Posted on 02/23/2007 6:12:56 AM PST by Lucky9teen
You know it has to Mom behind the camera, because Dad would have already killed them for painting on the TV. :-D
ArGee and Tree '08!
No tests.
I'm outta school.
I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!
Shalom.
Not only is it alliterative (Bobo/Bonzo in '08), not only are they WAY more entertaining than the idjits currently in the running, but Bonzo can debate:
I knew Ronald Reagan. I worked with Ronald Reagan, and YOU'RE NO RONALD REAGAN.
Shalom.
Shalom.
We have all had dates . . . but this takes the cake.
This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was seen on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter . . . snowing and quite cold . . . and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte in the lodge.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show . . . she took the prize hands down . . . or perhaps that should be "pants down."
And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This gives a whole new meaning to being "pi**ed off".
YOMANK
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's
in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a
Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want
the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the
differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The
Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up
the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and
upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what
does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
But it turns out the slobber was on the other side so at least THAT's taken care of.
Shalom.
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.
No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still
$5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " Kansas ."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Kansas ."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's Such A Bitch......
Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and
clever, not scripted & (often) dull, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive,is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No,you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, & I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.Charley,you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?!
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark
Q. According to Ann Landers,is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days,when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
HOW ABOUT JUST SENDING THE WATER THERE DIRECTLY???
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