(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

[Lucky9teen]

One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker."



Don't bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party.
He won't show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they're all transparent.

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer dashes to his studio, develops the film and…learns that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.



A vampire joined the police force so he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.

The ghost was lonely because he didn't have a ghoulfriend.

Who do they call when a demon needs a personal trainer? The exercist!

Hall o' wiener: when I decorated my foyer with sausage.

Pumpkin juice + Chardonnay = Hallow'ine?

Impossible to track down: the Wherewolf.

The vampire was known for his awful puns. They called him Count Dreckula.

 The giant sea-lizard was a bit of a practical joker. They called him Goadzilla.

We all know about the rash of unexplained deaths in the village of Sleepy Hollow.
But, as an unfortunate sidebar, to deal with all the corpses was a most incompetent funeral director,
nicknamed the Heedless Hearseman.

Hansel and Gretel must have misread the invitation – they thought they'd been asked to join the witches coven!

Do posh demons go cruising in a coupe devil?

 

Some prefer getting candy on Halloween, but two days later I like to go out and collect shoes. I call it All Soles Day.

The wandering minstrel was excited about trick-or-treating. He said, “I hear there's gonna be lute!”

My house is haunted by the ghosts of a thousand chickens. It's just like that movie, Poultrygeist.

The Irishman was visited by a ghost while making moonshine. "I can't sleep at night," the man said, "it haunts me still. " (Irish accent needed)

Mary Shelley wrote about her good friend Benjamin Franklin's obsession with German beer. She called it ‘Frank and stein'.

Where do zombies 'get down'? In the raveyard. (A good place to get tombstoned?)

You hear about the play they staged in a cemetery? It got grave reviews.

Was the TV newsman haunted by his exact double? Yes, it was a Koppelganger.

Skeletonnes are heavier than they look.

A skeleton's favourite Billy Idol song? ‘Bony Bony…'.

 

Never ask a warlock where he works: it tends to be a ‘sorce' spot.

In Canada the werewolves are obsessed with ‘hockey hairdos'. In fact they can only be killed with a silver mullet.

When demons go to university, they get to take a lot of hellectives.

[ArGee]

The Tater family was sitting down to dinner. Pa Tater first addressed his oldest son, Junior.

“Junior, are you seeing anyone special these days?”

Junior replied, “Yessir, Pa. I’m seeing a lovely russet.”

Pa smiled and said, “That’s a right fine tater, son, a right fine tater.”

Pa then turned his attention to his second son.

“What about you, Joe Bob? You seeing anyone special?”

Joe Bob gave a big grin and said, “Yessir, Pa. I just met the most gorgeous idaho you’ve ever seen.”

Pa nodded his approval and said, “That’s a right fine tater, son. A right fine tater.”

Lastly, Pa addressed his youngest son.

“And how about you, Ernest? You seeing anyone these days?”

Ernest grinned shyly and said, “Well, Pa, I have been going out with Barbara Walters.”

“Barbara Walters??!! You can’t date her son.”

Ernest was taken aback. “Why not, Pa?”

“Because, she’s just a common tater.”

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[llevrok]

Last year, little Johnny went Trick-or-Treating all by himself (he is such a scamp as we know by the many jokes, no one wanted to door bell with him).

He was dressed as a pirate. nd a really great costume. Sadly, his hat was way too big and kept falling over his eyes. Needless to say, he was in a right state by the time he got to my house.

When he rang my door bell, I said- “Oh what a great costume!!! You're a pirate!!! But you are all by yourself, Johnny!! Where's your buccaneers???

“Under my buccan’ hat, Mister. Now give me some #@$%! candy!!”

[ArGee]

I’m not sure, do those things suck or blow?

Water, that is.

[BenLurkin]

A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doc I’m having trouble with my ‘marital relations’.”

Doctor says: “Here’s what I want you to try. Every day, walk ten miles...and call me in a week.”

A week later, the man calls: “Doc, I’ve been doing like you said.”

Doctor: “And how how are your ‘marital relations’?”

Man: “I don’t know. I’m 70 miles form home.”

[Silentgypsy]

According to our quiz, you’d make an ideal cat.
Your runner up costume: Gorilla

[llevrok]

speaking of children and their relationships....

A young 13 year old Kentucky boy rushes through the front door of his family’s cabin, all excited.

“Pa! PA! Guess what!!?? I’m a gittin married

“Oh that’s great son. Who’s the lucky girl?”, asks Pa

“She’s Rachel Bodette, from the road, down yonder. And guess what, Pa? She’s a VIRGIN!!!”, says the boy.

“Wait a minute, boy!!! You aint a marrying that girl. If she aint good enough for her kin, she ain’t good enough for our’n!!!”

[BenLurkin]

http://www.johnspeedie.com/healy/idid.wav

[ArGee]

Now you’ve done it. Here come the Foxworthy jokes.

[unique1]

[Monkey Face]

PING!!!

[Monkey Face]

Country boy goes to his dad to discuss the upcoming marriage the young man is looking forward to.

Son: Dad, Ah don’ know whut to do on muh wedding night.

Dad: (Knowing Son is shy a few bricks) Wal, Son...you jest take the thing you like best and put it whar she pees.

On his wedding night, Son took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.

[TexasCajun]

They hook up a hose to the back of the jetski jet outlet, the jetski sucks water in blows it out the back, and in this case out the hose to the platform.

[ArGee]

So they both suck AND blow?

Well, that makes sense.

[ArGee]

Come to think of it, why should Jeff Foxworthy have all the fun?

I feel a new silliness theme coming on.

Let’s give it a try.

If you try to borrow a $20 from the waiter in order to pay your $16 dinner tab, you might be a democrat politician.

[unique1]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark,”That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to
pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grand-son asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),

“Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

“Here, this is for you. Shove it up your a$$ you grouchy old b!tch! “

Touches the heart doesn’t it?

[ArGee]

If you ask the men you meet about the economy, but the women you meet if they have enough birth control, you might be a democrat politician.

[unique1]

Men - Translations

“I’M GOING FISHING” Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT’S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR...” Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every
car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn’t fall into my
outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
_____

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer.
The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.
The third statistician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “On the average we got it!”

[relictele]