Posted on 04/08/2011 5:59:12 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Anyway, here’s what to expect from a government shutdown:
* All legislators will now have to find real jobs, but there are few places that consider voting yes and no on lots of stuff as qualifying experience — and certainly they won’t be $200,000 a year for that.
* If you were dependent on any sort of welfare from the federal government, you’re probably gonna die. Sorry!
* With no federal government, there won’t be any enforced rules of engagement for troops overseas. In fact, you guys are just basically wandering ronin now. So if you see someone you think needs a killin’, just go ahead and shoot him.
* Obama will end up on the side of the road with a sign saying, “Will make impotent proclamations for food.”
* Federal prisons will shut down and all the prisoners will escape. They’ll probably have an easier time finding gainful employment than the legislators.
* U.S. currency will no longer be supported, so you’ll need to get your money in something that will last the government shutdown such as Facebook credits.
* Without the federal government, each state will now become an independent country. If your state wants to invade Kentucky and steal all its gold, you better be quick about it because I bet a lot of other states have the same idea.
* Without a big federal government to push everyone around, liberals won’t know what to do with themselves and will all die off during the winter. Too bad winter is about over so it will be a while until that happens.
* There will be no federal enforcement of borders, so it will be up to the states now without any outside interference. That means you can finally build that fence to keep Californians out.
* The U.S. Postal service will shutdown, which means you’ll only be able to use Netflix instant streaming as they’ll no longer be able to get you DVDs. If the post office shutting down affects you in any other way, then come on; get with this century, people.
* You know that guy who always yells at you when you try to climb the statue of Abraham Lincoln, well he ain’t gonna be there no more so no one is going to stop me!
Some people will then plot on how to get the federal government running again, but I think that’s pretty wrong-headed. Eventually, we should adjust just fine to no federal government and probably be better off in the long run. A federal government seemed like an interesting idea, but it was just unworkable. Well, let’s just dust off those Articles of Confederation and give those a try again.
So who has a truck and can help me steal a T-Rex from the Smithsonian?
Why let bickering politicians be the only ones to control the government? You’ve got gripes, too! Now you can get your own Government Shutdown Switch and issue your own threats. The Government Shutdown Switch connects easily to the Washington power grid online from anywhere, and controls the entire Federal government – including Congress, the Senate, the White House, and all Federal agencies. Simply throw the switch until you hear a click, and all government activity will come to an immediate stop. That includes all Federal funding – even previously unstoppable entitlement programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, as well as all military spending. You’ll have the government right where you want it! Congress, the Senate and the President will do anything to see that your demands are met – like better mail service, more Federal holidays, lower taxes, and straightening out that property dispute with your screwy neighbor – just to get the government running again. You’ll have the upper hand – because you’ll still have your Government Shutdown Switch, and can pull the same stunt over and over!
Government Shutdown Switch, $199.95
Oh my goodness. What an idiot. just. wow.
Woah...those are awful looking.
Well, Sh*t... I forgot the words....
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer: ‘OK.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’
If there's a government shutdown...the rise of the machines begins!
The pilot came back and said, "People, there are four of us but only three parachutes. I have to take one because I'm needed by the airline company. You three can figure out who gets the last two 'chutes." And with that he took a parachute and jumped out.
The smartest man in the world said, "The world needs me!" He grabbed a 'chute and jumped out.
"Son," the priest said to the boy scout, "You take the last parachute. I'm old and I've lived my life. I'm ready to meet my maker."
"Oh, its alright Father," the boy scout replied. "The smartest man in the world took my knapsack."
|=)
Subject: FW: What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”
Sounds like this one.....
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican and a Texan on a plane. Three parachutes.
Englishman grabs a chute, yells “God save the Queen” and jumps out.
Frenchman grabs a chute, shouts “Vive le France” and jumps out.
Texan puts on a chute, drags the Mexican to the door, yells “Remember the Alamo” and kicks the Mexican out.
And remember the scene in one of the Hot Shots movies where they are jumping out of the plane, everyone yelling “Geronimo!” then an Indian steps to the door of the plane and yells, “MEEEEEEEE!!!”
I’ve seen some bad rotors in my mechanic days, but that is the worst I’ve ever seen. Actually, we had one truck that had brakes so worn, the rivets cut the drum into two pieces.
A cowboy, an indian, and a muslim are sitting in a tiny podunk airstrip terminal. Tumbleweeds are rolling by in the hot wind.
To break the awkward silence, the indian says, “My people were once many, but now they are few.”
The muslim says with a contemptuous smirk, “My people were once few, and now they are many. Why do you think that is?”
The cowboy tilts up the brim of his hat, spits, and says, “Well, I reckon thats ‘cause we aint’ played cowboys and muslims yet.”
Muslims move in and tell the pig farmer to sell his pigs or move out!
Katy, Tx – Pig races every Friday evening next to the mosque
http://youtu.be/QM78oLcAf5Q
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Ha-ha!! Love me some Maxine!
Top 60! Woo-hoo!
Excellent graphic, except that the math is off by a factor of 10. 38 billion is actually 1% of 3.83 trillion— not .086%. MUCH larger portion of that $100 bill.
Still, his point is still valid.
All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:
** Lord’s prayer:..........................................................66 words.
** Archimedes’ Principle: .............................................67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ...............................................179 words.
** Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words.
** Declaration of Independence : .............................1,300 words.
** US Constitution with 27 Amendments : ................ 7,818 words.
** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
________
Truths For Mature Adults:
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment, when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection......again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.
16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front - - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
22. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it , “ he tells his wife , “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad , once I’ve hit the ball , I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says , “Why don’t you take my brother with you , and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good , “ sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three , “ says the wife , “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up , takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law , “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did , “ says the brother-in-law , “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don’t remember.”
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