~~~~ThE oFfIcIaL fRiDaY sIlLiNeSs ThReAd~~~~

Following on the heels of the highly successful Tea (Taxed Enough Already) Parties, conservatives are again gearing up for a larger national set of Tea Party demonstrations set for July 4. CBS and CNN are of course preparing to ignore it.

After working so hard to extort more income from working Americans, Democrats will be on vacation that holiday weekend resting up for the next round of spending. The effort to spend trillions of dollars to ruin American health care will be front and center over the next two weeks which should give CNN and MSNBC plenty to cover up. The execs at CBS are praying for a natural disaster of some sort to provide an excuse for not covering either the incredible cost of the health care takeover or the Tea Party demonstrations.

Conservatives must build on the experience of last spring’s Tea Party events to be better ready to handle challenges this time around. Two weeks will pass quickly, so participants should get started now by assembling Tea Party preparedness kits. The purpose of the Tea Party kit is to have all necessary equipment ready to:

·    show the family a good time on July 4,
·    send a message about over taxation that the politicians can’t ignore,
·    enrage as many of your leftist friends as possible, and
·    enlarge your family’s carbon footprint.

Of course the real challenge is to convince the local news media to cover the event fairly. If they can even be coerced to attend, local media will be playing its ‘B’ team over the holiday weekend, so this may present some opportunities. Reporters who haven’t quite made it to the late evening newscast may see their opportunity to make the big time by demonstrating their leftist leanings out in the open or by actually covering the story.

No matter what the news media will try, conservatives need to be prepared. The following is a list of top ten items to include with your Tea Party Preparedness Kit.

10. Flags – The Stars and Stripes need to be flown wherever possible this Independence Day. Leftists never understand the attachment to a symbol of American freedom and courage. As Obama plans to transform this day into ‘Dependence Day,’ a few reminders about original intent seem appropriate. Should liberals ask why you need to make such a show of your patriotism, tell them you will answer if they can find all 57 stars for each state Obama visited during the campaign.

9. T-Shirts – A particularly useful one that makes fun of the red and blue Obama ‘Hope’ posters will attract media attention. Practice Obama’s far off and distant, visionary look for that moment when television cameras point your way. Look off into the distance and then laugh. Lefties hate being laughed at.

8. Cell phones - Bring a list of the media offices to contact from the steps of the state capitol or whatever venue is appropriate. Should you not see a particular news station present, call ‘em! As the press release for the local Tea Party will have long since been thrown away, these members of the leftist intelligentsia will need reminding.

7. Video recorders - It is highly important to record TV interviews with participants. Television and radio editors will do everything possible to make participants look foolish, so an honest recording of the event is necessary. Should the local “Live at 5” crowd try to present the interview as a slap at conservatives, we’ll post the real video as a rebuttal. Keeping reporters honest requires filming them in their work. Like the Chicago CNN reporter that tried to embarrass Tea Party participants earlier this year, a home video of the event just made her look foolish.

6. Good picnic – preferably the traditional fried chicken – Meatless and gutless leftists express displeasure when humans consume meat products, so fry up a couple cluckers using Grandma’s recipe and consume loudly. Also bring paper and plastic plates and picnic goods. Expanding your family’s carbon footprint is a decent slap at ignorant Al Gore followers.

5. Water – Bottled in plastic convenience containers that are easily thrown away when liquid is consumed, water should be brought to the venue as one can be sure that the local liberal establishment won’t provide water and bathrooms like they did for the KKK rally. The slogan “forever in a landfill” is appropriate here because that is what should become of the Stimulus bill (not to mention the health care takeover).

4. Parking money – The remarkable degree of civility that marked the previous Tea Party events was measured in the organized fashion in which participants paid their parking fees. Patiently queuing up in an organized line without any government official telling them to do so testifies to conservatives’ ability to govern themselves. Liberals seem to need a government hack overseeing their every move. They also need ACORN members telling them where to park.

3. Air horns – These are particularly useful for upsetting counter protesters, ACORN members and ‘Citizen Journalists’ from the Huffington Post. Expect disgruntled leftists (the ones without hangovers) to be in attendance this time. Should they start to drown out speakers, participants should take a moment and have everyone blast their air horns at ‘em all at once. Liberals are good only at disrupting others. Conservatives must be prepared to respond. Besides.. it feels really good to - for once - be louder than a lefty.

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to $h!t yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2”. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my God”, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. ; One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “Sonofa*****!”, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!”, then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

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