Posted on 03/14/2014 5:57:50 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Church Ladies
Typewriters.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
" I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours .
FIRST!
Top 2?
Top Ten!!!!
Hat tip sodpoodle
Cowboy Solution (This is Good)
I have lived, loved, lost and loved again.
Life is not easy,..... but it is what it is.
Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head aint crooked.
3. Lets get this straight: its called a gravel road. I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, youre gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. Thats why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Dont like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. Were impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. Its called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you dont have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? Its available at the corner bait shop.
9. The Opener refers to the first day of deer season. Its a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10.. We open doors for women. Thats applied to all women, regardless of age..
11. No, theres no vegetarian special on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chefs Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We dont care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AINT REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring Mary Jane into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But dont hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump aint music, anyway. We dont want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably wont get it, but were friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
And there is more.............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.
OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....
The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....
Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....
Give him a soldiers pay while hes there and tax him on it......
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country...
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident......
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the rifle or ammo.
Problem solved.....
If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends....
I just did..........
Top 5, 6, or 7, depending on when this post gets through
Good morning everybody!
Top 10 woot...
Or, maybe not
Woo Hoo!
Top Ten (maybe)
Missed it by that much! Top Ten, that is.
Top 15!
Top 20!!!
HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!!
ERIN GO BRAGH!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.