David Letterman Comes Out of Retirement—Ruthlessly Mocks Donald Trump With an Epic Top 10 List!

EOnline ^ | 07/13/2015 | Zach Johnson

[SeekAndFind]

Less than two months after he left CBS' The Late Show, Letterman appeared onstage in San Antonio, Texas, Friday with Steve Martin and Martin Short, who are touring with their stage show, A Very Stupid Conversation…With Music. "Back in Hollywood, we met at a Scientology mixer," Letterman, 68, told the crowd, "and they have been so kind and so generous to invite me here to this beautiful city."

"I am so happy to be out of the house," a bearded Letterman admitted. "I retired and I had no regrets—none. I was happy. I was complacent. I was satisfied. I was content. And then a couple of days ago, Donald Trump said he was running for president. I have made the biggest mistake of my life, ladies and gentlemen."

Pulling a paper out of his jacket, he said, "Every suit I own comes with a Top 10 list."

"A lot of people think we would know everything by now about a man, Donald Trump, a high profile fellow, somebody who doesn't shy away from every aspect of his life," Letterman said as his two friends laughed beside him on stage. "But take a look at the list I have here tonight: Interesting Facts About Donald Trump."

[mass55th]

He must be bored not having any female co-workers to molest anymore.

[MuttTheHoople]

David Letterman's Top Ten Come-on Lines:

10) B***h, lay down right there or I'll fire you!

9) B***h, on your knees NOW! or I'll fire you!

8) B***h, bend over NOW, or I'll fire you!

7) You think you gotta great idea for a comedy bit? B***H, YOU'RE NOT HERE TO THINK! NOW ON YOUR KNEES!

6) B***h, if a Democrat rapes you, just lie back and enjoy it.

5) B***h, this is when you start running.

4) Hey, b***h, I got a rug as ugly as The Donald's!

3) B***h, I NEVER promised you a reach-around.

2) Hey, baby, you get degraded here often?

AND THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER IS.................

1) B***h, you have a marvelous head...it would look good next to the one in my freezer.

[DaxtonBrown]

David Who?

[timestax]

[bgill]

Dave needs to go back into retirement.

[ExNewsExSpook]

No kidding...fact is, Letterman’s “retirement” wasn’t entirely voluntary.

As everyone knows, Letterman was an also-ran in the late night ratings for decades, first to Jay Leno and after he retired, Letterman was drubbed by Jimmy Fallon from the first night he took over the Tonight Show. Making matters worse, Letterman routinely lost to “Nightline” when it was in the 11:30 time slot, and he was often running behind Jimmy Kimmel as well. Lower ratings = less advertising revenue and profits for CBS.

Also worth noting that Letterman’s departure was preceded by Craig Ferguson’s retirement from “The Late, Late Show,” which was produced by Letterman’s production company. When Ferguson was gently pushed out, CBS announced plans to assume full control of the 12:30 time slot. That meant Dave would no longer have any input on who hosted the program that followed his, and he would no longer share in any of the revenue. That significantly cut his annual paycheck from the network.

Finally, Letterman’s deal at CBS was up for renewal, and his good buddy Les Moonves (president of the network) didn’t appear to be in any hurry to renew. And if Dave decided to hang around, he was likely looking at a pay cut, given his poor performance in the ratings. For public consumption, Moonves liked to talk about the critical acclaim and awards Letterman won, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to ratings. Over the course of his career at NBC, Jay Leno probably earned the network $1 billion more than Letterman contributed to CBS, and even in the world of network TV, that’s still real money.

Johnny Carson left as the undisputed king of late night TV and saw no need to polish his accomplishments. In fact, he only made one more TV appearance before his death in 2005—a brief walk-on during one of Letterman’s broadcasts. By comparison, Letterman left CBS as (in the words of the Washington Post) the biggest loser in TV history. That’s the burr under Dave’s saddle blanket and the reason his retirement will be short-lived.

That, and the fact, it must be living hell around his house. According to the tabloids, his wife has never forgiven his serial infidelity and when things got dicey at home, he could always stay in his apartment at the Ed Sullivan Theater. That little perk ended when he left The Late Show, so need needs to get on the road to escape the wrath of Mrs. Letterman.

[edpc]

Emabarrassingly weak. No wonder he supported the writers when they were on strike.

[verga]

I had actually hoped and prayed we would never hear of that D-Bag again, of course I said the same thing about Trump as well.

[RckyRaCoCo]

1) Hey Dave, sexually harass anyone lately?

2) Let me hear you say "suffering succotash" through those beaver teeth.

3) Someone tell Dave LED light bulbs would have lasted longer in his applause sign and that his laugh tracks need to be sent back to Mattel for repair.

4) Unlike Trump, Letterman proved in NY...those who can fake it there, can fake it anywhere.

5) Dave's jokes were as funny as a 3-clawed crayfish up your @ss

6) Dave, little Johnny Crayfish thinks you should see a doctor about that rash.

7) Got anymore funny lines about kids with Down Syndrome?

8) Paul Shaffer used to call yours a "gassy show", I agree, next time you let loose with your monolog, be polite, excuse yourself...and lay off the burritos.

9) When they destroyed your set and threw it in the dumpster the day after your last show?...best comedy bit evah!

10) Good luck with retirement, I hear the DNC is looking for more no-talent hacks...oh...been-there-done-that...got it.

[hal ogen]

It is a sad commentary on our society that anyone thinks this dimwit is in the least entertaining or funny.

[Bratch]

BERKELEY BREATHED RETURNING TO "BLOOM COUNTY" FOR FIRST TIME IN 25 YEARS

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After 25 years, Berkeley Breathed is returning to his Pulitzer Prize-winning comic strip, "Bloom County." Breathed announced the new incarnation of the politically-minded strip via a post on Facebook that featured him working on a new comic with the words "Bloom County 2015" at the top.

"Bloom County" originally ran from December 1980 until 1989, just two years after he won the Pulitzer. The characters, such as Bill the Cat, Opus the Penguin, Hodge-Podge the Rabbit, Milo Bloom, and Cutter John, lived on in the Sunday-only strip "Outland" from 1989 to 1995, as well as "Opus" from 2003 to 2008. When "Opus'" run ended, Breathed said he was stepping away from strips entirely and began focusing on writing children's books. At the time, he said the political climate in the country had grown too bitter for him to continue taking a light tone on things, and he wanted to get out before things got too tough.

However, with the 2016 presidential campaign season heating up, it seems that Breathed has found something funny to talk about again:

 

 

 

 

 

Find Breathed's announcement post, from which the above exchange originates, below:

Berkeley Breathed
A return after 25 years. Feels like going home.

Like · Comment · Share · Yesterday

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[rockrr]

Good post. My folks loved Carson so I got a bit of exposure to him. Other than that I’ve never cared much for any of them. I can take a joke as well as the next guy but there comes a point where one has to be a masochist to subject themselves to their endless insulting crap.

As far as I’m concerned, Letterbuggerer failed the first rule of comedy - you have to be funny.

[King Moonracer]

40% of his jokes on Trump’s hair, he violated Carson’s limit on 3 jokes on one thing. Never as good as Carson, the gap toothed freak.

[plain talk]

actually some of the items on the list are pretty funny.

[GoneSalt]

Did he make it to #1 without oxygen?

[mrsmith]

The aging Baby Boomer comics are SO pathetic.
Their predecessors were sharp to the end.
George Burns could get more laughs in a coma than these burn-outs.

[Amagi]

In retirement Dave is going to be a stooge for the Demmunist Party.
Sweet!

[timestax]

ping

[Salamander]

So...where was the funny stuff?

[Salamander]

I see he finally got the gap in his teeth fixed.