Posted on 11/09/2012 4:33:01 AM PST by Lucky9teen
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang.
He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?" she replied.
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
So, for those who seem to think silliness means announcing their spot on the list, does that mean Top 12 = Top 10 this week?
This is silly.
It shows someone who is not thinking exactly right, but might not actually cause harm.
This is not silly, this is dangerous.
Make sure you know the difference.
Thank you for summing that up.
"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."
"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"
“What happened?” asks the friend.
“My wife found out!” replied the man.
This Veterans Day, let's not forget the hundreds of thousands of men who lost their lives in defense of EBT cards, gay sex, and Muslim sympathizers.
Silly enough?
She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.
Someone please send me my unemployment check. I'll get back to you on the free birth control after dark.
Sincerely,
ArGee
P.S. None of that Volt crap. I need a car, not a heater.
The wife and hubby were sitting at a table at a high school reunion, and Wife kept staring at a drunken guy swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
Hubby asked, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘Been celebrating that long, has he?’
And then the fight started...
I tried to talk my new wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
My new wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her, not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
That’s a salt.
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..
Just before we were married, I asked my bride, “Where do you want to go for our honeymoon?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere that would be a once in a lifetime experience!” she said.
I said, “Well, that leaves the kitchen out...”
And then the fight started....
My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “I want you. Make love to me.”
“No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started...
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’, they asked.
‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project’ said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
‘Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.’
‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’
‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I’m ashamed of you Son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!’
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
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