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Interesting ways to look at the world
7-7-10 | edcoil

Posted on 07/07/2010 3:58:43 PM PDT by edcoil

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

His mind sees things differently than most of us do.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


TOPICS: Science
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 07/07/2010 3:58:45 PM PDT by edcoil
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To: edcoil

2 posted on 07/07/2010 4:00:49 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: edcoil

“You can’t have everything ... where would you put it?”


3 posted on 07/07/2010 4:02:02 PM PDT by PDMiller
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To: edcoil; All

One of my favorites by him:

“I used to work in a factory making fire hydrants......you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”


4 posted on 07/07/2010 4:02:08 PM PDT by Red in Blue PA (Anti-Gunners suffer from Factose Intolerance)
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To: edcoil
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?


5 posted on 07/07/2010 4:04:29 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet - Visualize)
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To: edcoil

He’s a scientist?

I think 0bama is going for #25.


6 posted on 07/07/2010 4:11:42 PM PDT by smokingfrog ( - Eccl. 10:18 -)
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To: edcoil

Start slow, back off.


7 posted on 07/07/2010 4:22:24 PM PDT by pappyone (New to Freep, still working a tag line.)
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To: PDMiller

If there was a land of milk and honey, where would we sit?


8 posted on 07/07/2010 4:23:59 PM PDT by Ronin
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To: edcoil

‘I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.’


9 posted on 07/07/2010 4:29:40 PM PDT by woprdaddy
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To: edcoil

Pretty good!!


10 posted on 07/07/2010 4:42:59 PM PDT by valkyry1
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To: smokingfrog
He’s a scientist?

Those are his quotes?

11 posted on 07/07/2010 4:52:37 PM PDT by Gondring (Paul Revere would have been flamed as a naysayer troll and told to go back to Boston.)
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To: valkyry1

Comedian? Yes.

Scientist? No.

Funny stuff though.


12 posted on 07/07/2010 4:53:32 PM PDT by NotThere
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To: edcoil

i have been a fan of his for years. i love his “logic” and his delivery. thanks for the post.


13 posted on 07/07/2010 5:10:45 PM PDT by madamemayhem (defeat isn't getting knocked down, it's not getting back up)
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To: edcoil

I got home drunk one night. I stuck my car key in the door of my building. It turned. So I started it up. I drove it around the block. A cop pulled me over. He said, “Where do you live”? I said, “Here.”

I have this great seashell collection. It’s everywhere.

I can’t call everyone I want, my phone has no five on it.


14 posted on 07/07/2010 7:19:09 PM PDT by sig226 (Bring back Jimmy Carter!!!)
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