How to differentiate a Southerner from a Liberal or a Conservative!(humor)

December 10, 2009 | Stayfree

[Stayfree]

Liberal vs. Conservative vs. Southerner

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

[spaced]

rofl

[atomicweeder]

I've heard that before but the final line was:

Southerner:"Nice shooting, Betty Lou. Your grouping is almost as good as mine. Your Mom's looks pretty good too."

[CIDKauf]

Colorado Farmer....BOOM...BOOM (double barrel)

[smokingfrog]

Me...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

I’m from Texas. I’ve got the .40 with the high cap magazine.

[southernerwithanattitude]

I like that one!

[TennesseeGirl]

Barrett Rifles: Headquartered in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, Barrett Firearms Manufacturing is the world’s leader in large-caliber rifle design and manufacturing. Well-known for .50 caliber rifles, the company now produces rifles in .416 Barrett and 6.8 SPC calibers and is a growing innovator in the design and production of optics for long-range shooters.

[Apercu]

More than 3 is a waste of ammo on a scumbag.
2 to center mass & 1 to the forehead is sufficient.

[Mr. Lucky]

There was a thread earlier today about an unarmed former Marine who was confronted by a knife weilding assailant in New Orleans. He took the knife away from him and bashed his skull open on the concrete curb.

[Cletus.D.Yokel]

Cletus?

Why...BOOM [mechanical slide]
BOOM [mechanical slide]
BOOM [mechanical slide]

Dang! Ah still gots that waterfowl plug in!

[Brookhaven]

Speaking of southern stories...

A few weeks ago a friend was driving home in suburban Atlanta (nor rural, but the suburbs) and hit a deer (badly damaged his car, but nobody hurt.) He got out and saw the deer was still moving, but hurt so bad it wasn’t going to make it.

A car stops and the guy rolls down his window and asks if they need any help. They say no, but they feel bad about the deer suffering. The guy in the car says “Y’all stand back”, pulls out a rifle, and shoots the deer dead (never leaving the driver’s seat of his car), says “Y’all have a good one”, and drives off.

They processed the deer.

[Gay State Conservative]

I've heard a similar joke where the “Southerner” is a “Texan”.

[goseminoles]

And the victim goes to jail because the perp was black?

[mozarky2]

The Springfield Armory XD-M, perhaps? I’m buying one in the morning...

[smokingfrog]

You will like it.

[Tainan]

Yes. The Mozambique drill or aka 'The Hammer.'
A techniques that is good to be trained in if your opponent may be wearing body armor.
Also training in base of neck targeting.
Its even immortalized in song:

THE MOZAMBIQUE TWO-STEP
Believed to have been originated by Jim Sorrentino, et. al.
CHORUS:

Mozambique him, Mozambique him,
If he fails to hit the ground
After two well-placed rounds!
Shoot between the eyes and lips,
No, NOT between the hips,
That should put the goblin down!


VERSE:
With your sights on center chest
Twice you your trigger you have pressed.
If two don't stop the fight,
A head-shot should set it right!


CHORUS
VERSE:
It is best to use a slug
Big enough to stop a thug.
Calibers that start with four
Will better drop them to the floor!


CHORUS

VERSE:
Stop this talk of "failure drills",
For it denigrates our skills.
Failure is a word so bleak,
But I rejoice at "MOZAMBIQUE"!


CHORUS
ADDITIONAL VERSE:
In full evening dress you stroll
when accosted by a troll
who seizes your maiden fair.
Three quick shots to save the day,
reload, press-check, you're on your way,
and you've scarcely mussed a hair.

ADDITIONAL VERSE:
Mozambique the bloody creep!
For he's been breathing far too long
and you must shut him down.
There's only one way to construe
the way he points that gun at you.
The time to act is now.

or maybe, for the second part of the above:
'Tis unmitigated act
that you need now and that's a fact.
Thank Heaven you know how!

And a recently added contemporary verse (thanks to Alan Taylor):

"If on the dusty Arab street,
Foul Osama you should meet,
With his arms upraised, in full jihadi call!
Mozambique without delay,
T'is the order of the day,
And you'll do a welcome service for us all!

+++++ Stay Safe.

[Tainan]

* - " The above song material was originally published and copyrighted by John Schaefer, FrFrogspad , and is used here with permission." At least I hope so.

However I have heard the song in a completely different environment that his excellent website. Carry on.