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John Scalzi's Guide to the Most Epic FAILs in Star Wars Design
AMC TV ^ | 20 Aug 2009 | John Scalzi

Posted on 08/20/2009 1:07:42 PM PDT by AreaMan

John Scalzi's Guide to the Most Epic FAILs in Star Wars Design

Star Wars_Threepio_560x330_EP4-KEY-63_R_8x10.jpgjohn_scalzi_callout_r2.jpg

I'll come right out and say it: Star Wars has a badly-designed universe; so poorly-designed, in fact, that one can say that a significant goal of all those Star Wars novels is to rationalize and mitigate the bad design choices of the movies. Need examples? Here's ten.

R2-D2
Sure, he's cute, but the flaws in his design are obvious the first time he approaches anything but the shallowest of stairs. Also: He has jets, a periscope, a taser and oil canisters to make enforcer droids fall about in slapsticky fashion -- and no voice synthesizer. Imagine that design conversation: "Yes, we can afford slapstick oil and tasers, but we'll never get a 30-cent voice chip past accounting. That's just madness."

C-3PO
Can't fully extend his arms; has a bunch of exposed wiring in his abs; walks and runs as if he has the droid equivalent of arthritis. And you say, well, he was put together by an eight-year-old. Yes, but a trip to the nearest Radio Shack would fix that. Also, I'm still waiting to hear the rationale for making a protocol droid a shrieking coward, aside from George Lucas rummaging through a box of offensive stereotypes (which he'd later return to while building Jar-Jar Binks) and picking out the "mincing gay man" module.Lightsabers_125x125_EP6-KEY-257_R_8x10.jpg

Lightsabers
Yes, I know, I want one too. But I tell you what: I want one with a hand guard. Otherwise every lightsaber battle would consist of sabers clashing and then their owners sliding as quickly as possible down the shaft to lop off their opponent's fingers. You say: Lightsabers can slice through anything but another lightsaber, so what are you going to make a hand guard out of? I say: Dude, if you have the technology to make a lightsaber, you have the technology to make a light hand guard.

Blasters

A tactical nightmare: They're incredibly loud, especially for firing what are essentially light beams. The fire ordnance is so slow it can be dodged, and it comes out as a streak of light that reveals your position to your enemies. Let's not even go near the idea of light beams being slow enough to dodge; that's just something you have let go of, or risk insanity.

landspeeder_125.jpg

Landspeeders and other flying vehicles
Here's the thing: In the Star Wars universe, there are no seatbelts. And maybe if you're flying your hoity-toity vehicle on Coruscant, you have, like, a force field that keeps you flying out of your seat. But Luke's X-34 speeder on Tatooine? The Yugo of speeders, man. One hard stop, and out you go.

Stormtrooper Uniforms
They stand out like a sore thumb in every environment but snow, the helmets restrict view ("I can't see a thing in this helmet!" -- Luke Skywalker), and the armor is penetrable by single shots from blasters. Add it all up and you have to wonder why stormtroopers don't just walk around naked, save for blinders and flip-flops.

Death_Star_125x125.jpg

Death Star
An unshielded exhaust port leading directly to the central reactor? Really? And when you rebuild it, your solution to this problem is four paths into the central core so large that you can literally fly a spaceship through them? Brilliant. Note to the Emperor: Someone on your Death Star design staff is in the pay of Rebel forces. Oh, right, you can't get the memo because someone threw you down a huge exposed shaft in your Death Star throne room.

Bad design in Star Wars is not just limited to stuff; evolution here seems wacky, too. Three choice bits:

Sarlaac
A monstrous yet immobile creature who lives in an exposed pit in the middle of a lifeless desert, waiting for large animals to apparently feel suicidal and trek out to throw themselves in? Yeah, not so much. Not every Sarlaac can count on an intergalactic mob boss to feed it tidbits.

Star_Wars_Worm_125x125.jpg

That Asteroid Worm Thing in Empire Strikes Back
So, large space worm lives in asteroid, disguises itself as a cave and waits for unwary spaceships to fly by so it can eat them? Makes the Sarlaac look like a marvel of natural selection, it does.

Midi-Chlorians
Oh, man, don't get me started. Except to say this: If in fact a high concentration of midi-chlorians is the difference between being a common schmoe and being a dude who can Force Choke his enemies, the black market in midi-chlorian injections must be amazing.

Star Trek fans, don't get smug: I'm going after it next.

Rank These Designs »

Winner of the Hugo Award and the John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer, John Scalzi is the author of The Rough Guide to Sci-Fi Movies and the novels Old Man's War and Zoe's Tale. He's also Creative Consultant for the upcoming Stargate: Universe television series. His column appears every Thursday.



TOPICS: TV/Movies
KEYWORDS: chat; engineering; entertainment; hollywood; humor; robots; sciencefiction; scifi; starwars
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I just thought this was funny.

I was a real fan of Star Wars back in '77...yikes has it been that long?

1 posted on 08/20/2009 1:07:43 PM PDT by AreaMan
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To: AreaMan; moder_ator
Yikes...I messed that up.

Could you guys fix the formatting?

2 posted on 08/20/2009 1:09:27 PM PDT by AreaMan
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To: AreaMan; admin
Yikes...I messed that up.

Could you guys fix the formatting?

3 posted on 08/20/2009 1:09:39 PM PDT by AreaMan
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To: AreaMan

Your post has a flaw in its design. :)


4 posted on 08/20/2009 1:10:25 PM PDT by Borges
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To: AreaMan

LOL! Thanks.


5 posted on 08/20/2009 1:11:08 PM PDT by bvw
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To: AreaMan

Man, I hope to be the failure that Lucas is one day!


6 posted on 08/20/2009 1:12:30 PM PDT by BradyLS (DO NOT FEED THE BEARS!)
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To: AreaMan

32 years later and this cat is just catching on.


7 posted on 08/20/2009 1:12:50 PM PDT by JerseyJohn61 (Better Late Than Never.......sometimes over lapping is worth the effort....)
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To: Borges

I know....sorry for the eye pain.


8 posted on 08/20/2009 1:13:31 PM PDT by AreaMan
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To: JerseyJohn61
32 years later and this cat is just catching on.

He's a writer.
He has a column on AMC TV.
I suppose he either was feeling lazy that day or maybe received a suggestion from AMC to comment on Star Wars.

But, I understand your point.

9 posted on 08/20/2009 1:17:16 PM PDT by AreaMan
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To: AreaMan

I always thought this as well. Star Treks were much better designed.


10 posted on 08/20/2009 1:18:09 PM PDT by Steve Van Doorn (*in my best Eric cartman voice* 'I love you guys')
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To: BradyLS
Man, I hope to be the failure that Lucas is one day!

I know what you mean. Luca$ is laughing all the way to the bank.

11 posted on 08/20/2009 1:18:29 PM PDT by AreaMan
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To: Borges

You, “A flaw in its design, your post has”!


12 posted on 08/20/2009 1:18:55 PM PDT by Redleg Duke ("Don't fire unless fired upon, but it they mean to have a war, let it begin here." J Parker, 1775)
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To: AreaMan
I was a real fan of Star Wars back in '77...yikes has it been that long?

I was an 8 year-old kid in the summer of '77 and can still recall the joy and exhilaration upon leaving the theater after seeing Star Wars on the big screen. It wasn't until Pulp Fiction came out 17 years later that I again had that much fun going to the movies.

13 posted on 08/20/2009 1:19:11 PM PDT by Drew68
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To: Steve Van Doorn
I always thought this as well. Star Treks were much better designed.

From the article:

Star Trek fans, don't get smug: I'm going after it next.

14 posted on 08/20/2009 1:19:37 PM PDT by AreaMan
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To: AreaMan
I was a real fan of Star Wars back in '77...yikes has it been that long?

Unfortunately, yes. To put it in perspective, in 1977, you would have to go back to 1945 to get 32-year-old movies...

15 posted on 08/20/2009 1:19:48 PM PDT by IYAS9YAS (The townhalls were going great until the oPods showed up.)
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To: AreaMan

Funny stuff but “The Blaster” part is a bit weak.


16 posted on 08/20/2009 1:21:06 PM PDT by Durus (The People have abdicated our duties and anxiously hopes for just two things, "Bread and Circuses")
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To: Durus
Funny stuff but “The Blaster” part is a bit weak.

Yup. If I remember the geek shows on them, the blasters were really supposed to be blasts of plasma, or something, but not light. He was right, though, they were able to dodge them, and they certainly gave away one's position.

17 posted on 08/20/2009 1:24:00 PM PDT by IYAS9YAS (The townhalls were going great until the oPods showed up.)
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To: AreaMan

Funny stuff. Fantasy rarely holds up to rigorous analysis, but many Star Wars/Star Trek concepts hold promise for translating into real world inventions.


18 posted on 08/20/2009 1:24:43 PM PDT by catbertz
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To: AreaMan
I'll come right out and say it: Star Wars has a badly-designed universe; so poorly-designed, in fact, that one can say that a significant goal of all those Star Wars novels is to rationalize and mitigate the bad design choices of the movies. Need examples? Here's ten.

Hilarious!

19 posted on 08/20/2009 1:25:16 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (One man, alone, betrayed by the country he loves, now its last hope in their final hour of need...)
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To: Durus
Funny stuff but “The Blaster” part is a bit weak.

I always thought the blasters were more like plasma weapons instead of lasers. Meh...either way it was fun movie.

I remember from that era that Ursula K. Le Guin hated Star Wars...which in my mind meant that it was automatically awesome .

20 posted on 08/20/2009 1:25:18 PM PDT by AreaMan
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