Posted on 07/10/2015 6:20:22 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
On the day they were to leave Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot and his wife and children were leaving the house.
Lots wife: “Lot, I can't believe that you offered up your beautiful daughters to those men to protect men we don't even know. What kind of a man are you to do such a thing? Now, after all the time wandering in the desert, you say we have to leave home here and move off into the wilderness again, I swear, I think I married the wrong brother! Lot, what kind of a man are you?”
Lot to his wife: "Did you turn off the water in the kitchen sink?"
Lot’s wife as she turns to go back “Lot, what am I goin--------"
Lot smiles!
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't screw with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Being famous on Facebook is a bit like being rich in Monopoly!
Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt...people writing on walls and worshiping cats!
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Facebook is like jail...you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know!
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status...after 3, it should default to "unstable" for at least 6 months!
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
My offering today is kind of meager:
The difference between the U.S. Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IBTP TGIF!
Bravo
Top ten? Pleasepleasepleaseplease.....
WOOT......happy friYAY....
W00T!
So a deer walks into a bar...
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping on the prairie one night.
Around 2AM Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger...
Kemosabe...Look up. What you see?
The Lone Ranger looks up at the sky, groggy...
Well, I see a clear sky with lots of stars...
Tonto says “What that mean to you Kemosabe?”
Well, astronomically it means there are millions of stars and galaxies out there.
Astrologically it means Leo is rising.
Mathematically it means we are probably not alone in the universe.
Meteorologically it means tomorrow should be a nice day.
He gazes for a few moments...what’s it mean to you Tonto?
Kemosabe...you dumb as a buffalo chip. It mean someone stole tent!
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