LAlalalalalal!!!
In early
WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
TGIF!
reminds me of McCain during the debates of 2008
Top ten.
Happy Friday!!!
"First, on your way home stop and buy a bunch of bananas and a dozen plain donuts. When it's time for lovemaking, you are to both strip completely naked. Mrs. Green, you are to sit across the floor from Mr. Green and present a suitable target for a peeled banana. Mr. Green, you are to attempt to slide the banana across the floor into the target. When you are successful, crawl across the floor and remove the banana without using your hands.
"When you have completed this exercise, Mr. Green is to sit across the floor and present a suitable target for a donut. Mrs. Green, you are to attempt to toss a "ringer." When you are successful, crawl across the floor on all fours and remove the donut without using your hands."
Mr. and Mrs. Green followed the instructions and within a month their love life had been totally rejuvenated. They couldn't talk enough about how wonderful Dr. Gray had been for their marriage.
When Mr. and Mrs. Brown found out, they immediately made an appointment with Dr. Gray. He gave them the same complete work-up, but at the end said, "I'm sorry, I can't help you."
"But," protested Mrs. Brown, "You were such a help to our friends, the Greens! We're at our wits end and we're afraid our marriage is about to fail. Won't you please help us?"
With a sigh, Dr. Gray said, "I will try, but you must follow my instructions to the letter. On the way home buy a dozen cucumbers and a box of Cheerios."
Sign at a Gun Show
“My brother and I went to the Gun Show at Reliant Center Saturday, Mar. 23, 2013.
An all-day big show and lots of guns. Looked like people buying mostly hand guns and a lot were just looking, as we were.
Thousands of people, hundreds signing up and joining the NRA - wow!
The best sign I saw there was at a booth that read:
“IF YOU VOTED FOR OBAMA, WE DO NOT WANT YOUR BUSINESS. YOU’RE TOO DAMN STUPID TO HAVE A FIREARM!”
Beware of older men......
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.”
The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?”
“I promise I won’t.” she says.
“I was behind you at McDonalds...”
Detroit, Michigan
Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes, and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes all in a
semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.
Local residents were stunned, and a community organizer said:
“We’re all shocked; we never knew we had a library”.
Bad news about Grandpa
An elderly man had a masssive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.
After a while, the ER doctor appeared with a long face.
“I’m afraid Gramdpa is brain dead, but his heart is still beating”.
“Oh dear God”, his wife cried. “We’ve never had a liberal in the family before.”
Pope Francis recently finished his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, “Tuti Homini” - Blessed be Mankind.
A Woman’s Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini” - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, “Sure.”
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.”
Two sisters, one blonde and
one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a
few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far
town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects
the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell
it for $599 - no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send
her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can
haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be
glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
After paying for the bull, the brunette only
has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of
thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable’.”
The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that
bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable
The brunette explains,
“My sister’s a blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly.........
com-for-da-bull”.
This comic strip isn't as funny as it used to be. :(
I bought a new
Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck.
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen,
gasoline, or E85.I returned to the dealer
yesterdayBecause I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The service
technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
‘Nelson,’ the
technician said to the radio.The radio replied, ‘Ricky or
Willie?’
‘Willie!’ he
continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from the
speakers.
Then he said,
‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant
‘ Georgia On My
Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.I drove away happy, and for the next few
days,
Every time I’d
say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful
classical music, and if I said,
‘Beatles,’ I’d
get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday,
some guy ran a red light
And nearly
creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in
time to avoid him.
I yelled,
‘***!’
Immediately the
radio responded with,
Ladies and
gentlemen,
The
President of The
United
States, Barack Obama
Damn I love this
truck . . ..
