How To Write A Good Opus

I think we all agree that the quality of the opuses here on Free Republic has dropped considerably.

Yes, I know that the plural of opus is opera. To me, opera is just some people putting themselves on a stage and waving their arms around and screaming something that nobody understands.

By golly, that is exactly what the opus writers do. Still, the dictionary assures me that "opuses" is also a correct plural form of "opus". If you don't like it, well, write that into your opus....in Italian.

My Dad always told me, "If you're going to write an opus, be sure it's the best opus you can write."

Actually, he was talking about washing the car, but I think "write an opus" works better in this application. I think most of the people writing these opuses would do well to wash their car before writing an opus. At least they'd have a clean car. And like my Dad always said, "You can judge a man by how clean his car is." I think he might have been full of crap on that one. I never saw Judge Judy ask for pictures of everyone's cars.

You need the proper setting and mood to write a really effective opus. Pull all the shades and light a few candles. If you don't have any candles, then light your draft opus on fire. Believe me, everyone will thank you.

Put on some sad music. I recommend "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. If you don't have that, then put on "Muskrat Love". That one always makes me cry.

Glad you asked. Costuming is important. Just ask Bruce Jenner. I think that you should wear flannel pajamas with footies in them. They're comfortable and warm and flannel will easily absorb all the tears you will be crying as you lay out your guts for everyone to see. I've seen guts laying out. It'll make you puke. You don't want to puke all over your flannel jammies do you? I thought not. Keep your guts where they belong.

Maybe we can skip that one because if you were thinking of the audience you wouldn't be wasting the space on our computer screens with your opus.

Make your opus a stand-alone thread. You're writing an opus to draw attention to yourself and your feelings. Don't bury your feelings in a post at the bottom of a thread about Marie Osmond. Though, lord knows, I think we could all do with more threads about Marie Osmond around here. Especially with photos. Lots of photos....of her in that little black dress she wears in that commercial. But I digress.

Use some old opuses as a guide for your opus. "Plagiarism is the highest form of flattery." It's also much quicker. Just ask the Washington Post.

Be sure to talk down to everyone. I don't know about you, but I always appreciate someone telling me what I think and why I think it. It's amazing how many Kreskins we have writing opuses.

Be flamboyant. Get out the old thesaurus and wow us with your vocabulary. Use lots of metaphors and analogies. Here's one of my favorites from a past opus.

Oh.....wait....that wasn't an opus. That was my Mom's birthday card to me. But you get the idea.

Let everyone know how long you've been on Free Republic. Tell everyone about how you wrote your first post with charcoal from the fireplace on a shovel. That really gets 'em.

Make sure everyone knows that they'll be sorry that you're gone. Try putting a curse on everyone you're leaving behind. That will put a dark cloud over their joy that you're leaving.

Tell the owner that he's really going to miss that money you thought about giving to run this site. That dollar you save can now be used to donate to the Hillary "Fighting For You!" Campaign. The treasurer is Ambassador Stevens.

Close your opus with a real stinger. It's the last thing we'll read from you. "I hope you all get cooties!", while dramatic, has been overdone in the opus world. How about something like, "You won't have me to kick around anymore!" That gives us all an incentive to find you and slap some sense into you.

If you use these helpful tips, I'm sure the quality of opuses here on Free Republic will improve!

Ah, thank you for the ping. Yes, this is a topic not to be underestimated. It is, after all, the presumptive finale to one's public persona, and should be treated as the very acme of a number of emotions, some of which I shall list below. These need not all be addressed in the body of a single post - Libbylu's, for example, was a masterpiece of brevity and concision - but if your inchoate rage runs up against a case of writer's block worse than three bran muffins and a suicidal dose of Kaopectate, please feel free to employ the following list.

Item - invoke a sense of outrage. This need be no further away than the caps lock button - again, I reference Libbylu - but a sense of frenzy helps. Help the reader to visualize the spittle on your monitor and keyboard.

Item - invoke a sense of entitlement. Slightly embellished military service may help here: "I got my Medal of Honor with the oak leave cluster during my blimp service at the battle of Bok Choy, where Charlie blew off my arm, I grew it back, and then a Chechnyan sniper blew it off again, so don't you DARE criticize my opinion on the draft!" No one on FR will ever catch you, trust me, and anyway you'll be long gone by the time they do.

Item - invoke a sense of pathos. Remember, declining to post to an anonymous Internet forum is tearing your very heart from your body and leaving it bleeding on the imaginary floor, dammit! It's true that no one here actually knows you and it is likely that no one cares, and so your job as an opus author is to make us care, like forcing an intestinal worm pill down the gullet of an uncooperative cat.

Item - state that FR has changed. While this is certainly true at any given point in the gradual evolution of the collective neurosis that is our beloved website, it should be a change that is somehow intolerably repellent to someone who is, after all, coming here by free choice. Old-timers especially love "FR is no longer the civil, learned, congenial place it used to be." Be sure to open your windows when you post that - the shrieking of laughter that ensues might be your neighbors who have posted here longer than you have. No one who enjoyed the fevered dribblings of Toiletman or read with satisfaction Deb's immortal description of A+Bert as a "urine-soaked old rummy," can remain silent in the face of this sort of sanctimonious absurdity.

Item - project blamelessness. For example, if you have spent the last several months calling a political candidate not of your preference an ax-murdering po-faced swindler who sacrifices puppies to Satan (this may, actually refer to pretty much everyone in DC and certainly to everyone in journalism), and his followers brachycephalic cretins who belong in an institution learning to make brooms, be sure to state piously that you never said a bad word about anyone and anyway the other fellow started it. You won't be around to hear the collective sigh of relief upon your departure anyway.

Item - post drunk. What the hell, why change?

Item - invoke a sense of righteous vengeance. This site, the proprietor, the moderators, the ping lists, and the general membership will all be wearing virtual black armbands of mourning as soon as you deny them the nuggets of your wisdom that pepper your postings like fresh deer pellets on a dusty trail. Wey'll pay, damn us all, oh yes we will. We'll be begging you to come back. You know it's true.

The list above is by no means complete and categorical, it is merely intended to fill in those embarrassing lacunae in a stream of consciousness that make it gurgle like a terlit with air bubbles in the line when you give it that one last righteous flusheroo. It doesn't have to be perfect. The readers would be disappointed if it were.

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