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Based on Huge Porn Stash Recovered, CIA Believes UBL Acted Alone
The Borowitz Report ^
| May 13, 2011
| Andy Borowitz
Posted on 05/14/2011 12:39:09 PM PDT by Attention Surplus Disorder
Based on Huge Porn Stash Recovered, CIA Believes Bin Laden Acted Alone
Filth Disrupted Terror Plots, Spy Agency Says
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) After seizing an enormous cache of porn from his compound in Pakistan, the CIA said today that it now has a new theory about fallen al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.
Its clear that Osama bin Laden acted alone, said CIA director Leon Panetta. And he spent most of his waking hours doing just that.
Mr. Panetta siad there were still many unanswered questions about Mr. Bin Ladens porn stash, like how he kept it hidden with three wives in the house.
As the CIA spent most of the week removing bin Ladens porn stash, which weighed over nine metric tons, intelligence analysts said they would have to spend many, many days analyzing the trove to determine its true value.
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, calls faded for the release of pictures of bin Laden, but there was increased pressure for the release of his extensive porn collection.
I think we all have a right to have access to these materials, said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). Im just sorry that John Ensign isnt around for this.
As the revelations regarding bin Ladens unquenchable porn appetite came to light, intelligence experts said that porn may have been Americas single most powerful weapon in disrupting terror plots.
Theres no doubt about it, CIA director Panetta said. Porn has kept America safe.
Experts said that this new assessment could result in a Congressional Medal of Honor for Jenna Jameson, who today was named Ambassador to Pakistan.
TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Hobbies; Humor
KEYWORDS: porn; satire; ubl
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To: Attention Surplus Disorder
Satire strikes again- had ME going!
2
posted on
05/14/2011 12:41:14 PM PDT
by
JimRed
(Excising a cancer before it kills us waters the Tree of Liberty! TERM LIMITS, NOW AND FOREVER!)
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
The people in charge of our government are disturbing.
3
posted on
05/14/2011 12:41:28 PM PDT
by
dljordan
("The Land of the Fee and the Home of the Slave")
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
4
posted on
05/14/2011 12:42:24 PM PDT
by
SERKIT
("Blazing Saddles" explains it all......)
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
5
posted on
05/14/2011 12:42:43 PM PDT
by
GOP Poet
(Obama is an OLYMPIC failure.)
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
And he spent most of his waking hours doing just that.He spelled 'wanking' wrong.
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
7
posted on
05/14/2011 12:43:36 PM PDT
by
bigheadfred
(Beat me, Bite me...Make Me Write Bad Checks)
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
Its clear that Osama bin Laden acted alone, said CIA director Leon Panetta. And he spent most of his waking hours doing just that."Wait...what?"
8
posted on
05/14/2011 12:44:13 PM PDT
by
COBOL2Java
(Obama is the least qualified guy in whatever room he walks into.)
To: JimRed
I hear his vision wasn’t so good anymore.
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
Oh...THAT kind of pornography. The really disturbing stuff was the video of him watching Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) on CSPAN. Now THAT was sick!
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
So the terror master didn't expand his base of operations but was only into solo masterbasing.
Even with three wives.
Those girls had to be bored.
So why the heck didn't the lazy wenches do a little housework?
SEALS are used to cleanliness and orderliness—you have to be ready for any and all kinds of unwanted and uninvited company.
Indiana housewives have to put up with it now.
11
posted on
05/14/2011 12:49:48 PM PDT
by
Happy Rain
("In 2012,the race card is going to make folks say one thing and vote another.")
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
Had to shave his palms before he got the heave ho.
12
posted on
05/14/2011 12:54:05 PM PDT
by
albie
To: kittymyrib
Think he had a Helen Thomas wall poster?
Oh no,I hope the FR HT stiffy slayers don't post her images now!
13
posted on
05/14/2011 12:54:42 PM PDT
by
Happy Rain
("In 2012,the race card is going to make folks say one thing and vote another.")
DONATE
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
As the CIA spent most of the week removing bin Ladens porn stash, which weighed over nine metric tons Larry Flynt would be envious.
15
posted on
05/14/2011 1:08:45 PM PDT
by
Dixie Yooper
(Ephesians 6:11)
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
The muzzies have a long history with these sorts of things:
A recent reexamination of history in the Middle East by a group of scholars seems to bear out Barack Obamas comments concerning Muslim contributions to science and technology.
It is now known that in 1872, using a goat’s lower intestine, Muslims invented the condom.
In 1873 the British refined the concept by FIRST taking the intestine OUT of the goat.
16
posted on
05/14/2011 1:27:18 PM PDT
by
Dick Bachert
(2012 CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH FOR ME. HOW ABOUT YOU?)
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
Jenna Jameson, who today was named Ambassador to Pakistan.NEVER guilty?
17
posted on
05/14/2011 1:31:22 PM PDT
by
Libloather
(The epitome of civility.)
To: Attention Surplus Disorder
Top 10 porn titles in osamas collection
jihard
camel toes
halal hotties
islambad girls
goatback mountain
sleeping with the yememi
facial profiling
sinfidels
deep goat
debbie does dubai
18
posted on
05/14/2011 2:09:35 PM PDT
by
edzo4
(You call us the 'Party Of No', I call us the resistance.)
To: kittymyrib
watching AIR CLAIRE oh my now that is nasty porn. even in Missouri it is not the show me porn.
19
posted on
05/14/2011 2:25:39 PM PDT
by
ncfool
(The new USSA - United Socialist States of AmeriKa. Welcome to Obummers world or Obamaville USSA.)
To: JimRed
Three or four wives and he chokes the chicken.
20
posted on
05/14/2011 2:30:57 PM PDT
by
Big Horn
(Rebuild the GOP to a conservative party)
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