****THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD****

The 1980s were the golden age of the one-liner, with the films of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Clint Eastwood, and the ascension of such screenwriters as Steven E. de Souza and Shane Black, who penned many of the decade's high-concept action and buddy movies (Die Hard, Commando, and Lethal Weapon chief among them). Yet, like many action film conventions, the one-liner has roots in other genres. In the landmark Western The Searchers (1956), John Wayne growled, "That'll be the day," prompting Buddy Holly to immortalize the catchphrase in a hit single the following year. And not only did the James Bond franchise give us "Bond—James Bond," but lines such as "Shocking! Positively shocking!"; "He had to fly"; and "He got the boot" prove that Bond also gave action films their penchant for punning. Throughout the series, Bond's cheeky dialogue defuses the emotion of a given scene, just as the one-liner does throughout the action genre.

Such glibness lays bare the action hero's core reticence. "I ain't got time to bleed," insists Predator's Jesse Ventura, who would repurpose the line for the title of his book, "I Ain't Got Time To Bleed: Reworking the Body Politic From the Bottom Up". Less quoted but even more germane is the declaration by Road House's Patrick Swayze, "Pain don't hurt." A contradiction, yes, but one that defines both the action hero and, more literally, one of the genre's most iconic roles: the title character of The Terminator.

That 1984 movie inaugurated Arnold Schwarzenegger's signature, "I'll be back." In this case, the one-liner is funny only in hindsight, as the cyborg comes right back, fully armed and with a pickup-truck-of-mass-destruction to boot. Reversing the typical action-sequence structure, the quip is the set-up, the violence is the punch line. There is nothing especially remarkable about "I'll be back" (it is not, after all, Cobra's "You're the disease, and I'm the cure," a line noted by the press six months before the film's 1986 opening). Even so, "I'll be back" distills the action movie's ritualistic appeal. The pleasure of hearing it said from movie to movie is the same as hearing a story told time after time.

Many one-liners are bad, if treasured, puns (Arnold put his stamp on "You're fired" long before Donald did). Others display a wit that we might grudgingly concede ("Barbeque, huh? How do you like your ribs?"). The one-liner is also remarkably versatile. It spans the grandiose ("I'm going to show you God does exist"; "I'm your worst nightmare") to the minimalist ("Get off my plane"; "Whoah"). It ranges from the functional ("Dead or alive, you're coming with me") to the iconic ("Go ahead … make my day"). And while some are uninspired ("It's time to die"), others are absurd ("I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass—and I'm all out of bubble gum"), self-referential ("No sequel for you"), and sardonic ("Go ahead … I don't shop here").

Most one-liners articulate the hero's self-regard (or in Harry Callahan's case, regard for his .44 Magnum), and why shouldn't they? The action genre is primarily an exercise in hero-worship.

Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the
meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “’ England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.’ - What gobbledegook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘
England ‘ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it
........... full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s
nest please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They
won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your
life”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on
corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.”

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