My favorites are the guys who send away for mail-order brides in Thailand because every single woman in America is awful, lol.
It’s tough to kissthe lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.
Divorced after 25yrs. Expensive but worth every penny
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