Posted on 03/15/2015 6:37:09 AM PDT by rickmichaels
Hey, loving your children is good but thinking they’re better and more special than other children – God’s gift to the world – could ultimately backfire.
So check that uber-praise at the door because kids who are overvalued are at risk of having an over-inflated ego, report researchers at Ohio State University.
The study shows that efforts to raise a child’s self-esteem with heaps of praise may actually be raising levels of narcissism instead.
“If a parent constantly praises a child’s work, that child may become a praise junkie and constantly look for affirmation and validation from others,” and then resent those who don’t tell them how wonderful they are all the time, says psychologist Sara Dimerman.
Consider a small push off the pedestal now! “Sadly, we are raising a generation of narcissists. Narcissists often have very poor self-esteem. Tragic,” says Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a teen, adolescent, child and family psychologist who blogs about this issue on drbarbaragreenberg.com.
“The problem with much of parenting today is that we focus on our children and their accomplishments rather than teaching our children to be part of a community of peers, families and adults,” says Greenberg.
And we’re failing to teach empathy, she says, adding that a lack of empathy is associated with narcissism.
Narcissism and entitlement are connected, says Deborah Mecklinger, a professional coach at walkthetalkcoaching.com. “Parents who believe their kids are better than others often teach them that they are entitled to play by different rules.”
They get the message that the regular rules of the road don’t apply to them, says Mecklinger. “Free passes, short cuts, ignoring and or avoiding taking responsibility for behaviour and or actions are the preferred path.”
Don’t be too hard on the parents though – most have good intentions and are just trying to boost self-esteem.
According to Dimerman, it’s normal for parents to see their children through rose-coloured glasses and to believe that their children stand out when with others.
While previous generations of parents valued being humble, compliant and blending in with others, the pendulum has swung to the other side, says Dimerman. “Nowadays, parents push their children not just to be their personal best but to outshine everyone else and to rise to the top.”
She says this is understandable in light of strong competition in the university system as well as in the workplace. “In other words, if you don’t get the highest marks in your class or if you’re not a leader, the thought today is that you will get left behind. This belief is not unfounded.”
However, in the process of raising children to be fierce leaders and better than the rest, she says that parents may unintentionally not be teaching other important values such as empathy, consideration for others and teamwork.
Meanwhile, parenting coach Barbara Desmarais doesn’t believe we’re
raising a generation of narcissists but she thinks parents can misunderstand what their role is when it comes to self-esteem.
“Telling your child he/she is more special than everyone is wrong and I can see how that could lead to narcissistic qualities,” says Desmarais, of theparentingcoach.com.
On the other hand, “telling your child he/she is special - and that we’re all special - contributes to a sense of self-worth. Your child is special because we’re all unique with our own likes and dislikes, personality traits, temperament, and so on, not because we’re better than everyone else.”
Although it’s important for us to acknowledge accomplishments, every small accomplishment doesn’t require a big celebration, she adds.
“A three-year-old saying thank you is not an Academy Award performance, it’s simply what you expect from her. And you treat it that way,” says parenting expert Kathy Lynn.
Good manners (age appropriate) and respectful behaviour are not special behaviours, they are simply what we expect from the kids, says Lynn. “Children who are over-recognized for every action become children who always need the recognition.”
Everyone I know considers themselves to be above average.
Children don’t need self-esteem; they need self-respect.
Those two are entirely different.
Entitled children often become entitled “adults”.
I happen to work for a preening narcissist. He’s the only child of a wealthy couple and has been spoiled since his birth. He has no concept that he might be wrong, no matter how far out his ideas are. He pretty much lives in his own reality and assumes everyone else sees the world the way he does. He is not fit to run a company but it his birthright.
I’m not, despite the fact I put the computer behind me and read the article in the mirror.
They know how to fight dirty and sometimes do. Sometimes their actions are driven by a “By Any Means Necessary” mentality...but not in a good way because they’re so narcissistic.
I am better than average. But that's not hard these days. In fact, I'd be most FReepers are "better than average" intellectually and as it pertains to hard working, productive citizenry in America.
The "average", measured by any standard seems to be in free fall.
Conservatives versus progressives?
I know of a guy just like that and it seems it may be unraveling for him.He just lost a major contract with his number one customer which cost the customers company over 2 million dollars and to get the contract back he will have to make good on the 2 mill.He is now selling everything (High end toys)to get back in the game.He thought he was on top of it(buying out his partner(more like screwing the partner).Its been fun to watch because the guy is such a douche.
Narcissism is created at both ends of the parenting spectrum by either neglect or constant praise and ego boosting.
I figure between the Facebook/internet/phone addicted parents and the Special Snowflake parents, we’re doomed.
They are the John Stewart Generation.
Vicious, and vile little bastards. Think they are seriously the most smartest people that has ever lived. They can never be wrong. They also love echo-chambers, despise dissent, and are completely ok with persecuting people that dare not tow the line, and love to censor opposing viewpoints.
Try commenting these days on a news site with a viewpoint that does not jive with the ultra-PC brainwashing of the day and see how long it takes for your comment to vanish.
The more of these people that enter into the workforce, the more insane things are going to become.
They best way you can keep your children from becoming narcissistic is to never, ever let them speak disrespectfully to anyone in authority.
And you never, ever let them get away with telling a lie.
Low self esteem can be deleterious to a person’s success in life. I have seen self confidence win against merit many times.
Amen. And that is learned when parent and child develop mutual respect. Respect is earned...on both sides.
We were never, "Because I say so" parents....we were "I have a good reason for saying so....do you want to have it explained to you it right now or not?" parents.
We told the "whys" behind our "whats" whenever possible, all while reminding our girls that our job was to teach them to be good and competent adults, and their job was to learn what that involved. We used humor and fun as much as possible to impart those lessons, told of times when we made mistakes and had to learn from them, and really worked to honor young people with true attention, not phony praise. The reactions of kids that are not used to being truly attended to is always the same....it's like a drug that they can't get enough of.
We've mentored not only our own children, but many of their friends and kids in our church community. They flock to us because we provide something they know they need, but are not receiving elsewhere. MGD particularly excels at this with teens. I am the queen of little ones. We are a good team, and our girls have turned into really fine adults. They sense the difference between them and their peers - they feel both annoyance at their lack of maturity and competence and also pity that more young people could not have had better guidance as they journeyed to adulthood.
Humility is in short supply these days. People who believe they know what’s best for everyone are not.
The frequency with which today’s young parents tell their youngsters “Good job!” or “I’m so proud of you!” is quite alarming.
Yep.
If you watched the interviews of the Ferguson crowd on Hannity last week, you can pretty much conclude that we’re all darn near geniuses.
Seriously, I was just saying to my daughter the other day that it’s the whole child-centered self-esteem movement that has thrown parents for a loop and created a bunch of poorly behaved, disrespectful, spoiled brats. Many of them are out of control, as we’re afraid to hurt their little feelings by disciplining them properly.
Self-esteem is a myth. We are only valuable because we were created by God and worth dying for - that’s where our value is. Self respect and humility are what is sorely needed.
““Parents who believe their kids are better than others often teach them that they are entitled to play by different rules.””
Goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway - we have several of these “kids” in our midst today - Hillary, her husband Bill, most liberals and that special of all kids beloved by even his grandparent’s friends - obozo!
I would swear that all the child rearing “experts” years ago were preaching just the opposite but what do I know?
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