Posted on 06/03/2016 5:45:24 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
******************
******************
When you're too worried about when the alarm's going off...
******************
******************
******************
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
Well, in that case, Ill just look the other way, said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
Well, now they know youre one of us, said the bartender. Would you like a drink?
No thank you, but, I still dont understand, said the puzzled nun.
You see, laughed the bartender, every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
******************
******************
******************
The Cloud lamp is a motion activated custom sound designed personal thunderstorm in your house.
This cloud costs a whopping $3,600 and is the most amazing cloud you'll ever have in your house.
The Cloud uses motion detectors to emulate an actual, rolling thunderstorm based on your actions.
Its High tech design allows you to customize it with your iPod, or any other Bluetooth device,
or you may choose to use its built in thunder sounds.
Regardless, you've never had a cloud like this inside your place, or at all really.
******************
******************
******************
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test aint too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is Gods first name?
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.
Forrest says, Well, the first one which two days in the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that ones easy. Thatd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saints eyes open wide and he exclaims, Forrest, thats not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didnt specify, so Ill give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? asks St. Peter. How many seconds in a year?
Now that ones harder, says Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.
Confounded, St. Peter says, Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?
Forrest says Shucks, theres gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .
Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. I see where youre going with this, and I see your point, though that wasnt quite what I had in mind ..but Ill have to give you credit for that one, too. Lets go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me Gods first name?
Sure Forrest replied, its Andy.
Andy?! exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?
Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, Forrest replied. I learnt it from the song. . . . ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . .
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: Run Forrest, run.
******************
******************
******************
******************
I’m in before 10
in
TOP 5?!?
I read once where an old mountain man used very light loads for rabbit. The ball would not go clear through and he would re use them. His record was something like fourty rabbits before he lost a ball.
Life insurance.
Coffin
Toilet paper
Coffee filter
Ten? Pleasepleasepleaseplease
;^)
Toilet paper
Challenge answer: A faulty parachute?
Dynamite?
Toothpaste or cortisone...
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.