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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Have you already heard that one? Then, do YOU have one to share?
Barak 0bama
Here’s another one:
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘Hello? ‘
‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?’
The child whispered, ‘ No...’
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mommy there?’ ‘Yes’
‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No…’
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’
‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman…’
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’
‘No, he’s busy, ‘ whispered the child.
‘Busy doing what?’
‘Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,’ came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’
‘A helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice…
‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
‘The search team just landed a helicopter’
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....
‘ME…’
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BP needs to put a wedding ring over the leaking pipe in the Gulf. Once that is accomplished, the pipe will stop putting out...
Just remember, it always gets darkest................. just before the lights go totally out.
And, yes, that light at the end of the tunnel is in fact a train....
Ranger randy comes back from Everglades Park after a long day of being armed and rangerous.
He walks into the kitchen and knows Rangerette Jeanette has made chocolate chip cookies. No cookies are in sight, no cookie odor, no cookie mix box in sight.
How does he know she made chocolate chip cookies?
Answer: He saw all the empty M&M shells on the counter.
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Maine?
If it was invented anywhere else, they would have called it the teethbrush.
......
We just usually ride the horse into town to the Cheyenne Social Club!
Sorry...
Harry Reid walks into a bar with a duck under his arm. “What are you doing with that pig?” asks the bartender. “This is a *duck*,” responds Harry Reid. “I know,” says the bartender, “I was talking to the duck.”
New Zen:
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
Sorry I'm not linking it. I don't have my handy dandy HTML crib sheet with me.
How can we make Alvin Greene as qualified for public office as Barack Obama?
Have Barack Obama serve in the military.
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
“Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can
succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
Not a joke, but these should make you smile:
http://mashable. com/2010/ 07/14/improv- everywhere- star-wars/
http://mashable. com/2010/ 05/18/ghostbuste rs-improv- everywhere/