The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[retrokitten]

So now you go from a lack of any sense of humor to personal attack accusing me of laughing at "pedophilia;" nice. How very Liberal-like of you.

But saying I have no sense of humor is not a personal attack? Calling us liberals and feminists is not a personal attack?? Okay. You don't want to discuss you want to argue. Good luck with that. Have an awesome weekend.

[mikeus_maximus]

Some of those made me gasp — were they acceptable in society then? To show a man spanking his wife? A baby holding a razor? A tiger rug with a woman’s head and a man’s foot on it?

Ah, yes, the good old days...

[Red in Blue PA]

[Red in Blue PA]

[Tijeras_Slim]

[Red in Blue PA]

[GulfBreeze]

Well wait. What's funny is the idea that some idiotic people would actually pay to print that stuff. The baby-soft ad is disgusting and repulsive and the blogger makes that clear.

It is funny in a grim way that the advertisers would think that it was a good idea in ANY day and age or that they would be able to move more product with it. In all likely hood I doubt they were TRYING to promote pedophilia (unless they had a thousand young girls chained in the basement whom they were trying to sell off as sex slaves). Their product was a sweet smelling girlie product and they were trying to compete with sexier and racier ads with more sophisticated perfumes and products from other companies. They wanted their clientelle to associate themselves with being feeling young. I would bet that the senior execs in the company were mortified when they saw the ad and realized the pedophilic imagery that it conjured.

I bet and hope someone got fired. So though disgusted by the presentation itself, I still find the idioticness of anyone putting it forward on purpose to be hilarious. (Repeat: pedophilia=”not funny”, idioticness=”funny”)

[retrokitten]

Looking at his eyes, I think that kid should lay off the nembutal for a while.

[Red in Blue PA]

Talk about creepy!

[SoothingDave]

Now we know what Wm. F Buckley was like as a child.

[mad_as_he$$]

BTTT

[Skooz]

BFL

[RichInOC]

Yes, but why would you need a methadone douche?

[Red in Blue PA]

[SoothingDave]

This thread is calling you.

[Nea Wood]

When I was a kid shopping for clothes with my mom at the department store, I remember there was actually a “Chubette” section.

[ottbmare]

They’re all pretty terrible except the one about the family that gets guns for Christmas. I’d love someone to buy me a gun for Christmas, and so would my daughter.

That said, the one Christmas we got my son a BB gun, he didn’t need more than fifteen minutes to take the gun down to the basement and blow out a $500 French door.

[retrokitten]

OMG is that real?

[Desdemona]

I realize this this supposed to be humor, but the Baby Soft ad isn't funny. Not if you know a certain amount of sick psychology.

The Pagliaci chocolate ad - now that's another story. Hehe. Tenors.

[Red in Blue PA]

Looks real to me. (even has the flight time at the top)