This Mother’s Day weekend we celebrate the most wonderful (and—sadly, for some of us—sometimes the only) woman in our lives. The pie-baking, home-making, care-taking, ear-bending, arm-extending…supple-lipped, wiggle-walking, tight-bodied MILF! But don’t worry, were not talking incestuous mother-f-ing action here: we’re talking FEARnet MILFs! These moms may not always be known for their stunning looks and charming personalities, but they make up for it with their murderous minds, their evil agendas, and, of course, their razor-sharp kitchen knives. Here they are, folks, FEARnet’s Top 10 MILFS—the Moms I Like to FEAR!
#10 The Goonies – Mama Fratelli Mama Fratelli may not be a MILF in the traditional sense of the word. Her sweaty face, freakishly large chin, diesel arms and bizarre wardrobe (a beret and pearls?!) don’t exactly make her the most desirable woman in the world, but they do make her a gal after our own hearts. In her miserable lifetime, she spawned three sons: two, the evilest of spawns, and the third, a mutated, oversized freak with a kind heart. (A pregnancy from her unmemorable drug years? We dunno, so don’t ask.) She and her two wicked sons spend their days threatening the existence of the heroic Goonies. But if weren’t for their Ma, Francis and Jake might not care all that much about the Goonies. And for that reason, Mama Fratelli, without a doubt, makes our list. Because a woman who can threaten to slaughter the innocent and the creator of the flawless “Truffle Shuffle” is clearly evil incarnate…and our kind of MILF.
#9 Mommy Dearest – Joan Crawford What praise can we offer the Joan Crawford of Mommy Dearest that hasn’t already been given a million times? As one of the most fearful moms of all time, Crawford, as played by the unforgettable Faye Dunaway, flies into fits of rage over metal hangers and poor hygiene. She violently chops off her own daughter’s hair and mercilessly mutilates perfectly groomed rose bushes. And she has no qualms about resorting to extreme and quite unnecessary physical violence. She’s a clean freak, a germaphobe, and struggles with a sadistic case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. She’s unstable and a raging irrepressible lunatic. Oh, how we like to fear her…
#8 Serial Mom – Beverly Sutphin Beverly Sutphin is the epitome of justice. She’ll murderously run over a littering bystander with her car, bludgeon any law-abiding citizen wearing white after Labor Day, shish kebob the liver of a teenage boy who bails on a date with a nice young girl, or rig a light fixture, aerosol can and cigarette lighter to scorch a masturbating misfit. (And failing to rewind videos before returning them to the rental store may just send her into a fit of thump-you-over-the-head-with-a-leg-of-lamb rage!) In John Waters’
Serial Mom, Kathleen Turner, as Beverly, becomes quite the MILF as she massacres townspeople one by one and still finds time to come home and prepare a wholesome dinner for her family. Don’t judge her too harshly—like any good mom, she’s only out to protect what’s right. She just happens to be a relentless killer!
#7 Friday the 13th – Pamela Voorhees Pamela Voorhees is a true friend of moral integrity, who, back in 1957, joined the fight against teenage sex by killing anyone who had an even remotely naughty thought. Pam first became a MILF after her son Jason drowned at Camp Crystal Lake—turns out it was because two counselors were doing the horizontal mambo. She then vowed to massacre all less-than-virtuous camp counselors. Pamela isn’t entirely evil, of course—she encouraged Jason to partake in some good wholesome summertime activities, including favorites like archery, tent pitching, stake driving, axe throwing, and good old-fashioned impalement.
#6 Evil Dead II – Henrietta Knowby As we all know, that pesky, inexorably evil Necronomicon has f-ed up a lot of people’s lives. So when Henrietta, Professor Knowby’s wife/Annie’s mom, was possessed by the evil spirit of the book, she did what any self-respecting, FEARnet-list-making MILF would do—she came back from the dead, rose from her makeshift tomb, and morphed into a devilish Deadite, brutally killing that lovable hillbilly Jake, and attacking every human being in sight, as she set about making sure Ash was Dead by Dawn. (Sadly, she failed, and Ash returned in a lesser sequel, Army of Darkness.) Henrietta, this weekend, we salute you. Like any good mother, you were stubborn, skilled in the art of nagging, and didn’t let a little demonic possession stop you from proving a point.
#5 Kill Bill –The Bride/Black Mamba/Beatrix Kiddo She never quite made it past the third trimester, but Uma Thurman in Kill Bill is still a MILF to the max. As a pregnant bride, she told Bill (played by David Carradine) that she was having his baby—immediately before he shot her in the head. When she recovered, he sent his assassins after her to secure her a final gruesome death. But this against-all-odds mom vowed revenge on her would-be killers, systematically eliminating each of them in the most gruesome ways imaginable. Including that no-good baby daddy.
#4 Seed of Chucky – Tiffany Some would say that Glen’s mom, Jennifer Tilly/Tiffany, is a MILF…understandably so, but for quite different reasons than we would! Tiffany, wife of Chucky and mother of Glen/Glenda is one of the most fear-inducing moms of all time. She’s a leather-clad, homici-doll maniac whose bloodthirsty behavior catapults her and Chucky into an enraged custody battle to see who will gain the right to call Glen/Glenda their son/daughter. And though Glen/Glenda survived a lifetime of gender-neutral (though non-homicidal) embarrassment by his parent’s side, MILF Tiffany will make sure that he/she will go on an unstoppable killing spree--just like dear old mom and dad!
#3 The People Under the Stairs - Mom So many mothers out there long for the perfect family, but there are only a few who will do anything to get it--and we mean
anything. Whether it’s years of extreme incest, captivity, or serving cannibalistic dinner meals (by throwing the remains of dead bodies down to the kids who live under their stairs), the mother in Wes Craven’s cult classic
The People Under the Stairs partook in the truest form of strict parenting! She wanted purity in her family, and took teh necessary steps to guarantee it; like amputating ears and tongues and gouging out eyes, to see that her perfect angel children saw, spoke, and heard no evil. A little physical mutilation and eternal confinement are pretty small prices to pay for this MILF!
#2 Psycho – Mrs. Bates This evil mother may have been A.) long buried in the Greenlawn Cemetery, B.) fermenting in the fruit cellar of the Bates Motel and estate, or C.) breeding an evil manifestation of herself in her son Norman’s fragile little mind. But wherever she was, she was busy earning her status as one of the most iconic moms in film history! She’s the obvious choice of course, but since 1960, the
Psycho-tic Mrs. Bates has been maintaining her MILF status one behind-the-shower-curtain-kill at a time. A boy’s best friend is his mother. And this mother wants to be her boy’s
only friend.
#1 Carrie – Mrs. White Though Mrs. White was an overbearing, fundamentalist religious zealot, she was actually right! Since all good mothers know that the road to teenage girls’ perpetual sin begins with prom night, it’s no wonder that this nutcase lost her shit when her daughter Carrie told her she was going to that satanic dance. Upon attending prom, the innocent Carrie White set forth on a path of pure evil that not even her malevolent mother could have imagined, smashing students with telekinetically-slammed doors and lighting high school gymnasiums ablaze. Yep, even though Mrs. White was a MILF to the max, mommy always knows best.
HONORABLE MENTION: Mother’s Day - Mother For the sole reason of its very appropriate title, we had to throw an honorable mention to the Charles Kaufman-directed
Mother’s Day (recently released on DVD by Troma). In the film, mother raised a pair of backwoods yokels to be good old lovin’ sons, their ideals aligned with those of their lovin’ mama, who just happens to appreciate abducting and torturing young female campers.
[Here's an extra bit of trivia:
Mother’s Day, was shot at the same time and on the opposite side of the same New Jersey lake as the MILF classic
Friday the 13th. Proving that, uptown or downtown, good moms know the score!]
Fearnet
