Posted on 02/28/2014 4:09:28 AM PST by Lucky9teen
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
The most AWESOME version of AC/DC's Thunderstruck
The worlds most enthusiastic barber And is it me, or does he look like Eric Holder?
TOP 10 ONE LINERS
1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy.
What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.
Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,“Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet... Ate the cookies... Drank the milk... Sh*t on the paper... Screwed the other three cats... Claimed he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... Put in for Workers Compensation… and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave… AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT
Have a good weekend everyone! And to all those enduring Arctic temps, stay warm!
Top 25
You got a new Windows 7 too ?
Summer
Yup. Takes forever to get updates downloaded and installed.
The Gospel according to Titleist:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
~ Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~ John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
~ Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
~ Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
~ Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~ Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye
14. I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
~ Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
~ Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
~ All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian
AND FINALLY...............
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Lee Trevino
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.’
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
Star.
That picture looks like an enhanced pic of a person falling from a building on 911.
I hope someone was not that distasteful.
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