Posted on 01/01/2013 9:11:57 PM PST by San Rafael Blue
I'm sure other middle-aged adults are going through similar situations. I live on the west coast, but hail from back east, Michigan, to be precise. I grew up in a huge bricked home with full basement, attic, four bedrooms two bathrooms. I am still very close to my three siblings and to Dad. St. Cecilia, The Catholic grade school we attended is still functioning, and only two blocks from the house. Daddy attends 9am Mass each Sunday. My Mother passed away about 20 years ago.
The 'Problem' is that our sweet old family home is completely falling apart, inside and out. The four of us adult children used to stage emergency intervention meetings with Daddy, trying a little tough love, to convince him that it is way past time to get out, to rent a smaller place. Our Dad deserves so much better, he and our Mom gave us so much. It still hurts to see him so sanguine, so at peace, sitting in that falling-down kind of house.
The Daddy of 1983 would never, never have tolerated, or defended living in such a manner. He is still a wise man, and a deep caring soul, but seems not to notice the condition of his home as it exists today. Oh well. Dad would say, ;Not yet', I have to get the place cleaned up first'. I believe he actually has changed over the years, and now wishes to move out, but it will have to occur on his schedule, not ours. Our approach to this issue has changed since then. Stop fighting him about doing what we four want done, relax and cherish the moments now!
It may have been around four years ago, after the first oily wave of Obamination Fever, we four made a tacit agreement to just stop bringing it up unbidden. We have decided to accept that at this stage in his life, Daddy must make this decision if at all possible.
For a while, I even toyed with the idea of calling the local health /Sanitation Dept. or some organization devoted to Senior Health and Well-being. I was going to report that a most serious injustice is now occuring to a wonderful christian man, and perhaps he should be 'persuaded' by the local authorities to move out. What if he were to return to the house after church one sunday only to find the front door chained and padlocked shut? ''Oh, look what happened!! Wow, now I guess you'll HAVE TO MOVE OUT...right? Then, he would have to, have to move on. I have always been one to overthink a scenario, to become macavaillian (sp). I was quickly talked out of any well meaning sabotage. Might have been too much of a shock, may have been seen as my betrayal. I'm the only one of us four who would even consider something so over the top.
We four have decided to enjoy whatever time we have left with our Dad, without being put on his s%@t list. That man has an elephant's memory. My Dad usd to be an assistant boxing coach at Kronx Boxing near Detroit, and has been a guiding light to hundreds of inner city youth or to their sons. Visiting has become much easier since I come to see and talk to my Dad, not to bloviate, or to stage yet another failed intervention. I will instead offer to put the storm windows up for the oncoming winter. It get's cold this close to Windsor Ontario(Canada). I think one reason Daddy hangs onto that place is because our Mother's loving, laughing spirit is still there, even among the dust and debri.
I wouldn’t want somebody making me leave my home. He doesn’t either.
My mom is 82 and said for years that she wanted to live in her house until she dies or decides to leave. Fine. And now her house is for sale and she has plans to move on. It was her decision to make.
Sounds like an excellent decision made by you and your siblings. Now you can visit him in peace. Who knows, without all the wise words coming from yall about why he should move, etc., he may finally decide he’s ready on his own, but if he doesn’t it’s ok. It’s a hard time in our lives when our parents get old.
At 82 let the man finish out his days as he wishes. Been in the same situation with an elderly parent so I just helped to the extent allowed and enjoyed the time I had with them.
That is his home. Why don’t you try to help him do the things he’s no longer capable of doing himself?
It’s a tough problem that a lot of us face.
How about you and your siblings going together to pay for the basic repairs that would make the house safe for him to live in. At age 82, he probably wants to stay where he is. Unless the neighborhood itself has became a dangerous place, of course.
Experiencing the same thing.
My dad loves his home, even as it decays around him, it holds memories.
I try to think of how I would feel in the same situation.
I would want to stay as long as it didn’t fall on top of me.
Let it be HIS decision and you and your siblings can rest easy.
As long as he’s functional and capable and reasonably comfortable, it’s best to leave it to him. He’ll leave when he’s ready, if ever.
Just keep your eye out for him failing to be able to care for himself, that’s probably the main issue.
my dad is 85 lives alone in his house on the east coast. I live in the heartland. He is still capable and I have no problem with this. What is frustrating is that he refuses to come visit us even when we offer him a door to door escort both ways.( he has no medical issues that would prevent him) Then he complains about being depressed and lonely over the holidays.
I hope my children are patient with me when I’m 85.
Be sure he has a clear way to the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc. so he doesn't trip and God forbid break a hip.
Other than his "surroundings" it sounds like he is happy.
Please just look out for dangers like loose rugs and wires he could stumble over.
taking the pressure off him to move could be the very thing that gives him the ability to make the decision on his own. people naturally resist doing stuff when they really don’t want to yet. he could also die tomorrow totally happy in his home, too. and he’d be happy to have done so.
Been there. Your Dad is an adult. This is his decision - no one elses. The best thing you and your siblings could have done would have been to help with the repairs and maintainance.
Glad to hear that you are going to back off and help.
The ending was good, and absolutely correct. As long as Dad can still feed himself and handle bathroom business by himself, leave him be. I’m getting up there myself and am starting to think about this stuff.
There’s an old old house that once was a mansion
On a hill overlooking the own
Where time’s left a wreckage where once there was beauty
And soon the old house will tumble down
When the leaves start to fall in the autumn
And the rain starts to drip from the trees
There’s an old, old man who walks in the garden
And his head is bowed in memory.
They say he built the mansion for the love of a woman
And they planned to be married in the fall
But her love withered in the last days of summer
And the house stood empty after all.
But when the leaves start to fall in the autumn
And the rain starts to drip from the trees
There’s an old, old man who walks in the garden
And his head is bowed in memory.
(”The Old Old House” by George Jones & Hal Bynum)
“On a hill overlooking the Town”
(sorry for the typo)
lovely
I have seen this a thousand times: when well-meaning adult children remove an elderly parent from his or her beloved home against his will, depression follows, and death is on the horizon. Leave him alone. Let him stay in his house, go to Mass, see the people at his church. How does it harm you if he does so? He’s an adult; let him decide how he wishes to conduct his life. You don’t have the legal or moral right to interfere.
I must add that I’m beyond horrified you would even consider calling the health department as some sort of deception and manipulation to force your father to live the way you want him to live. What has he done to you that you would wish to remove him from the memory of his beloved wife and take from him the home and life he loves? What cruelty!
Why doesn’t this jackass help his Dad fix up the place his Dad earned?
Right you are.
Would seem the Kids could get together and fix it back up enough to keep him safe.
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