Cinema Ping
make sure you see Evening Star's clever post HERE
Posted on 09/27/2010 11:45:39 AM PDT by Responsibility2nd
Stuart was a leading lady in 1930s films, then gave up acting and turned to art. Her role in 'Titanic' earned her an Academy Award nomination.
Gloria Stuart, a 1930s Hollywood leading lady who earned an Academy Award nomination for her first significant role in nearly 60 years — as Old Rose, the centenarian survivor of the Titanic in James Cameron's 1997 Oscar-winning film — has died. She was 100.
Stuart, a founding member of the Screen Actors Guild who later became an accomplished painter and fine printer, died Sunday night at her West Los Angeles home, said her daughter, writer Sylvia Thompson.
(Excerpt) Read more at latimes.com ...
She used Oil of Olay every day since it came out and got me started at age 15. Though I have sun damage, I still don't look my age and honestly thank my grandma for that.
ping
From early 1998
TITANIC
(Scene 1)
ROSE: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it?
CAL: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named Picasso. I am certain he will amount to nothing.
ROSE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
JACK: Hello, I’m played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many girls who worship me. You are very pretty.
ROSE: Thank you. So are you.
JACK: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my “brooding” face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
ROSE: While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying. I’ll try to stay attractive by getting my dress wet. Meanwhile, for no apparent reason, I’ll count the lifeboats.
CAL: Excuse me. I do not like you, even though you saved my fiancee’s life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo!
(Scene 2)
JACK: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
ROSE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
JACK: I agree. First, I would like to draw you.
ROSE: Can I take my clothes off now?
JAMES CAMERON: Yes.
ROSE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
JAMES CAMERON: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
ROSE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can’t be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Boo! Where’s Leonardo?
JACK: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
ROSE: That is terrible
JACK: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
ROSE: Certainly. Let’s steam up some windows.
CAL: (aside) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here. To cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff Jack to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
JACK: Why don’t you just shoot me?
CAL: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Rose from me. Of course, you’re going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us!
JACK: He’s right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed.
CAL: I hate you people.
(Scene 4)
JACK: We’re not going to die. At least you’re not.
ROSE: This water is very cold.
JACK: *glugglugglug*
ROSE: He’s gone. I’ll just freeze my lips to this whistle.
(Scene 5)
150 YEAR OLD ROSE: And that’s when Jack rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now, and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don’t you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I’d turn you over my knee, if I had one. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits, accompanied by that annoying Celine Dion song and the sound of James Cameron counting a huge pile of cash.)
HOLY COW.. that is very clever!
did you write it?
Obama looks totally gay in this picture and Aunt Esther looks hungry.
Thanks for screwing up such a nice thread.
No. Of course not. I’m not that clever or creative. I have no idea who wrote it. I got it via email 12 years ago.
well in my book you get a double star for saving it & finding it after 12 years!
good grief I cant find things in email or various documents from a few weeks ago!
thanks
Lol...some time during the Titanic heyday I posted a very similar (but enormously less clever or funny) spoof on-line. Granted I was 13 at the time and not anywhere near as funny as I thought I was. (Hope I don’t make anyone feel old by saying that). And I don’t even remember the web address...it’s long lost in the dark forgotten realms of cyberspace.
(Very sad about Mrs. Stuart’s passing...I wasn’t familiar with her work at all outside of Titanic, but she seems to have led a full life).
I’ve posted this many times in the past. It’s frequently greeted by Titanic fans with stony indifference - as though I was defecating into the Holy Grail.
Many people view Titanic as a documentary with fictional subplots - and not just a documentary, but a comprehensive documentary. In fact, these people view most “fact-based” movies the same way.
You didn’t make me “feel” old.
I AM OLD!
LOL
I hate to agree, but her hands frighten me. My mother is 90, and her hands look NOTHING like that!
I love historical fiction movies & this is one. I really liked Titanic.. and liked in the same way Pearl Harbor and many other movies.
The human side of possibilities added to historical facts.
If we wanted just true facts we can watch the news or read history books.
You are, of course, right. Movies are entertainment. Movies are for enjoyment. But people still need to separate entertainment from reality - and sometimes they don’t.
That’s what I like about you and Borges. You both can admire the art of cinema by seeing the medium for what it is - art in a high form - to be appreciated and enjoyed as timeless and lasting art.
Titanic was almost an avante garde film. A film made with cutting edge technology trying to recreate an Edwardian melodrama with the broad dramatic strokes that may have been in a film made in the year it was set.
Hmmmph! Never an iceberg around when you need one.
Interesting ES that after I go to ANY historical drama/flick I do research, get books & read about the event/people.. QE2 and 1, Superman(George Reeves), Tin Goose, Ghandi, “get low”, Last King of Scotland, Bravehart, on & on.
The flicks tickle my interest. Do I care if they have taken artistic liberty? HECK NO.
yes, very true
as a fan of special effects & admirer of editing, this was a great one for the year
Marking this for later...
Oh good lord I did not catch the Granddaughter thing. My mom and I have watched this movie 100 times and we did not figure that out. LOL
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