Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
PS: Do you want the reading material back when I’ve finished with them? I can send them all together with “South Africa.”
Finally got around to my digital camera, pictures going back to Las Vegas and St. George. And other things. Finally spurred me on to update the banner and photos on the website — the old ones still showed folks who’d left us a while back.
Got any 2’s?
Great news!! The data on the old hard drive has been transferred to the external hard drive, and this drive has been cleaned up. I got a call this evening saying the genealogy and the journals were intact, and had been copied.
He says he may even be able to reformat the old hard drive, once he gets into it to see what’s going on. It doesn’t matter if he can’t because I now have the data I need. I am so relieved!!!
God is Good!
Just finished a WWII-era documentary on the Memphis Belle (linked from this site) -- seems she had some fame even before the film. With a visit from the King & Queen, even!
Could you FReepmail that URL to me?
I want to check it out, but I just logged on to let everyone know the data I worked so hard on has been saved!
Now I’m REALLY going to bed!!
Ta!
Good night.
I’ll take them back if you don’t have a further recipient, and “History of South Africa” as well. If you know of someone else who is interested, pass on.
Exxxcellent news, 'Face!
Now I don't have to send you a computer.
OMG
LOL!
You’re so good at sending things, Bob...especially reading material. ;o]
The “pass on” idea is a good one, as there are a lot of people here who not only need books, but need books that uplift them spiritually. Some folks here are depressed and don’t know it. I’m luckier than most in that I recognize the symptoms. So thanks!
What exciting news!
You’re welcome! Enjoy the cookies, too. We had some last night, along with some local wine. It was a rough evening: Frank didn’t take his nap while we were at the Home and Garden Show, so he was exhausted and furious when we got home, and absolutely didn’t want to go to bed, even if he’d fallen asleep. He’s feeling fine this morning ... but if he wants to nap before we leave for Mass, I’ll leave Tom home with him and take Tom to church at 5:00.
Grandparents?! How wonderful! I’ll keep your daughter in my prayers, that she will have a safe and healthy pregnancy.
*hug*
My cookie jar is full for the first time in months!! (Last time, it was filled with Oreos.)
Also, my chocolate stash was dwindling, but has now stabilized, thank you!!
So much goodness in two packages...awesome! Thanks again!
THAT is a clever idea, if one has multiple cats. In Clark County you can only have three cats and two dogs, legally
Most of those look like “teenagers.” Maybe the one on the bottom is the momcat.
I think multiple cats would fight over the top spot.
I can’t see reasonably caring for more than three cats and two dogs, unless one was a breeder or boarding facility.
I think multiple cats would fight over the top spot.
I can’t see reasonably caring for more than three cats and two dogs, unless one was a breeder or boarding facility.
Does White-Cat wear a pancake hat?
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