Woohoo!! It’s Friday!!!!
In !!!
Top 10?
TOP TEN!!!
SO, HERE'S A MESSAGE FROM THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA: Mr. Obama, you're not in a hut in Kenya or Indonesia, or in Chicago public housing. You're in the White House, Barry, property of the people of the United States. With all due respect, get your @#%* feet off our furniture..!
In honor of Presidents Day here in the United States, I offer up America's Most Wanted Painting. This painting was scientifically assembled in 1994 after asking 1,001 American adults what they most enjoy in a painting. The color blue, realistic landscapes, historical figures, wildlife, and happy families scored very high. Hey, you can't argue with poll numbers.
Let the silliness begin!!
HOW TO START A FIGHT...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmasgift...
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started
DRAGGING A DEER...
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.
CALL THE POLICE...
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
Up To bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden
Shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
Door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
Stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
Stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said “ Al l patrols are busy. You should lock
Your doors and an officer will be along when one is available..”
George said, “Okay.”
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
Stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don’t have to worry about them
Now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right
Now” and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence,
And caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
SPEEDING TICKET...
Getting out of a Ticket
A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
THINGS SOUTHERN BOYS DON’T SAY...
31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.
30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won’t fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken
26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
25. You can’t feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We’re vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
4. I don’t have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!
One more......
Sex and Good grammar.....
Sex And Good Grammar
On his birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.The old Indian handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
“How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join
him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, my friends, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition , because we
could end up with a dangling participle .
OK - how’d you cut and paste from Snopes? ... surely, you didn’t type that whole thing!
WHEN YOU GET OLDER...
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run—anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask,”did I wake you?”
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
http://bit.ly/d282V0
"Well," his father said, "your mother and I decided to give our children names that would remind us of the night they were conceived.
"On the night your brother was conceived, it was stormy, the sky filled with lightning and thunder. On a bluff, we saw a wolf howling in the rain. So we named your brother 'Wolf-Who-Sings-With-the-Thunder.'
"When your sister was conceived, we were camped beside a quiet lake, watching the moon. So we named her 'Full-Moon-Shining-on-Still Water.'"
"Oh," said the boy. "Hope I didn't bother you with all my questions."
"Not at all," replied his father, "That's how you learn, Large-Defective-Condom-Made-in-China."
