Bob the Moose has his day in courtBy MARK BONOKOSKI
Toronto Sun
Sunday, February 25, 2007
The longest-running custody battle in the history of moosedom resumes tomorrow in a Newmarket courtroom, with hordes of media — a herd of hacks, perhaps? — hoping Bob the Moose will finally be physically hauled before Justice of the Peace Ann Forfar in a last-minute “habeas capitis” motion.
In other words, “show me the head,” or set him free.
Will JP Forfar then say this has gone too far?
Or will Forfar say so far so good?
Until the gavel drops, supporters of the Free Bob Campaign — a tag team event co-sponsored by the Toronto Sun and Moosehead Breweries — can venture into cyberspace today where a new, interactive Free Bob website went “live” overnight at myspace.com/freebobthemoose.
The site — the brainchild of Moosehead vice-president of marketing, Joel Levesque, and Jeff Lake, a managing partner of Toronto’s Punch Communications — documents, through the blatant scalping of my copious columns on this subject, the running amok of the Ontario ministry of natural resources, as well as its squandering of taxpayers’ money in its pursuit by conservation officers to seize and secure a family-heirloom moosehead named Bob so that it can ostensibly be hung in some backwoods MNR kiosk instead of returned to its rightful owner, Aurora businessman Ken Procyk, a steel company rep.
Yes, that was a long sentence, wasn’t it?
But so, too, is this story.
For those who have been wandering aimlessly in the hinterland and therefore missed the epic buildup, Bob was seized by conservation officers in December 2005 when Ken Procyk was charged with essentially attempting to sell wildlife parts on eBay — even though Bob, named after family friend, the late Bob Jackson — is nothing more than a stuffed moose head which was once attached to a moose shot in Alberta back when Ralph Klein was still the mayor of Calgary, and years away from being premier.
Yes, another long sentence, but it only goes to punctuate just how long ago Bob first began his career as a wall hanging.
Bob the Moose, however, is also a long way from being anything akin to a black bear gall bladder being poached in Ontario and illegally heading for the big dollars of the black market in Asia. But it is that association, nonetheless, that has him up to his antlers and bogged down in court.
The case, which has already had numerous remands and one half-day courtroom session, is scheduled to re-begin tomorrow at 1 p.m., in the provincial courtroom located on the second floor of the Old Tannery complex on Newmarket’s Davis Dr.
All persons wearing one of the 5,000 Free Bob T-shirts given out during this campaign — and they are collectors’ items, for sure — are advised to meet in the bar downstairs, have a Moosehead, and then pile into court to witness the cut-and-trust of courtroom drama at its purest.
Should tomorrow’s session not bring an end to thiswoodlandish comic tragedy, then everyone will have to return to court again on March 2.
God spare us all.
This writer is not running out of lame moose jokes, he’s also running out of long sentences, as well.
Let us turn, therefore, to the assessment of the situation by Jeff Lake, the co-architect of the new myspace web site that launched last night.
“The dictionary defines ‘farce’ as a type of comedy based on a farfetched humorous situation, often with ridiculous or stereotyped characters,” says Lake.
“Bob’s case is a true Canadian farce, because every time we tell the story to someone new, nobody believes it’s real.
“No one expected that, when the Toronto Sun published a bizarre story last March about Canadian authorities confiscating a stuffed moose head nicknamed Bob that the ongoing saga would generate more than 22 million media impressions in Canada over the next nine months.
“Free Bob has really taken off on the Internet,” says Lake. “We have found more than 20 blogs dedicated to Bob the Moose, and numerous North American websites that have featured the story.
“Now that Bob has his own site on myspace.com, he is truly the first Canadian moose in space!
“Bob deserves to be free,” Lake adds. “Hopefully when that day happens, we can all raise a Moosehead or two to toast this courageous freedom fighter.”
Who, I ask, would not drink to that?
What this story needs is the curtain to fall. There are murder trials with shorter time lines.
In the meantime, a moose walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him: “Hey, buddy, why the long face?”
“Well,” says the moose. “My friend, Bob, is back in court tomorrow, still up to his ears on the horns of a dilemma.”
“Gosh,” says the bartender. “I remember the days when a Moosehead was a beer, not a felony.”
“Me, too,” says the moose. “It’s nice, though, to see a crowd gathering wearing all those Free Bob T-shirts. By the by, that guy over there with the big moustache. Isn’t that Mark Bonokoski, the Sun columnist?”
“I think so,” says the bartender. “What I didn’t realize, though, is that the guy has a nose so big that he could pass for a moose himself.”
“You’re right,” says the moose. “Maybe that’s why he also does commentary for all those Moose-FM stations north of Barrie.
“One thing for sure, he certainly has a face for radio.”
