***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

Today's lesson, from Common (Commie) Core

Let's start out with English and Language Arts

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Reading Time!

Church Ladies
Typewriters.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
" I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours .

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And now for Economics & Civics

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The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Chris Matthews’ leg has quit tingling.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Rush Limbaugh is smoking Swisher Sweets.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the Grey Poupon guy has switched to French’s.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the White House china is actually being made in China.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the President is changing his slogan to “Hope and Spare Change!”

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Nancy Pelosi is selling earmarks for 1/2 price.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Saturday Night Live is thinking about telling an Obama joke.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the President is running a small business on the side. It’s called GM.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Rosie O’Donnell is losing weight.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Kenya now claims he wasn’t born there.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Al Gore is selling carbon credits on late night television.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Bill Ayers has to make do with M-80s.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the White House plans to cut Hillary Clinton’s hours.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Barack’s pyramid is on hold.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Michelle fired her nanny and learned her children’s names.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the airlines are installing pay toilets in coach.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that you can order checks pre-marked “Insufficient Funds.”

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Congress is planning a spare change for clunkers program.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Americans are being caught sneaking into Mexico.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the Chicago mob is laying off judges.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Jesse Jackson is renting a limo.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that it only takes one lick to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Motel Six won’t leave the light on for you anymore.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that they now ask at the burger counter, “Can you afford fries with that?”

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the federal stimulus checks are bouncing.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that banking executives are playing miniature golf.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the CEO of Wal-Mart was seen shopping at Wal-Mart.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that one of the the best paying jobs nowadays is jury duty.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that even people who aren’t in the Cabinet have stopped paying taxes.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Michael Vick is working at Petco.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Al Sharpton cuts his own hair.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that McDonald’s has a layaway plan.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Bill Clinton watches scrambled porn.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that John Edwards is cutting his own hair.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Obama is robbing Paul to pay Peter.  
 

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And now for some Math

 

[Dead Corpse]

Gotta get in before post 25!!!

[red-dawg]

[gnickgnack2]

Brings to mind a question I still haven’t gotten an answer for...why do you call it a combine when its job is to separate?

[mykroar]

That’s just nuts.

[skinkinthegrass]

like your way of thinkin'..ship 'em off/de-populate the west.

[Arrowhead1952]

***
Church Ladies
Typewriters.
They’re Back!

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Reminded me of a cute gal I had in a Sunday school class. There was a blip in our bulletin that read:

Please pray for Mrs. -—— this week. She fell and hurt her hip and is now under her doctor’s car.

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She said, “I know that is a mistake or she is really hurting now”.

[workerbee]

[skinkinthegrass]

big 'ol OUCH!
get me outa here..*coughing*..please!

[Excellence]

What’s that thing in the reef
with the big shiny teeth?
It’s a Moray.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Remember, where four Irishmen are gathered, there’s a fifth.

[llevrok]

As a frequent business traveler, I seek out small, quiet local places to eat in the cities I visit rather than the impersonal and often over priced hotel dining rooms. On my first visit to Dublin, I asked some one on the street for a dinner suggestion and they pointed me to a near by public house known for it’s local color and sandwiches. Off went ! The place fit my specs and poured a great glass of Guinness.

While at the bar, I couldn’t help over hearing a discussion between two men that went something like this -

Man 1 : “I’m from Dublin. So are ya from Dublin too?”
Man 2: “Yes I am, fancy that, will ya!”
Man 1 : So what parish did ya grow up in?
Man 2 : St Mary’s.
Man 1: St Mary’s!!?? Bejesus. Me too!! Did ya have Sister Agnes in grade 4?
Man 2 : Sister Agnes?! God man. Figure that?! I haven’t tot of her name in years. I had her too.
Man 1 : I don’t suppose ya know Billy Hale? I played footie wit him.
Man 2 : Billy Hale’s me best friend! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What a coincidence! ...................

As the two kept talking and found out how much in common they had with each other, their voices got louder and louder and more excited. So much so, I finally had to ask the bartender, “What’s up with those two?”.

“Them two?”, he said. “Oh, it’s just the Flannigan twins, drunk again!”

[verga]

Not to be picky, but this is not silly, it is simple common sense.

[llevrok]

What are two gay Irishmen named ?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

IRISH QUEER: A man who prefers women to whisky.

[Rummyfan]

Irish queers: Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald...

or

Ben Doone and Phil McAvity....

[llevrok]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

‘In fact’, he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society’.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?

‘Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,’ he replied. ‘In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

An Irishman has recently moved to New York. Every night he goes to the bar down the street from his apartment, orders three beers at once, and sits at his table taking a drink from each one in turn. After a while, the barkeep notices this and decides he needs to find out why this Irish fellow follows this somewhat unusual practice.

“Well,” says the Irishman, “my two brothers and I left Belfast earlier this year to seek our fortunes elsewhere. I came here to New York, Seamus moved to London, and Patrick went to Sydney. We all agreed that we’d do this at our local bar every day after work sort of as a way of having a pint together.”

The bartender says, “Well, that’s a neat idea!”

A few weeks later, the Irishman comes into the bar, but this time he only orders two beers. The bartender decides to take him his beers himself rather than have one of the waitresses take them.

He sets the two beers in front of the Irishman and says, “I’m so sorry.”

“About what?” asks the Irishman.

“About your brother,” the barkeep says. “You’ve only ordered two today, so something must have happened to him.”

“Oh, no, my brothers are fine,” says the Irishman. “I’ve given up drinkin’ for Lent.”

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Also Phil McCracken.

[laweeks]

I'm calling your parents

No, please!!!

Does this imply that the kid even has "two" parents? It should probably read, "I'm going to call you' Baby Momma!" since 70% of "black" kids are born out of wedlock.

[zeugma]

OMG! LOL! ROTF!