Posted on 07/20/2011 9:58:33 AM PDT by Jewbacca
The year is 2012 and the United States has just elected Eric Cantor (R) as the first Jewish president of the United States. Eric calls up his mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'
Oh Mom, replies Eric, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'
'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2012, Eric Cantor is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
'You see that man over there with his hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?'
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Mom says proudly, 'His brother is a doctor.'
The phone rings at KGB headquarters, sometime in the 1960’s
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this KGB?”
“Da.”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel’s tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.
Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel’s house.
“Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?”
“They just left.”
“Did they chop up your firewood?”
“They certainly did.”
“Good. Now it’s your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing.”
God (to Noah): “How long can you tread water?”
I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!
A priest and a rabbi are on the golf course playing their monthly game as they have done for several years. The priest looks around to make sure nobody else is around and then asks, “Rabbi, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
The rabbi replies, “Sure, father. We’ve been friends for years; ask me anything.”
“Okay,” says the priest, “I was just curious, have you ever eaten pork?”
“I did once,” says the rabbi. “Now, fair is fair. I get to ask you a personal question, Father.”
“Fair enough, what do you want to know?” says the priest.
The rabbi asks, “Have you ever had sex?”
“Yeah, a few times,” says the priest. “It was before I entered the priesthood.”
The rabbi smiles and says, “It’s a lot better than pork, isn’t it?”
LOL
A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question “When does life begin?”
The priest says: “The moment of conception”.
The vicar replies: “The moment of birth”.
The rabbi replies: “The moment the kids are married and the mortgage has been paid off.”
Q: According to Jewish law, when does a fetus become a human being?
A: When it graduates from medical school.
Jewish Joke ping!
LOL. I like that one.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Oh, don’t trouble yourself over it, sweetie. I’ll just sit here in the dark...”
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That actually happened with my (goy) mother.
chuckle.
Warning!! If you laugh at this, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Rev. Wright will be coming to kick yo ass!
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Bring it on, that was funny.
Oh wow, that was me. Except it was 3rd grade. After getting kicked out of 3 schools in 3 months, my parents sent me to Catholic school and told me it was reform school.
Good Clean Humor, thanks!
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