Posted on 06/08/2007 5:34:47 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
SILLY CELEBRITIES
AND THEIR DRAMA
Since most of them are liberal nutjobs and seem to be the main focus of the Main Stream Media, why should we care about real news? They are more entertaining anyway, right?
What with Paris being let out of jail...
In another example of the mockery called our justice system, a therapist who visited Paris reportedly recommended she be released for “medical reasons”.
The Los Angeles County Sheriffs Dept. could not release any specifics due to confidentiality laws. However, reports indicate she had been crying and was depressed while in prison. (boo freakin hoo)
After serving a whole five days, Paris will be under house arrest for 40 days. (Now that's what I call punishment....NOT!)
And Lindsay Lohan and her partying....
A few days after her DUI arrest, she was photographed in this comatose state after a night of partying. Reports indicate she is back in rehab (since it worked so well the first few times). You think she’s pushing the envelope now…just wait until she turns 21 (in about a month)…then she’s really gonna let loose.
There there's Hasselhoff's drinking binge...
In the video (click pic), you can see an apparently inebriated Hasselhoff, clad only in blue jeans, lying on the floor of a room and clumsily eating a hamburger while one of his daughters reprimands him about his drinking.
And who can forget Brittney's melt down?
The Toxic star, who spent a month in rehab earlier this year,
was carried out of an L.A. bar sobbing and covered in vomit.
And then we have Brangelina shopping for baby #5.
Some people collect stamps, coins, stray cats….Brad and Angelina collect babies.
And Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuocco are dating again? WTF?
15 years after their affair ended with Amy shooting Joey’s then-wife, Mary-Jo, in the face. The new “relationship” will be turned into a reality show. (oh yay!)
“Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?”
~ Paris Hilton
For the twentieth anniversary prior to divorce:
1) handcuffs
2) laxative
3) video camera
re; 41
Ewww, that last one of Okra Windbag did my stomach another turn!
Eww!
Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline has backed out of an acting job at an upcoming movie with academy award winner Forrest Whitaker sighting a scheduling conflict. Apparently, the boss at taco bell would not let him out of his shift.
Our long national nightmare is over. Paris Hilton is out of prison. Paris, I waited for you.
She wasn’t in there long enough to sober up!
She was released for medical reasons. She gave notes from several doctors: Dr. Jackson, Dr. Grant, Dr. Franklin . . .
It’s not a free ride from here on out. She’s now under house arrest. That’ll teach her. Her world has now been reduced to a 4-acre estate in Bel Aire.
Al Gore made an appearance in Chicago today, and at one point the crowd started cheering, “Run, Al run.” They weren’t talking about the presidency, they just thought he was fat.
Yesterday at the G-8 summit, President Bush had a meeting with rock star Bono. There was an awkward moment when Bush praised Bono and his band, UTube.
There’s a rumor that Sen. Hillary Clinton had some plastic surgery. Friends of Hillary denied the rumors saying, “Believe it or not, that’s her natural forced smile.”
Yesterday Bob Barker taped his final episode of “The Price Is Right.” Experts say it’s a sad day for television, but a great day for pets who want to keep their testicles.
Paris has to wear a little electronic ankle bracelet. Now you know the teenage girls who look to her for fashion are going to be limping around the mall.
Paris still has a lot of fans. Paris-ites, I think they are called. Or maybe Parisians. Or my little name for them: morons.
The reason why the Paris Hilton story is so huge is because nothing else is really going on in the world . . . Well, there is the world leaders gathering at G-8 Summit to discuss the fate of the earth . . . And oh yeah, we’re at war! Other than that, it is a light news day.
You probably have heard, Paris Hilton escaped from jail. I guess she was skinny enough to slip through the bars.
She snuck out in a mailing tube.
She was in jail for just over 74 hours. I’ve been in Monopoly jail longer.
At the Miss Universe pageant, Miss USA was booed by the crowd in Mexico City. Booed. Which is ironic because they were chanting “Yankee go home . . . And take us with you!”
The government now says it now takes about 12 weeks for an American to get a passport now. A three-month waiting list if you want to get out of the country. But of course to get into the country, there’s no wait at all, you just walk across…
Paris Hilton in the cooler. And you know the problem with Paris being in prison, she’s surrounded by sex offenders; she’s surrounded by drug dealers; felons . . . you know, just like when she was on the outside.
Paris Hilton has been in jail for three days. They’re already making a movie about Paris Hilton being in jail. I believe they’re calling it “The Bird Brain of Alcatraz.”
Top Ten Signs Paris Hilton Isn’t Doing Well In Prison
10. Suffering from insomnia because she’s not used to sleeping in the same bed every night
9. Too depressed to participate in prison riots
8. Desperate for intimacy, she made a boyfriend out of a stuffed laundry bag
7. She’s ballooned to 93 pounds
6. Only time she said, “That’s hot!” was during delousing
5. Knitted a tea cozy from rat fur (sorry — that joke was left over from an old Martha Stewart list)
4. Only call she received was from Eddie Brill asking for her out
3. Was overheard muttering something about voting for Kucinich
2. Started a pen pal romance with Phil Spector
1. At last night’s conjugal she seemed distant
President Bush is out of the country traveling to Europe for the G-8 summit. At one point, protesters got so out of hand, police used a water cannon on them. President Bush did his part by pulling out his Super Soaker.
The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. Ritchie has responded by saying, “I’m not pregnant. I just ate a grape.”
Paris Hilton is in prison right now. Officials had to turn away a delivery man who was trying to deliver a fruit basket. After hearing about it, Paris said, “Can I just have the banana?”
A lot people make fun of Los Angeles. They say we have no soul; we’re always in the tanning booth. Meanwhile, I don’t see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail.
She’s been incarcerated for 74 hours now . . . it’s really ironic that I’ve had no interest in Paris for all these years and now that I am interested, I can’t see what’s going on.
They say she has three blankets, but no pillow. I actually feel a little bit bad for her, especially since I’ve stolen so many pillows from Hilton Hotels.
Tyson Foods visits the Pope
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”
The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”
Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer
from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’” and he leaves.
The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. “The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”
“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account.”
cute!
Hey, did you hear about someone trying to jump into the “Pope-mobile?”
Cracks me up why a clown should have his little own Dope-Mobile. Why not a ClownMobile? Or Guy-in-Dress-Mobile?
If you were looking for someone to share a dislike for the Pope, I'm not the person you're looking for. That is, if I interpret your message correctly. If I'm in error, my apologies.
no, my apologies.
I misinterpreted you.
>>no, my apologies.
>>I misinterpreted you.
Thanks! And now for something completely different! :)
Elephant-hunting as a discriminator of techie types
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. -- Hippolyte Taine
I interfaced my cat to my radio. I just got hiss.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. -- Winston Churchill
If you underestimate protocol, you've never had a cat.
If you want the best seat in the house, move the cat.
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. -- English proverb
DUSTY UNDERWEAR
One morning, Jeff took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
‘What the ? ? ?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘Joyce,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’
She shot back: ‘It’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.
Dog harness
Sarong
Butterscotch syrup
Wax paper
Three women are in a locker room dressing to play raquetball when a man runs throught wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
The first woman looks at his dick and says, “Well, it’s not my husband.”
The second woman says, “No, it isn’t.”
The third woman says, “He’s not even a member of this club.”
My Favorite Mike Tyson Quote
“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”
On Lennox Lewis
“Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!”
“My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.”
“I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.”
On Evander Holyfield
“You got nothing coming, man. I’m going to enjoy this fight.”
After biting Holyfield he said, “This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me.”
“I felt Holyfield was using his head illegally. I told the referee I wasn’t getting any help, so I went back to the streets. I cannot defend it, but it happened.”
On Razor Ruddock
“You’re sweet. I’m going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I’m gonna make you my girlfriend.”
On Tyrell Biggs
Tyson on Tyrell Biggs’ complaining to him about low blows “Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you’re fittin’ to die!”
“He was screaming like my wife.”
“I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time.”
On His Wife
“I paid a worker at New York’s zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback’s snotbox! He declined.”
“Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It’s all lies. I have never laid a finger on her.”
On His Childhood
“One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard.”
On Fans
To a question on whether he feels support from the common fan: “I don’t feel love from them because there’s no love. They don’t know me as an individual; they know me for what I actually do. Because they pay to see me smash anybody. If they’re white they pay, [it’s] because the only thing they have respect for is my ability as an athlete. But if I was in court and I had to use them to testify against me on my character, they wouldn’t testify positively against me and they would think I’m a cad...”
“There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That’s okay. Just spell my name right.”
“I think the average person thinks I’m a f**king nut and I deserve whatever happens to me. That’s what I believe.”
“When you see me smash somebody’s skull, you enjoy it.”
On His Time in Prison
“You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy.”
“I would have been in shape. I would have been active. Holyfield, those guys wouldn’t have been champion when I was around, but I went away for four or five years inactive and that made them competitive for a time.”
“But you really have to look at the science of the situation. You guys come here to talk and report but you don’t actually look at the facts of what this business is all about. The best thing that happened to those guys and they should stand on their mother’s shoulders and kiss my ass because I went to prison or they would not be existing right now. They’d be a flash in the pan and would have made some money and opened up a restaurant or bar somewhere where they live at.”
On Boxing
“I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain.”
“Everyone in boxing probably makes out well except for the fighter. He’s the only one that’s on Skid Row most of the time; he’s the only one that everybody just leaves when he loses his mind. He sometimes goes insane, he sometimes goes on the bottle, because it’s a highly intensive pressure sport that allows people to just lose it [their self-control].”
“How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They’re just as good as dead.”
“My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It’s ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm.”
Tyson: “It’s interesting that you put me in the league with those illustrious fighters [Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Jack Johnson], but I’ve proved since my career I’ve surpassed them as far my popularity. I’m the biggest fighter in the history of the sport. If you don’t believe it, check the cash register.”
“Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around; you’re going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He’ll keep coming because he’s tough. Don’t get discouraged. That’s when the discipline comes in.”
“I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I’m going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain.”
On His Family
“No one gives a f**k about me. No one cares if my children starve, if they’re on welfare. I have to support my children. I need more money.”
Mike, on his mother who died in 1982: “I never saw my mother happy with me and proud of me for doing something: She only knew me as being a wild kid running the streets, coming home with new clothes that she knew I didn’t pay for. I never got a chance to talk to her or know about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it’s crushing emotionally and personally.”
On the Media
“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”
[To a female reporter] “It’s no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don’t do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn’t talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know.”
“People [are] going to say what they say. It has to be for a reason. It’s just for a reason. I know sometimes I say things; I offend people. I ask this lady a lewd question because I’m in a lot of pain too. I have some pain I’m gonna have for the rest of my life. And Lewis, I’m trying to give some of that pain to ya’ll.”
“You gentlemen have no idea what it’s like to be myself, no idea what it’s like. I’m not interested in being humiliated anymore.”
“Sometimes you guys have no pride, so no matter what I say, you guys ... it doesn’t affect you because you don’t care about nothing but money. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass and stomp on you and put some kind of pain and inflict some of the pain on you because you deserve to feel the pain that I feel.”
“If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don’t know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I’ve been on that camera since I was 13 years old.”
On Religion
“All praise is to Allah, I’ll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I’d fight him too.”
“I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I’m not meant for this society because everyone here is a f**king hypocrite. Everybody says they believe in God but they don’t do God’s work. Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I’m a Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me ... I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss ... why you acting like that? Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and said in the name of Jesus even ... They’d throw me in jail and write bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is a wonderful man and he’s coming back to save us. But they don’t understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again.”
Stacey McKinley: “He sees a guy beggin’ in the street and he gives him a hundred dollars. I’ll say, ‘Man, y’know the guy’s just gonna spend it on crack!’ But he says, ‘I leave it to Allah to judge him.’”
“I’m a man. I lived it and I’m not afraid to die but when I die I’m going to paradise and I’m not worried.”
On Himself
“The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone’s not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don’t have the heart that I have. I’ve lived places they can’t defecate in.”
“I’m not Mother Teresa. But I’m also not Charles Manson!”
“Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It’s like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can’t control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn.”
“I’m just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it’s un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my dick sucked ... It’s just what I said before, everybody in this country is a big f**king liar. [The media] tells people ... that this person did this and this person did that and then we find out that were just human and we find out that Michael Jordan cheats on his wife just like everybody else and that we all cheat on our f**king wife in one way or another either emotionally, physically or sexually or one way.”
“There’s no one perfect. We’re always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious — but we’re not criminally, at least I’m not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people — it’s just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get [oral sex] without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?”
“At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that’s who you come to see.”
“I’m the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I’m like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m from the ghetto. I don’t know how to act. One day I’m in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, ‘You’re the heavyweight champion of the world.’ ... Who am I? What am I? I don’t even know who I am. I’m just a dumb child. I’m being abused. I’m being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I do. I’m just a dumb pugnacious fool. I’m just a fool who thinks I’m someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?”
On His Mental Health
“I don’t know if I’m mentally sick, but I have... episodes sometimes. I’m a depressant kind of dude. I have episodes, and I’m human. But no one cares about my health as a human because sometimes I’m in my episodes when I’m at work.”
“Well, [contemplating suicide] goes through everyone’s mind, I’m sure. And if it doesn’t I really must be crazy. Everyone thinks about that because sometimes, you know what I mean, it’s just tough being a ni**er and it’s tough being a bad ni**er.”
I don’t react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad things as a kid and some people think I don’t care about anything. It’s just too hard for me to get emotional. I can’t cry no more.”
“I’m on the Zoloft [an antidepressant] to keep from killing y’all.”
On America
“I’m just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can’t make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn’t built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime.”
Miscellaneous Quotes
“I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage.”
“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”
“I like the British bikes. I like British people. They’re real mellow.”
“I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.”
“I have some pain I’m gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass.”
“I just want to conquer people and their souls.”
Yonsama Fried Chicken anyone?!
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