Posted on 07/17/2008 6:50:14 AM PDT by laotzu
The fact that the former Democratic presidential candidate and civil rights leader Rev. Jesse Jackson wanted to cut out some of Barack Obama's nuts for himself was hardly a surprise to anyone familiar with their miraculous properties. For a long time, people from all cultures of America and beyond have sought to incorporate Obama's nuts into their lives, both as objects of beauty and as tools for the body, mind and spirit.
Every Obama's nut is unique with various properties and characteristics and has the ability to induce hope, as well as store, receive, and transmit energy. Other legendary properties include the ability to attract compassion and understanding of the media, reveal the location of other people's money, ward off unwanted inquiries, and prevent drug overdose.
Despite the common fears, Jackson's plan to collect Obama's nuts wasn't meant to hurt the presidential hopeful - it is a known fact that for every cut out Obama's nut, two more will grow in its place. For every four cut out nuts, eight more will grow, and so on. As of last month, Obama's scrotum resembled a large cluster of table grapes that experts compare to a delicious mix between Fantasy Seedless and Bluebell.
One or two Obama's nuts are occasionally found in shower drains at hotels along his campaign trail. People who find them usually obtain good fortune, boundless wisdom, and total protection from the FBI. Obama's nuts are often worn as amulets, in jewelry, or simply carried loose about the person. They may be whole or ground into powder and used as medicine, especially for expelling infections, viruses, fetuses, and other internal parasites.
As a community member in good standing, Obama frequently donates his nuts to a federal stem cell facility, which he promises to expand into National Center for Mixed Nuts Extraction after he becomes president.
According to Rev. Jessie Jackson's apology and confession, the famed fighter for human rights wanted to redistribute Obama's nuts in the hope they would help him to connect with angels, spirit guides and higher self, as well as gain invisibility. After catching Rev. Jackson red-handed, Obama didn't get mad - but instead, with dignity, he reached into his pants and gave Jackson a handful of random nuts for free. Jessie Jackson hung his head in shame and became invisible. That's why we don't see him much on TV anymore.
- Hope Nut: ends wars, establishes peace on earth, helps blondes keep their hair color longer.
- Change Nut: helps with spiritual, psychological, and socioeconomic insights.
- Audacity Nut: balances aura and enhances the magical properties of other nuts.
- Utopia Nut: navigational aid in spiritual journeys, facilitates psychic visions. If used for the common good, gives the power of prophecy
- Hegemonut: promotes oneness by eliminating otherness.
- Articunut: gives eloquence and self confidence, helps to become clean and articulate.
- Amazonut: brings out the inner woman and helps to fight back male oppression.
- Shri Nutra: induces mental health and prevents madness
- Bija Manutra: feel-good emotions, easy flow of relationships, "seeing" music.
- Blue Goldnut: sets one dreaming, reminds that everyone deserves glitter and excitement in life.
- Aquamanut: a good luck nut to bring feelings of peace, love, joy, and sex with dolphins.
- Meteonut: success stimulator, power action nut. Join with others to realize your full potential (advance career through sex).
- Mandanut: enjoy geometric patterns representing the Universe, experience oneness with any individual entity of your choice.
- Communut: experience oneness with the community and all major progressive movements.
- Rollonut: helps to stay in touch with useful people. - Fossilnut: connect to the past on a personal level and in a cosmic sense.
- Limonut: protects limousine liberals from class envy.
- Cosmonut: helps to explore un-chartered territory and to develop a map of your own consciousness.
- Kryptonut: takes power away from certain opponents of progress.
- Hairy Lassie: promotes self-sacrifice and service to the community.
- Control Nut: stimulates communication with animals and political opponents.
- Denial Nut: blocks negative thoughts and emotions, grounds energy. Prevents bad dreams and thoughtcrime.
- Moon Nut: promotes hope and change, unblocks all emotions, but will lose its shine if separated from the owner.
- Achilles Nut: the only nut that can be an impediment as it promotes logic, rational thinking, and understanding of objective reality.
I think they should be made into ear rings for Michelle to wear.
she has her own!
LOL.
Environut: Stops the burning of all fossil fuels thus saving the world and destroying America.
Assumes facts not in evidence.
Goering they say has one ball.
Goebbels has two but rather small.
Himmler has something similar.
And Hitler has none at all.
This whole thread is nutty! lol
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.