Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
White Cat would tear your arms off and then eat the pancakes, followed by eating the arms. My greyhound is terrified of him.
Deutschmacher Hot Dogs are the best hot dogs out there but they come in these plastic casings that is a pain to peel off. It would be pretty neat to have a device in which I could insert my wieners and have them come out peeled at the other end.
I don’t know why anyone needs more than three cats or two dogs. The animals deserve to have quality time with the owners.
*erk*
I got it, thanks, and signed up for it. :o]
That reminds me of a joke.
In a motel room, a traveler found a vending machine with a label, "Your Wife Away From Home". There were no instructions, but it had an orifice, so ...
.
.
And that's how he ended up with a button sewed on something that didn't really need it.
Funny, Bob!
Thanks!
I might watch more today. Woke up completely without energy, so I’m staying home today.
Boy! Do I ever know THAT feeling! I opted to stay home today because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and I have to try and keep the stress levels at a minimum.
I hope you feel better, soon!
Just on accounta-because, I made some lasagne today. I have an easy recipe for it (you don’t cook the noodles ahead of time) and made it easier by mixing some ingredients in plastic storage bags. Since it hurts so much to stand and do dishes, I’ve just eliminated several of the items to be washed, and cut down the time I’ll be on my feet. YAY, me! :o])
/run
Thanks. I will — rest is what’s needed.
:o]
It’s great that you got your work back!
Thats is REALLY great news!!
Today i ask for Prayer for my Lab Tasha.she is 11. I started a thread last night. She would not lie down at all, she tried but would not. She finally did at 6am. I called the vet and will drive her in tomorrow morning. She is now resting.
Possibly you slept with your mouth open, causing the courtesy light to stay on.
You shouldn't do that. It may keep someone else awake.
But if I close my mouth, does it really turn off? (I’m so bright, you know. *\;^)
Yes, it is great news! I was dreading the possibility of have to input the data for a 3rd, 4th and 5th time, depending on the documents.
This is quite a relief!
It is! Maybe my hair will start to grow back, now... ;o]
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