Posted on 04/11/2008 6:37:46 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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The Official Friday Silliness Thread |
Top 1,000!!
“Top 1,000!”
Me too!!!
I suspect you may get more of these responses. ;-)
TGIF Bump!
There are three words that a man can use to stop any argument with his wife.
“You are right”...........
Present
Rush Limbaugh forever ruined the joy of tax refunds for me, by pointing out that that’s just my money I overpaid the government, that it’s kept and used all this time, and only grudgingly sends back because I can prove they shouldn’t have it.
It isn’t like I bargained my way into a great deal.
/c:
WooHoo!!
Oh man, now you ruined it for me too.
(hangs head and walks away)
Reflections of a Sunday School teacher:
*LOT’S WIFE* The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, ‘My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,’ he announced triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!’
*GOOD SAMARITAN* A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’ A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d throw up.’
*DID NOAH FISH?* A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?’ ‘No,’ replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms?’
*HIGHER POWER* A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ‘We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?’ One child blurted out, ‘Aces!’
*MOSES AND THE RED SEA* Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. ‘Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.’ ‘Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?’ his mother asked ‘Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!
*THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD* A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Ricky was excited about the task - but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.’
*UNANSWERED PRAYER* The preacher’s 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. ‘Well, Honey,’ he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. ‘I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.’ ‘How come He doesn’t answer it?’ she asked.
*BEING THANKFUL* A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, ‘So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?’ The little boy replied, ‘Thank God he’s in bed!’
*UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER* During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, ‘Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?’ Tommy answered, soberly, ‘I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!’
*TIME TO PRAY* A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. ‘Yes, sir,’ the boy replied. ‘And, do you always say them in the morning, too?’ the pastor asked. ‘No sir,’ the boy replied. ‘I ain’t
scared in the daytime.’
*ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS* When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, ‘And all girls.’ This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, ‘Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?’ Her response, ‘Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!’
*SAY A PRAYER* Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. ‘Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.’ said his mother. ‘I don’t need to,’ the boy replied. ‘Of course, you do,’ his mother insisted. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.’ ‘That’s at our house,’ Johnny explained. ‘But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!’
The ten men were quite settled into their routine when the restaurant threw them into chaos. It announced that it was cutting its prices: Now it would charge only $80 for dinner for the ten men. This reduction wouldn't affect the first four men — they would continue to eat for free. The fifth person decided to forgo his $1 contribution to the pool, and the sixth contributed $2. The seventh man deducted $2 from his usual payment and now paid $5. The eighth man paid $9, the ninth, $12, leaving the last man with a bill of $52. Outside of the restaurant, the men compared their savings, and angry outbursts began to erupt. The sixth man yelled, "I got only $1 out of the total reduction of $20, and he" — pointing to the last man — "got $7." The fifth man joined in the protest. "Yeah! I got only $1 too. It is unfair that he got seven times more than me." The seventh man cried, "Why should he get a $7 reduction when I got only $2?" The first four men followed the lead of the others: "We didn't get any of the $20 reduction. Where is our share?"
The nine men formed an outraged mob, surrounding the tenth man. The nine angry men carried the tenth man up to the top of a hill and lynched him. The next night, the nine remaining men met at the restaurant for dinner. But when the bill came, there was no one to pay it.
oopsie
sorry
Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the ‘B’ word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I’ve tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn’t even looked for another job. We haven’t slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
” South Indian bitches are in demand because they are flexible, vegetarian, have excellent personalities and are low maintenance that's why Europeans and Asians desire them. While Indians long to keep European breeds of dogs, many Westerners, especially the French, Germans and Greeks, as well as people in Singapore and Malaysia, prefer to get a South Indian pedigree dog, native to this town, according to two owners of a kennel here. Ashok Kumar and Surendra Babu, owners of a kennel and who specialise in South Indian breeds, say they are unable to meet the demand for Rajapalayam dogs, also known as Paleiyakarans or Poligars. "Every month we get orders for 50 pairs, each costing Rs 4,500, from Indians and Westerners. But we are unable to meet the demand. We can supply only 20 pairs" they told a reporter.
Rajapayalams were originally bred to kill boars. The surge in interest in this rare type of dog is affecting other lines as well. The Kennels also have the chippiparai breed, a hound used to kill pigs which destroy fields. Apart from the Rajapalayam dogs, people of Shencottah near here are now reviving the genuine 'Shencottah' dogs, a rare breed, with the help of doctors, says Raviram, a kennel owner.
Europeans can have their boar hounds, I'm all about my German Shepherd.”
It took me a second to follow where the author of this blog was going...
On a transatlantic flight,
A plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is
awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too
young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m
going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the
plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown
hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time........ No one
moves................. He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest.......... She
gasps............... He whispers................
“Iron this...then get me a beer.”
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
All from the one, the only:
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