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Email received from a Jewish friend this a.m.

Jewish Humor

Those fabulous Jewish comedians that you may remember. The old Jewish Catskill comics of vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny Kaye,
Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,
Lenny Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,
Peter Sellers,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George Jessel,
Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. “ Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,
“Mom, how are you?”
“ Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,
“What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
“The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually,the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.

From Classic Television Showbiz interview with Shecky Greene:

Kliph Nesteroff: I didn't ask you about the famous story last time, but I must get you to tell it to in your own words because many accounts of it exist - all from the mouths of other people. But what do you remember about that famous time you crashed your car into the Caesar's Palace fountain - and do you remember anything about the lead-up to that famous moment?

Shecky Greene: Yes. I was completely drunk. I had finished work. I was completely insane. I forget what time it was in the morning. The gave me my car. They always gave me my car when I was drunk because they loved to see what was going to happen.

Kliph Nesteroff: (laughs)

Shecky Greene: I mean that couldn't possibly happen today. You couldn't drive down The Strip like that, but I was driving about one hundred miles an hour. I hit a post. They had just put in breakaway posts the week before. If that other type of post was there I would have been dead. The post broke in two, went across my car, I lost control, swerved across the street, hit two signs and went right into the fountains. And that's a true story. And when the cops came I said, "No spray wax."