Posted on 06/18/2016 11:57:16 AM PDT by nickcarraway
We four women are well into our second drink at the bar when the war on men begins.
“ … So he walks in ten minutes before the guests are supposed to arrive, still in his gym clothes, and asks if there’s anything he can do,” says my friend, a Long Island stay-at-home mother of three. “The table’s already set, the kids are already in bed, so I just tell him to get ready. And where do I find him five minutes later? Munching on the apps!”
“Oh my God, at least he asked to help,” sniffs another mom. “My husband wouldn’t notice we’d moved unless I told him.”
I chime in: “I know! I’m sure the baby will still be up when I get home. ‘She was playing,’” I say sarcastically, as if imitating my husband.
The joke — that my husband is a wuss and an imbecile who can’t be counted on to put our daughter to bed — kills just like I know it will. Never mind that it’s based on a largely false picture of my marriage, a picture I regularly dine out on among my friends in what is admittedly a betrayal (however innocent) of my husband. If it is, in fact, sometimes true that my 10-month-old daughter is up late when I get home, it’s not because my husband is an idiot but because he favors a gentle approach to bedtime (playing guitar to lull her to sleep). Whereas I, usually tired and impatient at the end of the day, often allow her to cry it out. Expedient? Yes. But I’m no shoo-in for Parent of the Year.
And yet I still throw my partner under the bus. To my friends. To mothers in day care. In secret mom groups on social media, which are ostensibly devoted to parenting tips but often devolve into complaint sessions about Dear Hubby (or DH, one of the various, sometimes snarky, acronyms peppering parenting boards, which also include DS, DD, and, occasionally, DW).
Here’s a representative example from a fellow mom:
“DH decided to take the baby for a walk this morning and I came home to find my one-month-old slumped over in her carriage. Poor kid probably hit her head on every bump. Then I discover he’s got her wearing two different socks….” An especially poetic entry:
Husband - * promises to do dishes* * watches TV* *falls asleep” *gets up to pee* *tells me not to remind him because he knows* […repeats 1-4] “I’m just really dizzy, I feel like I should go to bed…” Me—“Oh totally fine. You can do the dishes tomorrow.” [picture of tony but messy kitchen, sink filled with detritus]
Fun visual:
The specifics of the complaints may differ, but the discontent is the same: My (pick one) lazy/inept/thoughtless husband is a real idiot/jerk/asshole who doesn’t have a clue about taking care of our kids/house/life, while I, the martyred wife and mother, have to do everything.
Husband-bashing is such an integral part of the mommy boards that the posts require no introduction, much less grammar or spelling:
“When your kitchen is a complete mess because your hubby cooked your bday dinner. I just want flowers. [sneering emoticon]” “When you’re almost 41 weeks and your SO still asks you what’s for dinner every night. And I just finished baking cookies for his mom for her birthday then cleaned the kitchen. But he needs to lie down because he threw his back out. And when I say leftovers he’s like [sardonic face emoticon]. “My husband has never cleaned the bathroom(s) the entire time we have been together. I’ve asked and he said he would then I’ve caught him trying to clean the toilet with toiletpaper –yea that ended quickly.” It goes on and on. I won’t mention the names of the bulletin boards lest I find myself banned. But for fans of the genre, there’s also a nifty a Facebook page.
It’s true that on average women still do more housework than men, according to the latest data from the Bureau of Labor and Statistics, a situation that has remained more or less unchanged for the last 15 years.
But even women who are lucky enough to be in equitable partnerships sometimes find themselves trashing our partners.
“I try not to do this,” said Katherine Stanley Obando, a mother of a 3-year-old who lives in Costa Rica. But when she realized en route to school that her husband forgot to pack the diapers in the preschool bag, she slipped. “When I dropped her off, a whole group of moms was chatting right at the entrance with the teacher in charge. I announced to her — and therefore the group — that I had no diapers with me for the day, and it was because my husband had packed the bag. This was true, but I instantly thought, If we are a team, was that really necessary? Why did I have to say that? Of course, all the moms clucked understandingly.”
When Jeannine Walls’s two kids were little, she thought she’d automatically have a million mom friends. But she found it difficult to bond with her peers, she recalls, because she actually thought her husband was okay. “Going to the playgrounds around the neighborhood, I’d always run into other moms who would sit around the sandbox and complain about their spouse,” she says. “I remember the circle coming around to me, and I kind of started and said, ‘No real complaints here!’ and the other moms looked at me like I was a freak of nature.”
No doubt there are some awful husbands out there. But there’s also a lot of exaggeration. The question is why.
“When moms get together and complain, it’s almost like group therapy,” says Lisa Barr, author and editor of the popular suburban parenting blog Girlilla Warfare.
“It’s part of the sisterhood. A woman feels angry and alone and shares her pain because she needs to,” says Shelley, a U.K.-born journalist living in Tel Aviv. “… So you try to make her feel that she isn’t married to the only schmuck in town — and most times you’d prefer to share how your guy is a million times better than hers, but where will she go with that?”
Where, indeed? Imagine if, when I was at the bar with my girlfriends, I’d said, “Oh, my husband’s at home with the baby— ” be careful to never, ever apply the sexist term “babysitting” to dad, since no one ever says it about mom “ —and he’ll probably clean the house and cook me dinner, too!”
That’s the truth, but expressing it would have stopped the conversation dead in its tracks, not to mention gotten me barred from the next gathering, where the conversation would presumably turn to me and what a condescending showoff I am.
To be honest, I’m just insecure about my own failings. Thanks to his army training, my husband can clean the house and organize it far better than I can, even though I’m the primary caregiver. (We are both freelancers, but since his marketing career is more lucrative than my writing, I’m with the baby most of the day.)
I’m not the only one cloaking my lack of confidence by slagging my partner. “In the beginning of our marriage, he was a better, more skilled cook and had patience to calm children in the middle of the night,” my friend Amy Wolfe, a mother of four from Brooklyn, admits of her husband. “Once we were staying at friends’ for the weekend, and the wife commented how amazing it was that my kids called for my husband before me. I immediately searched for some domestic fault he had and pointed it out.”
Still, we appear to be in the minority. Most moms are quite certain they do a far better job than their hapless husbands — guys who are competent in their careers but are useless around the house purportedly unable to fulfill a simple “honey-do.”
“Women tell their husbands, ‘I’d like you to do this, this, and this,’” Barr says, noting that they often treat their husbands like the babysitter or nanny, but they’re pissed when he doesn’t follow the exact instructions — bath, book, bed.
Are men actually idiots? Are these guys who manage to run their own businesses or show up to someone else’s workplace and competently carry their careers suddenly unable to slap a PB&J sandwich together just because they got married and had kids? Or are we just taking our cues from pop culture?
“In recent years, the image of the manly man hero, breadwinner and outdoorsman have been displaced by images of men as bumbling husbands and dumb dads,” Thomas Bivins writes in a chapter titled “Stereotypes in Advertising” in the book Persuasion Ethics Today (Routledge 2015). “The usually humorous portrayals of men, particularly in home settings, show them as confused and incompetent and in need of rescue by a calm and reasonable mom.”
Yes, they’re all Ray Romanos, Al Bundys, and Homer Simpsons, and we’re the frustrated wives, rolling our eyes at their ineptitude, excoriating them behind their backs.
“Dear Husband: You’re Not Dying, You Have a Cold,” read a recent article on yourtango.com, just one in a series of “Dear Husband” pieces deploying the stinging sarcasm that is typical of the husband-bashing genre.
On one board, a woman whose spouse was sick for a week texts his wife to let her know he finally slept through the night. As she writes:
“Wow that’s awesome, I haven’t slept though the night in over 2 years!!!!! So yea, tell me one more time that you slept through the night and how amazing it was [[angry emoticon]]” Here’s the problem. I “liked” that post. And I related to it. Sometimes I too want to kill my husband because he can sleep through the night rather than having to wake up to nurse. But I shouldn’t complain. If what everyone else says and writes about their husbands is true, mine is a prince.
And yet: He doesn’t actually know what food to pack in the baby’s bag. He puts her diaper on so loosely, she poops all over the crib. He leaves the precious breast-milk bottle out to spoil after putting her to bed. Etc. And so I complain. Because I’m tired. And while I love being a mom, and I know my husband’s a terrific partner, parenting can be hard. I need to take all this frustration out on someone. And it cannot be the kid.
Then again, I can’t take it out on my husband either. Not to his face. Not if I want to stay married. So I go out for a drink and lambaste him to my mommy cohort — never mind that he could probably say far worse about me.
Then again, what are DWs for?
I've seen terrible spouses of both sexes. Lazy husbands, abusive wives. Why people stay in those relationships is beyond me.
Women know women. If one is constantly disparaging her man, then of course other women will wonder if it is because she is driving off the competition.
If a woman really wants to get rid of the man in her life, then of course other women will understand that she will make him out to be the next thing since Carramundie’s Crunchies, and pass him off gratefully (sp?) to the next girl in line.
But to the general public...
To anyone other than her trusted friends and family, of course she will never tell them all about what a catch he is...
All others do not need to know. :)
Thank you. :)
And yet... somehow every mate I have ever known...
Has always taken pains to let his mates know what a lucky sod he is to have such a loving, attentive and caring girl in his life and how he is such an unworthy sod to have wound up with a wonderful girl like her...
And how the only thing of importance in his life was therefore to be careful about everything he did and to be able to someday come home to her and make her proud.
We men are such simple souls.
...
According to all the women I have ever known...
Of course.
Old saying:
Women marry men for who they can be...
Men marry women for who they are...
Women always try to change men “To Be Better” *cough*...
Men just love their women for who they fell in love with, and rarely see any need to change them.
Why do women find this at all not understandable?
So... Yes, she treated her SO (Me) like dirt.
Actually, less than dirt. Dirt serves a useful purpose.
Myself, not so much according to The Superior One (The female of the pair, in case there were any doubt...)
Often? OFTEN??? REALLY???
Try ALL THE BLOODY TIME!!!
Too right I got bloody tired of being told how unworthy My meagre efforts were worth whenever I attempted to help about the house.
You instantly dismiss the efforts I put forth towards helping you towards whatever goal you are working towards, too right I am not going to feel encouraged when you treat My efforts with such contempt.
Have fun then. *snort*
“When the men try to help, they are often brow-beaten about the substandard way the first attempt was done until the mother, in exasperation, just takes over and does it herself.”
As the guy, I have felt that. Usually with the dish washer and putting the dishes away. I would go “on strike” for awhile, but then would go back to loading and unloading.
Now I just do it regardless of any complaints, and if I can’t remember where something gets put back I leave it out on the counter.
She does call me at work when it comes to anything cloth-washing related. “So what can I use to get chocolate and coffee out of a red shirt??!!”
As if this is new. As if the founding mothers didn’t hear from their social circles about the ne’er do well husbands among them.
Husbands and wives have been complaining to their friends about their spouses for time immemorial. This ain’t new.
Me, not so much. Turns out the one newbe girl I was interested in was rather proud of the fact that she had a piercing where I might have been interested in probing perhaps at some time, I discovered during our get-together.
No. Thank. You.
Too late to really bother with some of the other lovely lasses I was interested in for this week-end, so I am grumpily catching up on emails for the time being.
My Kelly has texted that she might be dropping by after her girls-get-together later on, but that might or might not be a good thing depending upon their topics of conversations.
Considering what I had overheard during some of their other gatherings...
Not guessing either way. :)
Ahhh... I don’t understand your question, luvvie. Do you mean “only” one, or one particular protuberance?
Or something else, perhaps...
I can tell immediately when my wife has been getting girl power advice from her girlfriends about manipulate your husband 101
I’m like who is coaching you now honey....let me guess.....it’s super spoiled cotton plantation owners daughter who has never worked a day in her life and who’s biggest stress today was choosing handbags....Chanel or Celine....
And men getting advice from other similar minded men about handling problem wife...they’ll listen a bit but eventually they just want to know if she’s as good as she looks like she’d be in ...well you know what I mean.....like if it doesn’t work out can I call her......would you mind...your boys like me you know.....lol......it’s hysterical
Guys are dogs.....I drop dead and my adorable wife will have lots of offers of help from my rakish buds but they’ll have to get through the praetorian guard of my three male Cubs are nothing if not loyal to their daddy
But worse than men or wives playing husbands like they do....is how women treat each other....ruthless beyatches......it can get ugly over nothing
I’m talking 30-60 year old women.....horrible....my wife has few female close pals because of this
And pretty girls can picked on......horribly....I’ve seen my wife come home crying from some kids school event
Once at a pta dinner she approached a huge table to sit down and millenial blondie mom told her all 10 seats were saved...she mortified.....hell...id told her to kiss my ass.....but I bite my tongue cause it’s bad form to cross with another man’s wife
But if I ever get the chance.....
And this thing where gen X wives have to be heard and validated
This younger couple we know got divorced even with young kids
She is cute with beautiful eyes and SAHM......he just dumps her but pays her to stay home even divorced....he’s got somebody...like I said she ain’t chopper liver...I like her I admit....she is utterly heartbroken after 19 years and she’s 36 now
So what does she do?
She writes a blog....for the world to know every detail...,.lol....my wife and I are at the beach and wifey goes oh my God she is telling the world how pissed and hurt she is....
Like I said I’m on her side....he should NOT have banged her up three times and then dumped her....and .with two year old ....shed definitely get a not guilty here from the boys
But a blog to tell all.....
Man....my dads generation had it made when it came to girls
Old school.....garters....hose...slips....loyal...somewhat subservient....didn’t challenge everything and satisfied with a lot less coming out of the depression and WWII
I couldn’t live without them but man they can be challenging
Biggest mistake I ever made was letting Mrs wardaddy know I love her as much or in truth...more than she loves me....in one of my poetic moments
I gave away all my power in one weak second
Never do that....they got ya then....that moment they have been waiting for a lifetime like Sally Fields on Oscar nite
I’m an older dad with my last three...I guess it’s pretty obvious
MGTOW?
as i understand it that means no punani
Count me out.....
There ain’t no way.....
Sex with a fine women.....is pretty much what makes the world go round from my perspective these past 40 years or so
You can still enjoy that bounty even today without being a chump
Now getting married today to a fembot young thang .....yeah....id scratch too
Go to Eastern Europe or South America...or rural South....all women ain’t rurnt
I lived without a woman once involuntarily....it ain’t for me.....
They are a pain in the ass to be sure especially in this hexed era but I just can’t live without a female to squeeze and hold and try to talk to......that’s another male female roadblock....they really are not interested in our bullshit
They want us to listen to them vent and do not offer solutions unless they are freaking out and begging you to “do something dammit”
Man I can remember the looks of exasperation on my dads face when my mom would run back to their room in our tiny unairconditioned house and fling herself on the bed sobbing like Scarlett.....over nothing
My wife doesn’t do that much....more like scowls and pouting and witholding punishment
Their quiver is full of accurately aimed arrows at all times....
Mate... you need to let go of The Amber Nectar for the night.
S’truth.
Post again to-morrow if you feel the need, but for now...
You need to let go the mug and sleep it off.
Post again when you’ve a clear head.
Cheers.
Oh and the last thing you need to do is post about how this girl is cute and undeserving of the Significant Other in her life, because...
My attention is definitely piqued and considering how frustratingly this night has turned out to be so far...
I could well be asking you about more information about an apparently available and definitely interesting girl considering how poorly the events of this particular night have turned out to be on this end.
Cheers.
I’m the exception
My wife ain’t easy nor am I but I get scolded here by lonely horndogs for extolling how beautiful she is..or how happy she makes me at times...to me anyhow....too much
I had a cornhusker guy here once tell me to shut up about my wife that he was sick of hearing it and thought I was making it up..lol
JR zotted him eventually for being hornery
I love women but I think roles have gotten confused and expectations out of whack and priorities misplaced
It’s damaged our culture....I hope we fix it
I’ve got a few posts on this thread...I’m pretty emphatic I’m not interesting in taking up space on this rock without a splittail to share it with me
I know that about myself more than I know anything to be honest
I love women and the children that comes from that naturally...it’s my nature
A lot of men who complain about living without women here as the safe route don’t have one anyhow....and I’m sorry for that....there’s a woman somewhere that need them with like needs and empty heart
My ex burned me really bad and mrs Wardaddy is a mite spirited herself....in other words...i don’t take her for granted....challengers are always lurking about
But I’d never give up on women even if I just arranged temporary company as an old lonely degenerate
Man needs a woman like horse needs oats .....we need y’all more than y’all need us
That’s the big contradiction isn’t it?
Mate.
You really need to go to sleep.
The Amber Nectar is all well and good when imbibed upon on occasion, but you are going to regret some of your postings in the near future if you do not realize that it is time for you to log off and post another day, right?
Cheers.
Partner
I don’t drink or smoke dope or use drugs
Not sure what you’re getting at
I share anecdotal stories generally with folks here I know and whose freeper company I enjoy
And I don’t make shit up like so many do...open...my homepage....that’s me...my family...my life and plenty here do in reality know me....a number have been to my home here in Tennessee
I’m a devout southerner who does not suffer south Bashers gladly.....I try to wax and humour folks and recount my experiences and I don’t sit and reel off pithy sarcasm trying to be most witty or hardcore like many drive by freepers do
I post late because that’s when I have the time to do it and I enjoy it and I typically exchange my observations with folks I know here and like and some of whom know me or my large family off the boards
The businesses I own require odd hours......but tonight it’s Saturday nite and were not going to church....so I’ll sleep in till around 1030
And I’m posting on an iPhone with large hands and not too attentive to spell check
Fact is....I hate alcohol and drunks....they are a pain in the ass to deal with
If you don’t like my style or content feel free to move on......if you want to be pleasant that’s cool too
(and if you happen to mention who exactly this “cute” girl is and how I can contact her, I would certainly appreciate it)
AFTER you get some sleep!
S’truth, mate!
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