After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright Are female moths called myths? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Are there a lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands? Are there any unguided missiles? Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"? Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener? Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims? Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do fish get thirsty? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Does an analyst have to be anal? Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How can someone "draw a blank"? How come wrong numbers are never busy? How did a fool and his money get together? How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done? How do I set my laser printer on stun? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass? How do you get off a nonstop flight? How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others? How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? How do you throw away a garbage can? How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word? How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order? How is it possible to have a "civil" war? How is it possible to run out of space? How long is the long arm of the law? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow? If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? --Dennis Miller If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it? What do you call a male ladybug? What do you call male ballerinas? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? |
What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass? What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil? What if someone died in the living room? What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about? What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What was the best thing before sliced bread? What's the synonym for thesaurus? When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses? Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary? Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!" Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat? Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green? Why are America's parks administered by the Department of the Interior? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? Why are some gay people so unhappy? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting? Why are violets blue and not violet? Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone? Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why did the pot call the kettle black? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight? Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways? Why do people tell you when they are speechless? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up? Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo? Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong? Why do we put shirts in a suitcase, and put suits in a garment bag? Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of clothing involved? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there? Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? Why is clear considered a color? Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles? Why is it that to stop Windows Applications, you have to click on "Start"? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? |
Don’t set me ablaze, Bro!
How do you throw away a garbage pail?
What do Yankees call Arkencide?
Why do males of all mammal species have nipples too?
*I'm sorry, you must have misdialed again.
"That's impossible, I hit re-dial"
Here's your sign.
Happy Friday All!!
What is your position on that Sen. Kerry?
Can I buy you a drink Sen. Kennedy?
It’s not the stupid questions that are the problem. It’s the stupid people that ask them. ;-)
“What did I do? Why are you arresting me?”
No one knows when the first joke beginning with the six words “A guy walks into a bar . . .” was told, or how it went. Nevertheless, an entire genre of jokes has been created revolving around that opening scenario. Here’s a sampling of some of the variants that have sprung up, many now involving animals or inanimate objects:
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Got any ID?” asks the bartender. The Texan replies, “About what?”
A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “You can come in here, but you better not start anything!”
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.” The bartender asks him. “Don’t you mean martini?” The man tells the bartender, “Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long face?”
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer, please.” The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”
A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet is?” The pig says, “No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not,” and he disappears.
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?”
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies, “He doesn’t. That’s not my dog.”
A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?” “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.
A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, “Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.” And the bartender says, “Oh? What do you do?” The guy says, “I take care of the corgis—you know, the dogs the royal family owns.” The bartender asks, “Tough job, huh? The guy says, “Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren’t too smart, either.”
A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”
A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, “You seem to be in a great hurry.” The guy says, “You would be too if you had what I have.” The bartender asks, “What have you got? “Fifty cents,” is the reply.
A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says right there in the Bible—the three wise men came from afar.”
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man calls the bartender over. “Say, I must be losing my mind,” he tells him. “I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. “The peanuts?” “That’s right, the peanuts—they’re complementary.”
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, “A beer for me and one for my giraffe.” And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The man says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, can’t you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!” The man replies, “No, I can’t read the sign—I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: “I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!” The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, “The sign says no dogs allowed! You’ll have to leave!” The friend says, “Sorry, I can’t see the sign because I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender replies, “Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?” The man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy, what are you doing?” And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me. I’m just looking around.”
A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, “What’s the matter?” The man says, “My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.”
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, “What are you doing? What’s in your pocket?” And the guy says, “It’s a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it’s time to go home.”
The teacher asked a question and the students were all up in arms.
Rodney sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or
the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked Rodney incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear
the terrible news.”
“It’s of you screwing your mistress.”
“I’ll just give this a lick and a promise”, my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture.
“What is that supposed to mean”, I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue. “It means that I’m in a hurry and I’m busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.
“A lick and a promise” was just one of the many old phrases that I remember my mother, grandmother, and others using that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear.This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list that I came up with that I remember my parents and grandparents using that we don’t hear much anymore. Perhaps you have some memorable old phrases of your own that you could add to the list:
A Bone to Pick (Someone who wants to discuss a disagreement.)
An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge.)
A bad apple spoils the whole barrel (One corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don’t remove the bad one.)
At sea (Lost or not understanding something.)
Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person.)
Barking at a knot (Your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won’t let loose.)
Been through the mill (Had a rough time of it.)
Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult.)
Blinky (Between sweet and sour.as in milk.)
Calaboose (A jail.)
Kittywampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle.)
Dicker (To barter or trade.)
Feather In Your Cap (To accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy.)
Hold your horses (Be patient!)
I reckon (I suppose.)
Jawing (Talking or arguing.)
Kit and caboodle (The whole thing.)
Madder than an old wet hen (Really angry.)
Needs taken down a notch or two (Like notches in a belt. Usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson.)
No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore.)
Persnickety (Overly particular or snobbish.)
Pert-near (Short for pretty near.)
Pretty is as pretty does (Your actions are more important than your looks.)
Scalawag (A rascal or unprincipled person.)
Scarce as hen’s teeth (Something difficult to obtain.)
Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly.)
Sparking (A courting.)
Straight From the Horse’s Mouth (Privileged information from the one concerned.)
Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value.)
Sunday go to meetin’ dress (The best dress you had.)
We wash up real fine (Is another goodie....)
Tie the Knot (To get married.)
Too many irons in the fire (To be involved in too many things.)
Tuckered out (Tired and all worn out.)
Under the weather (Not feeling well.this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather.)
Wearing your “best bib and tucker” (Being all dressed up.)
You ain’t the only duck in the pond (It’s not all about you.)
Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I’ll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don’t be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I’ve been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I’m no spring chicken. I haven’t been just stringin’ around and I know I’m not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this more than just a lick and a promise.
