(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

[Lucky9teen]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’



22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Salamander]

LOL

[sockhead]

Two elderly alternative lifestylers were seated at the kitchen table having dinner when one looks at the other and says, “Vera, I’m going to be frank with you tonight.” The other waits a thoughtful moment and then responds, “Okay, but I get to be Frank tomorrow night.”

[Salamander]

I went to buy some camouflage shirts the other day but I couldn’t find any.

[llevrok]

John, a friend of mine was rather “large”, and madly in love with Edith.

They dated for a long while and my buddy wanted to marry her. But she kept refusing saying that she did not want to bury a young husband. He’d have to lose weight and keep it off.

John was terribly depressed about her refusals. “What do I do? What DO I do?”, he kept asking me.

“Well, it’s simple”, I replied. “You can’t have your cake and Edith too.”

[llevrok]

John, a friend of mine was rather “large”, and madly in love with Edith.

They dated for a long while and my buddy wanted to marry her. But she kept refusing saying that she did not want to bury a young husband. He’d have to lose weight and keep it off.

John was terribly depressed about her refusals. “What do I do? What DO I do?”, he kept asking me.

“Well, it’s simple”, I replied. “You can’t have your cake and Edith too.”

[TheOldLady]

Is that where people discard those “bad jeans” the radio commercial is always talking about?

[llevrok]

A snail goes to a Nissan dealership and tells the salesman he wants to buy a Z coupe, fully loaded. Price is not a problem!

The salesman can’t believe this snail. Talk about a “no quibble” sale. “I’ll be glad to sell you a Z like that”, he says. “But,” (pushing his good luck),”is there anything else you want on the Z ?”

“Well now that you bring it up”, says the snail, “I’d like all the Z’s on the car changed to the letter S “.

The salesman’s head is still spinning at the thought of his commission on the sale but says “Sure. No problem. But can I ask why all the Z’s need to be changed to S’s?”

Oh that’s easy, said the snail. When I drive down the street, I want every one to look at me in my fancy car and say (here it comes) : Hey! Look at that escargot !

[Slings and Arrows]

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

...I mean, you’re added.

[fredhead]

You know, Charles and Diana’s marraige was doomed from the start. She was so disappointed on their wedding night. Diana thought that a ruler was always 12 inches long.

[Slings and Arrows]

If a Buddhist visits Las Vegas, is he happy if he leaves with Nothing?

[fredhead]

Many years ago i joined the Navy. The advertising at the time said, “Join the Navy and see the world.”

I didn’t realize exactly what they were saying.

See the world. Three-fourths of the earth is covered in water, and when you’ve seen one sea, you’ve seen them all.

We were told we would see exotic foreign countries. And I did.

Every port the ships went to, they dropped us off in the port area, which is alsway the worst part of town, and told us not to go there.

[fredhead]

Maybe it’s the “Pajama Jeans” pool.....

https://www.pajamajeans.com/

[Salamander]

*gulp!*

I mean...thanks.

[llevrok]

I went my first horse race the other day. Magnificent horses and tons of great looking people to see. One lady seated next to me, especially so.

As a race was nearing, the announcer would announce the horses running in it and any changes, called “scratches”. I liked all the horses’ names. So clever. There was Lucky Gal, Defender, Harass and so forth.

In this one race, the announcer advised “In today’s next race, please scratch Harass”.

Off the horses went in a cloud of dust and that’s when I got slapped

[TheOldLady]

OMGoodness! Who would discard their cotton/spandex/denim jeans? You’d have to be jeanetically inferior.

[pricilla]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot. The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a five dollar bill.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week”.
“My goodness gracious”, said the clerk, “and will you be working on the house again this week too”?
“I will if those worthless b@$t@rd$ at the pi$$ing lumber yard ever send us some f**king wood”, replied the little girl.

[moose07]

That has become such a jeaneric joke these days!

Drainage service van near me….
No1 in a No2 world.

UGH!

:)

[TheOldLady]

Hi, Moose! Nice to see you. I hope that the van does its business and leaves without too much uh... muss and fuss.

[fredhead]

Local septic service has the slogan.....

If it don’t go down, call Brown.

And a local porta-potty company is “Fred Lee’s Elite Seats.” One at home when I was growing up was “Roger’s Rent-a-John.”

[moose07]

LOL,
Just to add insult to injury...the vans are panted Florescent orange!

“Roger's,rent an john...’snort’.
Elite seats...must be flush with success with a name like that!