Posted on 08/02/2010 12:42:42 AM PDT by Slings and Arrows
Did you try watching a game of the World Cup? Did you originally just think soccer was boring, but after five minutes of watching want to murder everyone involved with the game? That’s because of the vuvuzela, perhaps the most awful object in existence. I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about those noisemakers (though I forbade them to blow into one) and here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE VUVUZELA
* The vuvuzela was made in a collaboration of Hitler and Satan. They have sense profusely apologized.
* The vuvuzela was created in South Africa after apartheid ended and the country needed something just as awful to take its place.
* The vuvuzela is the only noisemaker known to cause deaf people watching a sport at home to hit the mute button.
* The vuvuzela really took off in 2001 when Masincedane Sport started mass marketing a plastic version of it, an act that was called “unconscionable” by people who sell tainted crack to schoolchildren.
* The object of vuvuzela blowing during a soccer match is to blow it continuously throughout the game without stopping to express your complete hatred for the world and all living things.
* The sound of the vuvuzela has been described as “a stampede of noisy elephants”, “a deafening swarm of locusts”, “a goat on the way to slaughter”, and “complete contempt for both God and man”.
* If surrounded by people blowing the vuvuzela, you’d think the smart thing to do would be to jab out your eardrums with a pen, but the horrible sound would still be stuck in your brain. Yes, the only escape is sweet, sweet death.
* The sound of the vuvuzela can be mistaken for a mating call by giant mutant bees.
* The vuvuzela causes both hearing loss and the desire for hearing loss.
* Many believe the vuvuzela to be the worst object in existence, even worse than clamshell packaging. In fact, if vuvuzela came in clamshell packaging, thus making it nigh impossible for a purchaser to get one out and blow into it, clamshell packaging would singlehandedly redeem itself.
* In a fight between a vuvuzela and Aquaman, Aquaman would accidentally swim to crush depths and die to escape the annoying sound.
* The only way to stop a vuvuzela is to stop people from blowing in it, and the only way to stop people from blowing in it is to make sure there is no air. Thus the vuvuzela has inspired a campaign to destroy all plant life.
* In response to the outcry, people have said that the vuvuzela is part of South African culture… as apparently so is sociopathy.
The weekend Spain played Holland for the title, my wife and I were in Madison, Wis. for a big arts festival. As we were walking up State Street towards the capital, we noticed people gathered around outdoors tables of restaurants to watch the game. As we were walking back down State Street when we finished with the festivities, we noticed the match was over and some happy Spanish fans were walking alongside. Some of them had the vuvus and were blowing them. I’m telling you a person has to be next to one of those horns from hell to realize how loud they are. They are VERY, VERY, LOUD!!!!
WHAT?!!
That noise makes the Hounds of Hell sound like puppies, and after about 30 seconds of listening to it, I hoped they would drag me away so I never had to hear it again.
I have a Mach 5 mute-button finger that auto-triggers if I accidentally encounter that noxious sound.
How can one little horn that is so reviled by so many be inflicted upon them by so many more?
As a Rush Parody says, we have to ban soccer.
I’m waiting for the boxed set.
I wonder if there’s any Zamfir cover tunes on that disc.
As I am not a soccer fan, I had to go “looking” out on the ‘net to find a sample of vuvuzela sound. I’m not sure what people are complaining about; it sounds like a lower pitch version of my tinnitus.
Oh, crap.
~Now~ you tell me there’s a box set coming out.
I already bought the MP3s in the iTunes store.
As wideawake noted, the vuvuzela is the ancient, traditional, injection-molded polystyrene horn of the Zulu people.
When the drumming stops, it’s time for the vuvuzela solo...
Tradition!
Have they released it on iTunes yet?
And of course, no thread is complete without the obligatory Hitler “Downfall” Parody.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-Ln_rqPpPk&feature=related
Poor Hitler.
martin,
I wish we could send the owners of this dog a copy of that CD,
I’m sure they would have *piles* of fun with it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gqv4Vviod0c
Dog wins!
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