Posted on 02/28/2014 4:09:28 AM PST by Lucky9teen
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
The most AWESOME version of AC/DC's Thunderstruck
The worlds most enthusiastic barber And is it me, or does he look like Eric Holder?
TOP 10 ONE LINERS
1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy.
What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.
Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,“Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet... Ate the cookies... Drank the milk... Sh*t on the paper... Screwed the other three cats... Claimed he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... Put in for Workers Compensation… and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave… AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT
“23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Lee Trevino”
Not to mention they’re the same people who think haggis is edible.
I thought that might fit Your day
Is that a bustle or just her butt?
Oh maN!
Where have I BEEN????
GAH! I almost missed the thread!
Actually, Michelle looks pretty decent there, compared to other pics I’ve seen of her. **snark**
same thing
MWAhahahahahaaaa!!!!
Laughing like a lunatic reading those reviews. Good thing my office is kind of isolated...
Shi**er
OK 20 years in the Navy that’s what we called it.
THAT was good! LOL! I like Jeff Gordon, anyway, so it’s cool!
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it always turns itself in.
How many AA members does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but they need a twelve step ladder.
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
I don’t know. Allegedly there are 18 holes in golf because that is the number of shots in a bottle of Scotch. They are not all that off kilt-er, IMHO.
That’s easy...SUR...S-U-R. (When you are really positive about something.) - Joe Biden
Speaking of things some people eat, we were travelling through a small twon in NC when we decided to stop at this local butcher shop to buy some country sausage. When we went in the smell was AWFUL!!!!
The lady apologized for the smell and said, “We usually cook the chitlins outside but it’s raining today.”
And people eat chitlins, which smell like pig sh*t?
46 years out of the Marine Corps, and that's what I still call it...
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers...
... that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’ The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Seen the trailer? The movie is already in our Netflix queue.
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